Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[blackemerald1]

Oh @courelly thank you for letting us know you are ok! I am so relieved. I have been thinking and wondering about you for days. It's good to see you responding here.:)

I wanted it to be different.

Well yes of course you did! You wanted a happy, healthy & successful relationship. That is what you signed up for. Unfortunately what you got is not what you wanted. It's not your fault. Remember that friend. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

my life revolve around him

Yes I have done this more than once and it has taken a big slap in the face for me to wake up to this behaviour. Yes when you have a 'life' with someone there is a level of compromise and agreement that each partner has to come to and be happy with. You didn't decide the things he inflicted upon you. You gave everything you could and it didn't work. That isn't your fault @courelly!

'm face to face with myself, and it's deafening

Yes have a good long look at yourself and be kind to yourself. Have a rest, sleep. Take your dog for long walks.

Get into therapy or a group as quickly as you can. You need on the ground support right now.

Yes....the absence of being the sole comfort and all else to an abusive person is deafening. It is a horrible experience to find yourself looking for the tension, the obstacles and all the hidden minefields that were previously a day to day proposition for you just to live. And they are not there now. I know what you mean. It is a bizarre feeling and it is not comfortable for now.

You have to give yourself some time to heal now. You have to look after yourself now. That is what is so special about this situation. You are safe! You can do things that are good for you now.

Highly likely that this unusual feeling is quite uncomfortable for you. Remember you are in early days but your comfort will grow with confidence in your new and safe life.

quiet of his absence is so loud.

Yes it will be. I cannot stress how important it is to let that loudness ring itself out and do not contemplate going back. Or ringing him. Nothing.

It is part grief and part just being human that brings on these feelings. It will settle down. You will find healthy things/patterns of getting through for yourself.

So, so glad you are away from him and safe.:hug::hug::)

 

[SameBoat]

I'm so happy to hear you took that HUGE step and got out! I've been lurking on the forum for a while, I was nervous to make an account so i can post but you guys are all so awesome and supportive and inspirational.
So just wanted to say congrats and keep your head up keep moving forward and you will go far :)

 

[Happyplace76]

I made it down to my home town after two days of driving with my brother, everyone. I feel a lot of ve...

Feeling like you left two people is so very normal. I remember what it felt like. It has hard, but you know who deserves love first, and foremost? YOU. And that's why you had to leave. Take a deep breather, go for a walk, sit out on a porch... love on yourself.

 

[Sheila_a]

I'm face to face with myself, and it's deafening! I don't know how else to explain that. Even though I'm interacting with other people, the quiet of his absence is so loud.

Try to look at it as a period of cold turkey, because this is what we're actually going through after having been literally brainwashed and having stress hormenes turned our system upside down. It's a necessary period of cleaning up, of detoxifying your psyche and body.

The pain you're feeling now cannot be compared to the usual sadness people are all going through after a breakup (from a non-abusive partner). And you should be prepared that most people out there and even family members might not understand that. They cannot, as they simply cannot imagine and learned all their lives that relationships work in a specific way. Just like we did. Once.
Thus sentences like "get over it" might cause feelings of guilt if you don't realize, this is a very different situation. It can be an extremely lonely time, causing us feeling like aliens, but it will pass. Promise. You're an amazon. Besides, you have a bunch of people here, who understand!

It's also a good idea to get your senses involved: Give your nose some nice essential oils to smell, like ylang-ylang. Get a massage. If you know a good Ostheopath, he or she might be able to contribute a lot to relaxation, healing and even detoxification. I didn't know they can, but that's what I experienced when I went to see one after my break-up.

And as soon as I was ready, I dumped all things, clothes, music that related to him...

 

[courelly]

Try to look at it as a period of cold turkey, because this is what we're actually going through after...

Thank you! This is all good advice, and I needed to be reminded that what I'm going through isn't normal breakup sadness.

I actually noticed that I'm having imposter syndrome, which is also probably normal. I have an appointment today with a domestic violence advocate for therapy/group therapy etc, and I have this weird feeling of wondering why I'm "taking up" resources meant for women in "real" abusive situations. I've been threatened with a gun and my ex had his hands around my throat, but he didn't HIT me, so. That's where my head's at this week. One day at a time I guess.

Oh @courelly thank you for letting us know you are ok! I am so relieved. I have...

You managed to articulate this better than me - "the absence of being the sole comfort and all else to an abusive person is deafening" - it didn't occur to me that this is probably common, and that abusers only use one person as their comfort and life for a reason. I've spent a lot of time feeling guilty that he doesn't have anyone else besides me to really confide in or get support from. That I have friends and family who want to listen to me talk about this stuff, but he doesn't. I know you can't take from someone just by virtue of having something that they don't, but there's still that guilt of knowing I'm his person, and I took that from him. I know that's not accurate, but it's still in my head.

