I Want "me" Back Again.

[Red Feather]

Jen, you don't only think about yourself. You have proven this to me. You are an incredibly caring person. And I personally don't think there is anything wrong about thinking about oneself, and considering one's own needs. It is a process to even come to the point of starting to care for one's needs. This is how things are after abuse... one forgets that part.

There is a lot of suffering happening in this world. You know my part in it as well. I also have to make an effort, not to thank my abusers... but to find the good side of what has happened to me. Like you wrote, there is something good about it, or it wouldn't have happened. We are in process, a beautiful, cosmic process of self exploration and finding our own reason to love and live.

Thank you also for showing this to me.

 

[Jen93]

Well, it was a side effect of the medication. Ridiculous. Withdrawal symptoms in experiencing are headache/dizziness, irritability, and a stupid need to sleep even though I slept the entire night fine.... This has been going on the last three days. Honestly, I think I'd prefer the ideation. The psych says I'm resistant to meds, the T says I'm resistant to therapy-I told them that from day 1-it's like "Thanks for wasting five years of my life, you could have just tied me to a tree and beat me on the head with a mallet for five years straight and it would have been less painful." Their advice is try to be positive-pathetic advice. Guess I'm stuck.

 

[The Albatross]

Not stuck Jen... we can learn to cope. Honest.

 

[maddog]

Jen, in spite of it all, I'm relieved, and i'm sure you must be as well!! The extent to which ideation can be brought on by some of these meds is greatly downplayed, in my personal opinion. Glad you're through that phase.

It sounds as though your relationship with both your psych and doc is strained at best. Regardless of the cause, I think it's hard to make progress or to honestly confront issues when the relationships feel untrusting and invalidating. Is there a possibility of seeking a different support team? I understand this comes with the need to retell the story and establish new relationships from scratch, but a trusting secure relationship is essential in therapy, and it may well be worth your while to think seriously about this and investigate any possibilities.

Wishing you all the best.

Maddog

 

[shell]

Sometimes it's necessary to change therapist, when the relationship isn't working.

My first therapist told me I was compounding my stress by refusing to accept that I will always be stressed about my past, and that I needed to forgive my abuser, without knowing all the details of my abuse. He felt that I was a little stressed, but there was essentially nothing wrong with me.

I now know, I was actually dissociating at the door, as I walked into his office. He saw me do it once, and asked me what just happened, but failed to recognize it or the PTSD, I had been that way for 12
months.

They don't always have the experience or empathy to listen, or get it right. Like anyone, you always get some that are really bad at their job, or really good. You just have to make sure that you have the right one for the job, one that you can relate to.

I am now on my third therapist, and he is excellent and he really listens.

 

[Chadderbox]

Jen I tried 3 different types of medications before I found one that half worked. it was awful trial phase. I tried 2 therapist, even hypnotherepy did not work. I am finally finding small bits of relief with EMDR. Keep trying, dont be afraid to mix things up.

 

[Jen93]

I'm slowly thinking again- not in a big way, but in two second windows I'm thinking "I should be dead because of all the bad things I've done in my life." I think it's just a musing, not really serious- no plan, it's not routine, just sporadically and randomly thinking. Grateful again to my abusers, finding excuses for them, listening to them in my flashbacks and figuring I deserve it all, I should just suck it up- "made my bed and should lie in it" type of thing. Feeling like I'm a bad kid. Never have done anything nice to anybody.

Trying to figure out how to be good. My morals/ sense of morality is so screwed up. I'm just... How does one even begin to be good? How does one not offend others or not get mad at others who have said something? I hate getting mad; I get emotional flashbacks whenever I'm angry, sort of like I have to keep myself straight. I'm tired of this weird moral-compass thing that's been living with me in the back of my mind since I've been 11. It makes me feel bad for everything, getting angry, being happy, being sad, acting silly, shouting, advocating for myself, disagreeing with others during a discussion, or talk, or debate, etc., crying during flashbacks and scaring people, even though I'm not in control of it. I need to learn how to just be... I don't even know the word, agreeable? Good? I have no idea.

It's like I want to rid myself of strong emotions, my emotional flashbacks and some other ones come on when I experience strong emotions. I can't get rid of those emotions though- It's like... people treat me as a breakable doll, but... I think I act as one to; or strive to. :(:cry:

Why can't I just be me?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Jen, you are one of a kind. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You are you already. You are not your thoughts or feelings or even flashbacks. hugs, it will be ok, everything will be ok.

 

[Jen93]

I had to keep repeating to myself starting from when I woke up that I am here for my brother. I am here for my brother; I don't want him getting hurt because he's the one who finds me dead. I am here for my brother. I protected him, I cared about him; if he ever remembers what happened, if he's affected by it as I was, I can't leave him. I have to be there to support him if he remembers. We were in it together, he's not going to be left trying to sort it out alone, because God knows our parents won't help him if he remembers. I am here for my brother.

I am here for my brother. As long as he does not remember, I am here to make sure that he doesn't remember- I'm trying to clue into if he does remember. I can't pick up any signals. I am here for my brother if he does remember. He is going to need support if he does remember, and I will be the one to give it to him, because of my parents "ignorance is bliss and we can both be in denial and play ring around the roses" attitude. I will be the mature one. I will keep calm. I won't be rash and try to kill myself as long as he is still here.

Isn't it odd that a thirteen year old boy is the only thing that's keeping me holding on? Is it like... I'm turning him into some saviour? He's not though. That's unfair of me to put him in that position. As long as he doesn't realize that that's how much he means to me though.. I don't think I'm putting pressure on him. I'm keeping it internalized. I can't externalize it- if I did I'm worried that he'd remember and be traumatized. I am here for my brother, he is here for me. I am here for my brother, he is here for me. That's keeping me here. That is what's keeping me here. I won't hurt him or myself as long as he is here, even though I may feel like I should. I won't.

 

[Jen93]

Ugh. Usually seeing that last post works-I've visited it three times since I posted, but I'm getting an urge to cut myself.. And it's a really visual picture and it brings flashbacks. I'm triggered all over the place and I feel so stuck and hopeless. Nobody would care if I were gone-my parents keep walking out on me during my rages, my brother doesn't connect with me as often as I'd like him to; my memories are going to be the death of me; and I'm a horrible child better off dead. D: I'm considering telling my parents, but I have an exam tomorrow. (I was triggered in today's exam) and then right after the exam we're going to the cottage. Once again they think I use this as an excuse-but I havent slept in a week, I don't see the point in eating anymore; and I'm isolating myself from everyone. I just want to stay in bed all day. I don't believe that this disorder gets better. It's just going to get worse and worse. I feel so selfish and as if I'm just complaining. I keep wanting to scream, but I just get yelled at if I do. I'm stifled, and I don't think I can do this much longer until I snap.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Jen))) I have not heard from you in a while and I am concerned for you. Are you seeing a therapist? Are you on any medication?

You are stronger than you feel I think. You already surivived the past. You are going to school which is amazing. You are pushing through.

But you sound really depressed. I hope you are getting some help. You cannot do this alone. Big hugs Jen.

 

[Flamengo]

Just know you are not alone, even in your darkest hours there are people who will always love you. They will accept the old you, the new you and the you of tomorrow. I feel the same way but we will win and you will be better then before.