I Want "me" Back Again.

[Jen93]

I'm feeling awful, hopeless terrible right now. My parents said that the people there were nice... I just don't understand why I'm always so invalidated. Maybe I was a mistake, a fluke. Maybe everything is just chance-nothing is ever wanted it just happens. I feel like I'm invisible and my feelings don't count because they are expected to be that way. I'm a doll yet again. They put words into my mouth and manipulate my thoughts and meanings. I feel like some object just meant to amuse them and when I say something they don't like they change it to something they do. So I've lost myself. I'm not me. Maybe I never have been. It's better to keep quiet than keep having everything brushed off like this. All I know right now is that I don't feel human; I haven't felt human in a long long time, maybe never-I can't stand feeling like I'm a robot and a doll. I don't know how to express everything to people who keep constantly invalidating me and dehumanizing me. It's so frustrating. Darn it I'm crying. Why am I crying? Am I sad? I don't know. I don't know really what my feelings are anymore-if they're okay to have or real... It's frustrating so, so, so frustrating.

I don't eat-haven't really eaten for a week, I've gone from 95 to 92 lbs in three days, and I'm feeling either overtired or sleepy or insomniac-when I wake up I'm never rested, it's just headache after headache after headache-I think I actually almost blacked out yesterday in the shower, but I got to my bed really quick... And I just remember thinking, maybe if I blacked out for a while I could have some rest, rest from memories, rest from having to care about how this affects my parents, and just for once feel maybe calm and just... Normal? I don't know. :( all I know is I don't like this way I've been acting.

 

[BaRtMaN]

First of all you are not alone in feeling like you just want the old you back. I want that too.....but I have considered this too, I want a better me back and try to stay positive, so I bid the old me goodbye and am trying to work on the new me. It is difficult, but I try to always make my way back to that point. Most of all keep yourself safe and remember if you did do something drastic how many people would be left with PTSD because of it....that is one that really got me thinking when i considered those type of things a few times. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Jen you have to eat. You need help. I think you need to get back into therapy for your own sanity. You are so giving and intelligent, You make alot of sense. I am sad you are having problems with the people in your life. I am really concerned for you. You are valiently going forward. But you need help. Not taking care of yourself will land you in a hospital. Please consider my words. Take good care of yourself Jen. Big hugs.