 

[SameBoat]

You managed to articulate this better than me - "the absence of being the sole comfort and all else to...

This makes a lot of sense to me.. that is one thing I feel is keeping me in my relationship, the guilt of leaving him all alone
but also as I see his behaviors driving other people who were there for him and supportive away, I don’t want to be the last one left to leave

 

[blackemerald1]

there's still that guilt of knowing I'm his person, and I took that from him.

No... @courelly - you didn't take yourself away from him bc you wanted to be harsh. You took yourself away from him bc your relationship was emotionally, physically and financially abusive with him.

You worked on this relationship. You showed him your commitment to re-establishing boundaries within this relationship and ultimately he betrayed himself and you. That is not a failure on your behalf. You are being a dam good ambassador for other people in similar positions.

If he had really wanted to preserve his sole stream of income and comfort he could have treated you with honour and respect. Instead he kept your in a perpetual state of anxiety and uncertainty and thus he failed you.

He drove you away from him bc he left you with no other safe or reasonable way to deal with his behaviour and lack of respect for your safety.

You did what was best for you. We all have to take on this responsibility.

You are not an impostor. When you receive support from DV counselling, in therapy or even with friends. Do not minimise the harm that has been done to you. Would you tell a best friend to do so? Would you support a sister or perhaps one day a daughter to stay with someone who disrespected and threatened health and safety?

Please remember that a sufficiently capable person of either gender can use just their bare hands to kill. Sometimes whilst lost in the sheer rage and ferocity of their anger people kill or seriously maim with just their fists or hands.

This is just one aspect of abuse but it's the safety aspect and you cannot live a long, healthy and happy life with someone who has shown the propensity to do stupid violent things towards you. Even if he didn't hit you once. He had no excuse for placing an angry hand on you - ever.

If you left for just this one reason - in my opinion...totally justified you leaving.:)

Abuse is not confined to your safety. It's emotional and financial abuse too.
@courelly you described far more than his threats. His needs were always your responsibility. When should a adult male take responsibility for himself? Your capacity for pleasing him was never ever going to be enough (for him). That's the hook... you know this.

This is the time for you to openly discuss these issue's with ppl you can trust. If you said to your loved one's or in the DV group 'I feel like an impostor bc......' I am certain you would be told that whilst it is incorrect other ppl feel the same way. It's a minimising thing idk what the psychological workings of it are but it's common.

It's too easy to look around at physically wounded women and children and think oh..hell I am not as bad as that so they deserve more etc. However this is untrue.

Can the frothing, raging face of the abuser fade so quickly? The fists or hands that could harm you do not fade from mind.

You have your scars and wounds and quite often they are the more serious bc they are not so obvious.

but it's still in my head.

Exactly where he hurt you the most?:hug:

But for all this @courelly you are safe now. He cannot harm you. He cannot abuse his position as a trusted partner bc he is no longer afforded that trust. He is not your responsibility anymore. It is definitely a huge transition but you will make it. :happy::hug:

 

[Whirlwind]

cannot be compared to the usual sadness people are all going through after a breakup

I only share my breakup with support group and a select few for just this reason. Unless folks understand DV element...their advice and be unintentionally guilt provoking. I had a "normal" break up and I was sad. This kind of breakup turns you inside out and is layered with a level of fear and anxiety.

I actually noticed that I'm having imposter syndrome

Same. Still do at times. What helped me, I wrote a list of his behaviors and incidents. No sugar coating. I don't have to read it much anymore but when I "forget" I go back to it. Over time the uneasy deeply frightened sense I always carried with me.....eased and then evaporated. Today I have my "now" and I can if I want flip back to "before" and compare. It is like a rolodex in my head.....and I can see the damage and sick environment in contrast to today.

I feel very strongly the subtle mental games were the worst of what I experienced with him. Just so darn...mean and cruel.

This morning I am in my local coffee shop...one of my "get out with others" days. They know me here now and I usually get a treat. Just a nice morning. With him....we did have "nice" moments....but even then there was always an undercurrent.

Good day.....he would still complain about the $, quality of coffee and the decor would have something "wrong". I would always order just regular coffee because anything else would be too much $. He didn't say it but if I did...he would just look at me...ARE you sure? (aka I'll pay later). Then we would talk...about him and whatever "great" thing he had done, cycle ride yesterday (so fast), so much smarter than blah blah. the day could turn painful if he wanted to know "my plans" or "he had plans".

