Dom Violence I want to ask him why???

[Sarah726]

I am constantly being reminded in my thoughts of all that transpired during our long term relationship... I do think quite a bit of the good times we shared our love and bond, the many many places and things we did together especially those things that were just for us-- a couple of places we went to a lot together and things we talked about, we shared our very lives together and it's nothing less than devastating and heartbreaking that he is now incarcerated for attacking me punching me in the head and threatened to put me in intensive care. So damm heartbreaking I can't stop anguishing over it, crying spells and a lot of very sad dreams interrupted sleep, I haven't had a single normal night sleep since that day and he went away...
I have all these thoughts the "whys" swirling around in my head and am thinking of writing him a letter... does anyone have any thoughts on this-- ideas of what to say or avoid, just any advice at all? It would be sent to the jail he's currently incarcerated at...

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think there is an answer that would give you any kind of peace.

I think there are many responses that could just make things worse for you.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Maybe write your letter and read it to your therapist? I don't think you should have any contact with him. I am concerned that you are more focused on the good memories rather than the reality of the situation.

 

[Sarah726]

should I write him a letter?? Telling him how I feel how it affected me etc? Any thoughts on this either way might be helpful to me in how to go about it thanks

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I'm guessing this is in regards to abusive X? Well...I think you should consider the following things, these might help you answer the question,

1. Is he a Narcissist or has any of these traits at all? - if so, he wont care how you feel and this letter will rather just embolden himself and it will actually make him feel eerily pleased

2. Do you have children? -If you do writing him a letter may prove as good evidence during custody battle because, if he either doesn't respond to it (that's almost like admitting abuse) or if he does respond but, doesn't deny abuse but, rather makes excuses that's really good evidence as well

3. What do you wish to gain personally from the letter? This may have the potential to hurt more emotionally than help- with my abusive X I know he would just come back with just pure nastiness if I wrote him a letter like that. Have you considered writing a letter but, not sending it and using this as a therapeutic tool instead?

4. However, if your abusive EX was rather a normal human being with maybe extreme anger issues? Then this may help him see that he needs help.

That's all I could think of right now-hope I helped. It's hard to know what advice to give because I don't know much about your EX other than he was extremely abusive but, other than that I'm not sure how he would respond. It really depends on his motives of behavior- he could have been a drug addict and therefore was violent due to Substance Abuse- these type of people would have a different response to a letter like this than someone like my X with a NPD. Hope I helped!

 

[Sarah726]

Thanks and let's see,.. well first off yes I believe he does have narcisstic personality disorder...no children involved... I tried several times today to write it and was so triggering to me I had to keep stopping, ended up kind of breaking down cried and felt exhausted, took a nap and just put it aside for rest of today... maybe in the morning after my coffee I'll just try to quickly get it out in paper

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Ok, I would say if he has NPD with no children involved I personally wouldn't do it unless you feel it would really help with your closure. Have you spoken to your T- maybe she has better insight/advice. I have dealt with my fair share of narcissists and I married one of them. Dealing with a narcissist is like playing a game and going to battle each and every day. Honestly, horary that you don't have children from him- I would cut off all communication. No matter how many times he attempts to contact just don't- there's no reason to. You've left- glad you're safe! You don't have children so, unless there are assets to divvy up which could be done between lawyers I wouldn't talk to him. Best way to get rid of a narcissist cut off all communication. He doesn't see fault in himself so, unfortunately writing a letter just wont do any good...sorry you are going through all of this!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Nope don't do it. The relationship is ove so move forward. By writing him a letter all you are doing is opening the door for more abuse!!!,

 

[LuckiLee]

I would probably write it but not send it. @She Cat is right it will only open the door for more abuse. And I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. F him!!

 

[leslie82]

I have asked my ex why he hurts literally everyone he encounters. He has just told me he never meant to hurt me but it just seems to keep happening. No physical abuse in 3 years but emotionally...he's destroyed me. He got out of rehab (again) in August. In two weeks he asked if he could move home and he would be a father and provider and partner. I said no prove it on your own. Prove to me you can stay sober and sane and stable. He then says "you confuse me." "I don't think you want me sober or using you married me using." I told him you said you would quit. I said I want the guy who was sober minus two relapses for five months in 2015 - Mar last year. He said "maybe I just need to move on."

