I Want To Die....please Kill Me Anyone!!!!

[SUD BATES]

Every episode I write, I feel like this is the worst “Down and Out” I felt in my entire life. Then HE(You know who-The Almighty) denounces “Wait till you have written the next episode.”

Right now I have no job, no money, no nothing. I have ruined my career, ripped apart my future, and I and only I am to blame for that.

Wow, that feeling of dying keeps moving higher and higher, overpowering me. When I go to sleep, I wish I wouldn’t be able to see the light of the next day. But I keep waking up and up, like an assf*cking whore. I am totally pissed off with my creator and have broken all ties with HIM. I know I have made some hasty decisions in the past, all of which led to my downfall. I know, after I realized I made the wrong choices, I should have resurrected them by wholeheartedly looking for a new job. I don’t know how helpless and depressed HE wants to see me before losing total control. I know He is punishing me for the wrong decisions I have taken. He is saying “See I gave you an opportunity and you didn’t grab it, so suffer you f*** piece of shit. You are cursed with a slow, torturous and painful life.

Suicide is actually not an option. No, I can’t do that, it’s a cowardly act, I suppose. But anyways, I wont be living to see what kind of act it was. Still I wish to die in 4 ways:

1) Die in my sleep-Peacefully

2) Die in a road or flight accident

3) Someone robs my house, kills me and runs away

4) Die in a natural disaster

 

[James McGregor]

If you see suicide as a cowardly act, why do you suppose urging others to commit a crime on your behalf any less of a cowardly act? Can't say I understand your reasoning, but to do a great disservice to those poor souls who saw suicide as their ownly way out, while not in a good frame of mind . Not really sure what kind of response you expect from this kind of post?

 

[ladee]

Very Glad to see you are not really going to end your life.
Pretty sure most of us here have felt the same at different times.

Keep coming back and sharing. Take time to read around the forum. You will see you are not alone and also be shown ways to distract and get centered.

Welcome...Glad you found us.

 

[SeptemViginti]

I'm so sorry for your pain today.

I would be mindful to understand that the negative intentions you are attributing to HIM are antithetical to the teachings of (Christianity?) and most religions. I find it very sad that you've chosen to harm yourself and carry such a negative perspective about a deity figure, pointing inward with your pain.

I point inward with my pain as well. It is almost every single time a much worse situation in my head than when I look at it in retrospect.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Every episode I write, I feel like this is the worst “Down and Out” I felt in my entire life. The...

@SUD BATES Good for you - get that out! Yes! I have been sitting here for a few hours now crying my eyes out because someone I care about died Friday morning. She was sweet, kind, giving, loving and could play the piano like Liberace. And now she is gone. And with my most recent fall from Grace, feeling like I may never see her again. And I am so upset and have been crying throughout this past Friday off and mostly on and up until this moment. My face is stained with tears @SUD BATES. Have been listening to Michael Buble' 2015 full concert for PBS crying through the sad songs, and feeling like - why can't I be that happy through the joyous standards Buble' sings so excitingly. I want to be filled with happiness too! And I am not.

In my life I as well have made some real rip-roaring expletive messes and I am still (probably for rest of my life in some way or another) going to be continuing and trying to clean up deluge of flooded self-made mis-takes that have had dire and severe consequences in and to my life. And what I perpetuated and acted out that was taught to me from a small child all of the way up way into my full adulthood (50's), well, I am just now years later - getting a full (where I am at this moment in time) picture and broad colorful view of the conscious (don't think so) and the unconscious (unaware of truly what I was doing which was self-destructing the way I was programmed to do by sick expletives.