That was the worst....despite being married all of this time...his "ideas" were plans for us that had nothing to do with me or my interests. Its hard to explain but places we would be going....and the details would always be uncomfortable for me. Or something he knew I didn't like. So he would present this whatever to me and then if I didn't act 1000% in love with his idea or had the audacity to point out an obvious issue with his "plan". It would be "my turn" to talk. Never mattered what I said and I am ashamed to admit I felt like a school girl with an intimidating teacher....I would get nervous sharing a little interest or idea with him! My husband!!

Because he would listen or his eyes would immediately glaze over...it was not subtle. Or he would focus his lazer eyes on me and get this dark look of disgust. He would speak to me in a patronizing way....and I would get warm and flushed and just feel stupid. So stupid. My ideas were crap. I wouldn't usually finish and he would cock an eyebrow at me and say "Is that IT?" and I would nod and just leave it.

So over time I didn't share my real interests because .... it was like he would stomp on them and it just hurt me deep down. So I would "put out" something that he could stomp that didn't hurt so much.

These were pie in the sky silly conversations. Or should have been. But every single one just made me feel small. It wasn't fun, I wasn't smiling or laughing despite feeling excited initially that we were "going out". And I would go home and the whole day just feel a little yucky and "flat".

He has done far worse to me but these moments were the worst for me. Just crushing deep down. And this was PURPOSEFUL. He did this to put me in place and make himself bigger and better. Always bigger and better than drab, uninteresting dimwit me.

He drove you away from him bc he left you with no other safe or reasonable way to deal with his behaviour

Exactly. You did not DO this to him and he had no recourse....he was a participant and had responsibility for the outcome. You gave him a chance....plenty of chances and he made a decision. He's responsible for his actions or lack thereof.

Whirlwind

 

[blackemerald1]

@Whirlwind I am so very sorry he did this to you. I can see how utterly demoralising his behaviour towards you would be.

Yet to outsider's looking in on these little 'transactions of fear' I'm sure only those closest to you would ever have sensed the oppression you were subjected to. If at anyone at all.

 

[Whirlwind]

If at anyone at all

Those that knew (of) us.....today I am the "ungrateful" wife who hurt to the core Mr. Famous Wonderful. I threw everything he "gave" me in the dirt and I was only after "his" money.

Fact is he presented them ALL with a false version and the REAL man I know is ferocious about protecting that secret. It was and is my only leverage on him today. The ferocity that he protects it with...proves that is the real him. He's afraid they will find out. He knows who is is and what he does.

I am so very sorry he did this to you

Thank you, I appreciate it. And I know ALL of you "get it". I share this stuff not for sympathy but because it is easier to see in others when you are stuck in your own fog. Those currently trapped read and get it...and then look at their own circumstances and think...wait a minute..that story strikes me as so FAMILIAR. Abusers use the same tactics, different flavors but while I was in my mess, I could see it in others so easily.

My old boyfriend...thought I was adventurous and smart. With him I took risks because I felt safe and confident. I was successful and I have some accomplishments behind me....and I felt/feel like a fraud. Its programming. I was so much "bigger" before this marriage.

But ladies...I love my coffee shop. Yesterday I replaced the thermocouple on my water heater all by myself (well, with youtube :).

Today...pardon me but F*ck him and all of his crap. I know what he is and what he did...and what he did to me is pathetic and sad. I don't respect the guy nor am I in awe of him anymore. He's a man who lost his soul along the way and I'm grateful for still having mine.

I am not as "big" as I used to be but I am so much bigger now than I was with him. I am closing in on my real self again.

Best to all of you, have a wonderful day!

Whirlwind

 

[courelly]

This makes a lot of sense to me.. that is one thing I feel is keeping me in my relationship, the guilt...

I understand so deeply how you feel, that sense of responsibility. That you are going to be there for him when no one else will.

Here was the kicker for me: I was being this person for him, but he wasn't being that person for me. Yes, he was nice to me a lot of the time, and yes, he was supportive about certain things, but he was also punishing and mean. Is your partner really reciprocating what you're offering him? You don't punish him when he upsets you or irritates you. A partnership is supposed to be about mutual love and respect, so you don't owe him what he isn't giving you. You have every right to leave, even if that means leaving him alone.

 

[Anongirl]

In my situation I never could figure out a (plan) of escape because I was just too afraid. It was one of those do it now or never moments. He was accusing me of cheating and wanted my phone I refused to give it to him. After a physical battle in which he won he took the phone outside to go through it so I grabbed the home phone and called the cops. I never got back with him after that and filed a restraining order/divorce papers.