Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[Sheila_a]

Courelly, I know it's hard. Be kind to yourself, there is no need for selfblame. There is a reason they are so successful in making it hard. I think it helps to keep reminding us of all those reasons and processes in our bodies and techniques played on us.

Your story triggered many memories in me and, believe it or not, I dreamed about you yesterday ;-).
While such thing (let me call it addiction for a lack of better alternatives) can happen to anyone, I believe, there is a reason, it often are people like you: Beautiful souls, who understand everything, always try to fairly weigh up both sides, rarely contradict... It's not a lack of strenghts, quite to the contrary. It's tenderness and the courage for intense feelings, ultimately pure life energy, what makes us so interesting to them. Cause they don't have it.

Once we start, not to stop being what we are and feeling for others, but extend that understanding, that compassion to ourselves, things begin to fall into place. Keep us posted here, when that happens, please. We want to see you happy.

 

[Whirlwind]

The therapist has set up separate consults and wants to talk to me first

That sounds good, these guys are infamous for playing the "wounded card" for therapists. Better yet, continue counseling separately! :) You want to see his commitment? Wait until he has to go to counseling on his OWN or to a men's group counseling. He'll bail quicker than I can type it, LOL.

I think you know you are ready. You have a plan...even if it feels "unfinished" ..that's how it was for me too I kept wanting to dot an "i" but in the end I just needed to take a leap of faith.

Another holiday is upon us and I hope you take some time to decompress. All of this is very intense and I found I needed to "take a break" at times. For me it also helped to take stock of my "holidays", celebrations, the special moments in life. Small things are important to me, little traditions etc and he just ruined them, each special moment falling by the wayside year after year. It really ticked me off! LOL

I'm so very glad to hear you are going to a DV group for support from others that just get it.

And most of all I am very proud of you admitting you got cold feet! Don't hide these things...we've all done it and we've all been there believe me. I do think it is part of the process but the bucket of cold water will need to be pulled, but again...I think you know this.

Happy spring time!

Whirlwind

 

[courelly]

But what if you’re looking for something that may never happen? Many women never have that defi...

You're right, it's possible I will never get this moment. I've been thinking about that frog in boiling water concept, and how my "enough" threshold is probably completely skewed at this point and I might have to accept it to get my life back.

That sounds good, these guys are infamous for playing the "wounded card" for therapists. Better yet,...

He has been in individual counseling for the last couple of months. This is the first individual counselor he's agreed to see since we got together, and though he's cooperating, I'm pretty certain there's stuff he leaves out of his sessions. It feels like he's doing just enough to exhibit that he's working on it, but also slips often and says that "we" have things to work on. I don't trust that it's a lasting effort.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Just my two cents. I needed out of an abusive realationship. I suffered for too many years and let him stay because he always said he’d have nowhere to go or he had no money. I’d give him an ultimatum: leave or the police will be called. I belonged to a DV support group, I went to the ER twice feeling suicidal.
I finally went to the police station and pleaded for help. Just to remove him from my property. He had no legal status as a tenant. He was trespassing. So they agreed and at 6:00 the next morning the jerk was clearing his stuff out of my garage. He used to tell me that he’d kill me if I called the police.

So he was gone. He stalked me. He’d follow me, I was sure he was going to kill me. Every white pickup caused a fear reaction. I sold my house and moved. The cop that helped me said guys like him just go from woman to woman and if he needed housing he could got to a shelter. He told me to never, never have anything with him.

I found out the he now lives in Florida.

The dogs? He may retaliate and injure them my abuser who adored my 10 pound Maltese threw her all the way across the room. He was ok, I wasn’t. I’ve had dogs forever. It never felt like too much whether we had 1 or 4. I’d try to keep them together if it were me

 

[courelly]

Courelly, I know it's hard. Be kind to yourself, there is no need for selfblame. There is a reason the...

Your comment touched me very much, thank you. I've spent so much of this time questioning myself, wondering if I'm making things up or exaggerating, even though I know that's all part of it. I will take your advice this week and show myself some kindness.

 

[courelly]

Update: the couple's counselor had an individual session with me, and as the session wrapped up she told me that for the future she wants to lead our sessions into me exiting the relationship safely, and that she knows I'm scared, but that all my concerns are valid and this is abuse. Then she reached out to us to schedule another couple's session. He is now upset because she didn't ask for an individual session with him, and feels sure that either I said something to make her turn on him, or that he was too up front about his "shortcomings" but that I hadn't "matched" him, so now she has the wrong idea. I didn't tell him anything about the fact that she wants to help me make an exit plan, per her instruction. He is currently angrily typing her an email to ask why he's not getting an individual session.