Well he did within 2 1/2 weeks. Some chick from rehab. He barely knows who is way younger and has two kids (she doesn't have her kids). He moved in with her and didn't tell his kids. She kicked him out within a week and he has been meth binging for two weeks. Came back to his mom's and yesterday he flipped on her and broke shit. She called the cops but said he couldn't arrest him as he didn't hit her. But I guess he slammed my ex on the car. That would have been great to see. She let him stay and keeps saying she needs to get him committed. I said you have to give tough love. Yes he has mental problems. I feel he probably does have depression and long term meth use replicates schizophrenia. So he needs help but he has to WANT it and I told her that as she cried.

All he has done at his mom's is try to find people to come get him and go get money to get high. Not to see his kids. He's more worried about seeing that girl than his kids. It's fine he's leaving me alone and I wouldn't care what he's doing but there's a big event to raise awareness for my daughter this weekend I planned for two months and I don't want him to show up and destroy it.

But there are times I miss him. I hate it. I hate what he's done to me. I hate that he's turned me into what he has and completely broken me. I wish I knew why too like you. I don't think he knows why he does it. I think his brain is so f*cked from all the years of meth use and getting used to manipulating people he doesn't know how to function like a normal person. He tells people he doesn't know how to be happy that he's just always mad and sad and he doesn't careabout life. I wish he would just disappear.

I have asked my ex why he hurts literally everyone he encounters. He has just told me he never meant t...

Also I even wrote that girl a message and told her everything he's done after she kicked him out. I got a warning from his first wife (but I've known her as long as him and she used to be a bit unstable AND was trying to get him back while telling me how awful he is) and so I feel if I at least try to let someone know what he has done and they ignore it I tried. She said that she appreciated it and could tell he has a destructive personality and can't have that around and wants to get her kids back. But he went back for the weekend. I mean if someone told me that and wasn't trying to get their ex back I'd listen. AND if I had not known my ex before his prison stints and all the stuff he's done and before the meth I would never have been with him.

I know what that girl is going through in her head. He tells her the same exact things he told me and probably everyone. I know why his mother keeps giving him chances. It took me five years to finally tell him no he can't come back...and then he just found a new victim and that pisses me off. Like really? You said you'd do anything to get you family back and then you don't.

I'm just all messed in the head and worse than I was before I met him. I wish I could get rid of the tiny bit deep, deep in my heart that holds out hope.

 

[LuckiLee]

@leslie82. Drug addiction is slowly going to destroy both of you not to mention your relationship.

If I were you I'd cut all contact until he's clean and sober at least one year. But that's just me.

Good luck.

 

[leslie82]

@leslie82. Drug addiction is slowly going to destroy both of you not to mention your...

I haven't heard from him in almost 2 or 3 weeks. He blocked me on Facebook. What relationship? We are divorced...because of his addiction. Same reason for why his first wife left.

His mom called me upset he flipped out on her and was breaking stuff and I was concerned because she doesn't deserve that. I know why she doesn't want to just kick him out but I told her that all he's doing is causing you stress and bringing you down to his level like he does to everyone else. My concern is getting through the even this weekend and hoping he doesn't show up. After that and hopefully he doesn't, I don't care what he does. I honestly don't even care if he OD's again and doesn't wake up this time. He has made it clear he doesn't care about his life so why should anyone else? Apparently he told his mom last night he was going to kill himself after the World Series. She called the sheriff and the sheriff couldnt' do anything because he told him he was "fine." I told her that right there proves he wants no help if he did he would have said "please come get me and take me to the mental health floor."

He told me he wanted to die too and he hasn't done it because he's just playing the victim. I told his mom he's used to getting away with everything and used to getting what he wants and he is lazy and doesn't know how to work for anything. His mom: "He didn't have a perfect childhood and neither did I." I said boo freaking hoo. NO ONE has a perfect childhood. It's not possible to have a perfect anything because humans aren't perfect. She doesn't want to admit she spoiled him and that's why he's entitled.

I didn't have a perfect childhood. I had a horribly emotionally abusive mother - you don't see me using that as an excuse to treat people like crap, to abuse drugs, to abandon my child, to steal, lie and cheat. Normal people don't do that stuff. I remember when I got back with him in rehab two years ago he was manipulating people there to do stuff for him. He was sober. So it's not just the meth. But his life would drastically improve IF he quit meth and got mental help and tried to be better.

I didn't tell his mom this but I wanted to - if he wants to die let him. If he doesn't care about his life why should you? I know it's hard for parents to see their kids go through this but I would NEVER let my daughter get away with even half what he has and if I did what he did my dad would have had me arrested or kicked me out and never let me back in his house.

I just wish there was nothing for him. I wish I could shut off feelings like he apparently does. I do NOT want him back. The thought of it disgusts me. But deep, deep down my heart holds onto this string for him and I hate it. At least I listen to my head now.