The tornadic-life choices (from for me - the expletive cards I was dealt) and also I have made more devastating unintentional (I did not know I was self-destructing myself) self-harmful life choices because my core (soul) was ripped out and destroyed by sickening and evil mind-bending animals (who were suppose to be teaching me about self love and love of others; about how my body is a temple; how I am to create healthy boundaries) instead chose to leave us in orphanage, foster homes, TMI! And we were dropped off at the church house door, etc. Now, I am so hard trying to forgive myself which is one expletive of a job for perpetuating what was so crazily and cruelly taught to me (and sister), let alone believe that God has forgiven me (Bible tells me so).

Whether I fully knew (which of the many of my self-harming life choices I did not know the rippling and long-lasting life altering effects) and was or was not aware of my self-destructive mind-blowing choices and/or (both) and whether these choices were fragmented damaged parts of me (pcptsd) that reared (acted out) their ugly head, I know that I had an expletive lot of extreme mind-destroying assistance and sicko help by "expletive sick and defiled caregivers" and I being programmed by these so-called "caregivers set out to self-destruct, I set out (free will ?) to do so for many, many years trying to take my butt out of here. No, I was programmed to self-destruct. What evil and cruel demonic crap that was taught to me that led me to nearly fatal self-destruction and total annihilation, now it is vitally important that I give these vile, immoral, and malevolent people "caregivers" their trophies that are in Hell awaiting them, for they did one expletive of a job nearly killing me. it is important I recognize that for me and for me only - that I do have a Creator. And my Creator's name is God. I screwed up Friday after hearing about my beloved friend's passing, and acted out against myself. And this is old I thought pretty much dealt with self-deprecating behavior. No. I still am not able to fully comprehend how deeply-rooted my prolonged complex ptsd is ingrained throughout my entire spirit, mind, and body.

And I too get sooo tired of living out what the expletive was done to me and not done for me @SUD BATES . Old tapes and Lies, Lies, Lies. I am in EMDR Therapy and I will not give up, give in. No, I tried (not well enough) to take myself out of here; evidently I am suppose to be here, for what purpose, I have no clue. All I know is that because of this forum and these members here - now - I have even more weaponry in arsenal to fight the good fight, and learn all I can about my symptoms, reactions vs. actions; and all that these beloved members (to me) will be continuing to teach me as I try to grasp the depth and breadth and gravity of the depravity that I survived, I am a flippin' expletive survivor, and I am sucking air this moment. I have a heartbeat, and my friend does not; she'll be cremated tomorrow most likely. She's gone. I am still here. So very grateful for your post @SUD BATES. You keep being real, getting that rage out, talking, seeking. We are listening and we (I) as well, do give and expletive about you. JadesJewel

 

[SeptemViginti]

Right now I have no job, no money, no nothing. I have ruined my career,

I have been there and am once again in a similar situation of no job, no money, and fear that I am going to be unsuccessful in my career. I wish that life wasn't all about making money to pay bills to people who have millions of monies...

 

[heyheyhey]

So many of us here have felt very similarly, and we have dragged ourselves out of it and are now in a much better place (or are on our way there). Take tie to learn how other people have done this by reading the forum, research the hell out of your disorder and treatment options, and then bit by bit work to getting better. If you do not feel like your only option is death, and you are not choosing death, then you are choosing life, and since you are choosing life - all you can do is, either - wallow, and let it further consume you, or bit by bit build yourself up, and help yourself get better. Like drips of water into a cup, if you make positive changes, over time they will come into fruition. So begin now. I didn't have money or a full time job or many friends here when i began, I was depressed and thought about ending it all. And now here I am, because I invested the time into getting better, it's something we can all do. You don't need therapy right now, if you cannot afford it. Letting nature be your therapy, let running be your therapy, let yoga be your therapy. Read the suggestions of Van der Kolk, do some therapeutic writing, buy yourself a cheap CBT book. You're not choosing to die, so this is what you are choosing, to get better. And you can get better, and you will with every little choice you make. We either choose to get better, or we choose to get worse through what we do not do. We can do it.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@SUD BATES In reading your post, I understand 100 percent where you are coming from, I have been the same state so many times in my life, so many I can't even give it a number. And I venture to guess many here on the forum have been where you are coming from too.