 

[Teasel]

I'm really pleased for you that she is wanting to help you, how do you feel about it? :hug:

 

[courelly]

I'm really pleased for you that she is wanting to help you, how do you feel about it? :hug:

I'm both happy and nervous that she wants to help. I didn't even ask for it, it was just her immediate feedback after the individual session.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm so glad you found someone to help you come up with a plan! Please be careful. Take all the precautions you can. Sending you strength and courage to get through this.

XO

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Hi corelly I've just got out from a relationship with a bloke just like yours. It took me 23 years of shit and numerous attempts to get the bastard out of my life because he was like a bloody boomerang and kept coming round to suck me back in to his sick cycle of abuse. I finally cut the cord for good just over 2 months ago and I know this time it's really over at last. He hasn't tried to bait provoke or hoover me again just yet but I have personally don't think he would dare because he has recently been arrested and charged for molesting another woman's kids and he knows it was me who made that happen by blowing the whistle on him to children's services anonymously. But please be aware that even if you do finish things with your bloke this is a common tactic domestic abusers do to try to ensnare their victims again. And when that happens the abuse often escalates because the abuser wants to make sure he is back in control and has the power over you. Please don't let that happen to you as it did to me. I'm really glad you have the support of your counsellor and she's helping you formulate an exit plan. Leaving or kicking out your domestic terrorist is often the most dangerous time for the victim so please take all necessary precautions to ensure your personal safety. You're WORTH it :) bless ya I wish you the best of luck and I hope my story helped you in some small way Boudicca xx

 

[KwanYingirl]

@courelly im so glad your t is wise to him. You will need nerves of steel for awhile. We are here for you. Just take one day at a time. I was in an intensive outpatient program during the time that he was refusing to leave and terrorizing me. I felt trapped. I learned about how victims unconsciously pick fights when they sense tension in the abuser. This is done to “get it over with” and then after his rants he will calm down and be pleasant and asking forgiveness. Stand your ground, keep yourself grounded in reality, trying not to overthink the future. It was suggested to me to install a cellular alarm system including motion detectors as well as changing the locks on the door. Once he’s out, make sure you have an officer of the peace with you and stay until he is well gone. He will keep “forgetting” personal property. Don’t fall for that sly way to slither back into the house. Don’t get an alarm system that goes through your phone line from the street. I made that mistake and he cut the lines, sledgehammered through the back door and destroyed the monitor on the wall. I wasn’t home when this happened and after I had another system it was wireless. He never tried to get in again. Also, I felt very secure with the system. I had them put motion detectors in the basement first and second floors. I still have one but I don’t arm it anymore because he’s far far away.
So hang in there, good luck with your safety plan and date of him leaving. You must be a compassionate, kind and forgiving soul. Of course he sees you as prey. You deserve someone that has as much dignity and respect as you do. This blaming you and generally making everything somehow be your fault is classic DV. If you’re having difficulty in any area of your life, you can start a separate thread under the sections the topic is about. Namaste

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Yes KwanYingirl I just had the security beefed up on my house too. Alarms on all the downstairs windows and doors plus a letterbox protector in case of arson plus the locks changed on both front and back doors plus extra strong bolts on the front door plus an extra smoke alarm downstairs just in case all of the above fails. Unlike you I didn't have a panic button installed but what a crafty bastard your ex was to cut the landline your panic button went through. It just goes to show the depths these vermin will stoop to just to get at you because they are hate to lose control of you Ugh :( my abuser only left because I threatened him with the police but if he hadn't gone I would not have hesitated to call them. My abuser also tried the 'can I leave some stuff with you and come back for it another time' ruse too. Like you I foiled that little plan :) also like you I feel much safer now I have proper protection in place in my home but still not safe enough to always sleep right at night sadly. I'm plagued by depression and nightmares and I don't think they are ever going to go until I move home and I know that wherever I land up my abuser or his rotten associates can't find me. I hope courelly will be safe and you offered her good advice KwanYingirl :) bless ya indeed bless us all who are either free or trying to get free from the hell that is Domestic Violence B xx