Yet, I am still here, partly because a part of me had some hope things would change, and you seem to have a similar hope as is evidenced by your post.

What I can tell you is things do change, but that only happens if you let it, opportunities present themselves, but you may miss them if you are in a state of mind where you can't recognize them.

And I can tell you something I learned only recently in PHP, and that is we can't control others, we can't control the world around us, we can control our own destiny and our own conduct, in fact we are the only one who can.

But from the nature of your post, my advise is don't go this alone. Get some help. If it ends up being hard to find go to the EMERGENCY ROOM, and you will find they will get you a referral that fits your needs. Since you don't have a plan, and bed space is always at a premium your don't have to worry about them holding you for your own safety, as these days that only happens if you have a plan. At least that is the way it is most places. For india you should research what to expect and proceed accordingly.

You always have the option of finding someone who meets your needs on your own and make contact with them. What you need right now is guidance, structure and emotional support so you can work on a plan to fix that which is broken in your life at the moment. Nobody else can do that only you can.

It is not easy, I myself have lost everything I have, been homeless, jobless multiple times in my life. Somehow I managed each time to rise above having hit bottom. You can rise above your current situation. I hope you will, and I am sure everyone on the forum hopes you will.

 

[Mashed Potatoes]

Every episode I write, I feel like this is the worst “Down and Out” I felt in my entire life. The...

hi @SUD BATES and I apoligize in advance if my remarks are similar to someone elses. I can't always read them since I will lose my train of thought. I just wanted to let you know i understand your position and applaud you for sharing it. I hope I may be allowed to share my own journey with you. I was born catholic but my hippocritical family turned me agnostic :) I've been thru alot too as we all have, and that left me really turning to be into an aetheist. I couldn't understand how any God could allow the things to happen to me that did. I don't remember where I heard the phrase but someone once said to me, it's more like this: instead of God why did this happen to me, to ask Okay God, what do I do with this? ... or something along those lines. One day I just kind of realized that all the things I went thru, someone was palced in my path... a friend, a stranger, an EMT, someone found me a way to get out and to be alive. I found my way back to God again but now I don't hide my pain. I don't stick down the mental illness i suffer with andin fact, I was just at church this morning (tho I go to a Wesleyan church now not Catholic anymore) and i shard with some people the sturggles I've been having of late and the suicidal ideations. People will always choose the wrong thing in this world (some people) and some people will hurt people, it's their choice but I do believe that we are never alone and that something that gets us thru, that someone, is put in our path for a reason. So it is crap the things we have all had to go thru, but it's not the end of your story, it's part of it, and it's all in how we get up, every day, we get up, we find a reason, we talk to others, we can use our story to maybe help the next person. (I think I got all wordy and if I said too much I am sorry) much love.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time! :hug:

When I go to sleep, I wish I wouldn’t be able to see the light of the next day. But I keep waking up and up, like an assf*cking whore.

I know this feeling! I wish it ever night as well and then wake up like "WTF?"

I challenge you though.

ripped apart my future

How do you know this? You have no idea what is in the future for you and what is right around the corner as it hasn't happened yet. Maybe there is something in the future that is an opportunity of a new career and a new path that will allow you to have new chances. Does that make sense? We can't see the future so it isn't accurate to say that there is nothing in the future for us.

But I understand the struggle well! I have MANY failed attempts. I'm sorry you feel this way, though I understand it! :hug:

 

[SUD BATES]

If you see suicide as a cowardly act, why do you suppose urging others to commit a crime on your...

You won't understand me until u understand my position...mate....every moment of my life stings and stinks.....i am a burden to my family, to the society, to the whole world.....one less problem in the world without me!!!!!!!!

 

[SeptemViginti]

You won't understand me until u understand my position...mate....every moment of my life stings and s...

I have felt exactly like you've felt often in the past couple of years. This last week even.

:(