I Want To Die....please Kill Me Anyone!!!!

[lostforgottensoul]

.i am a burden to my family, to the society, to the whole world.....one less problem in the world without me!!!!!!!!

I still feel that way, every single day. It's a shitty exisitance and the only one I know as my daily suicidal thoughts started at the age of 8.

But, as alone as I am, as much as my family hates me, as much as I suck at being in this world and how most scamble to get away from me; I still cannot say honestly that not one person would hurt deeply from my suicide and I want to hurt myself, not anyone else.

Though I live in a crappy area barely scraping by and homelessness is a very real possiblity, I cannot say for certianity, if I am being honest with myself, that it will never get better. Never is a very long time. So I cannot say with certianity if I am being honest with myself that what I need (in your case a job and thus money) isn't just around the corner. Or around a few.

Also, pick apart your statement for a min. Bare with me, I have a point.

"i am a burden to my family"; your family's words or your own distorted thoughts? Distorted thinking is VERY common with PTSD. I think most of my thinking is distorted.

So, all of your family or just a few asshole members? All wouldn't just include parents & siblings but also aunts & uncles, cousins along with 2nd, 3rd etc, neices/nephews, their kids?, grand parents, any married in members X 2 (both sides of the family). So think of all of them.

I know on my dad's side alone there are well over 100 members that very much dislike me but there are a cousin here and there or a 2nd cousin, an aunt and uncle here and there. I can't say I am a burden to them all nor can I say none of them (including the ones that hate me) would really hurt if I died. Most especially at my own hands.

My mom is the 2nd youngest of 14, her family are too many to count. Most don't know me or ever met me. But a few have tracked me down.

"[I'm a burden] to the society, to the whole world.."

Now how would you know that for sure? I am part of society and the world as a whole and I don't think you are a burden.

I know this line of challenging can drive you nuts as it did me but I have a lot of this everyone/no one black & white distorted thinking and the most helpful exchange on here said to make it more realistic. So a few/several/many/[or a number of people] think i am a burden. Sounds silly but once I changed those words, my entire way of thinking changed. And it has really helped this black & white/all or nothing distorted thinking parrerns.

"one less problem in the world without me" i think I covered that in the above, again, distorted thinking. You aren't a burden to everyone in the world. Maybe to a select few people but the entire world isn't accurate.

I understand this ia how you feel and I also struggle with it so I fully get it but it makes it no less inaccurate and distortions.

I hope this helped at leaat a small bit. And I am sorry you are struggling! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@SUD BATES I so understand how you feel!!!! There are days, weeks that I feel the same...

 

[joeylittle]

@SUD BATES - if you have a moment, read the link in this post: Deconstructing The Relationship Between Ptsd And Suicidal Thinking

I really do understand where you are at. I'm not going to tell you that things easily get better; I'm struggling with that myself right now.

But what is true is: change is the only constant that there is. The only thing we can count on in life, in the world, in the passage of time - is change. Moment to moment, day to day, week to week, there is change. Sometimes it can seem negative; sometimes it can seem positive; but it is always happening.

And so, that feeling you have - that things are permanently stuck in "worst" gear - that is an illusion. It is painful, it hurts like hell, I don't deny that - but it is not a forever feeling.

You think right now that dying is the way to get out of the feeling; but you also know (you wrote it in your first post) that you wouldn't be around to experience any relief from that.

Can you try and see that what you are desperately craving is not death, but relief? Not the end of everything, but simply - a lessening of the pressure and pain you are in right now?

And if you can - what are some things that would make your life more livable? What can you change?

 

[Jadie Rose]

Every episode I write, I feel like this is the worst “Down and Out” I felt in my entire life. The...

I know exactly how you are feeling, Sud Bates, and had I reached out to others like you have I may not have completed the attempts. It is ok, try not to be hard on yourself for thinking any of it...it's how you feel or felt at that moment and good for you for reaching out like you have!! I did not know have the guts to tell anyone and just tried. I have come to understand many have these thoughts and the truth is I am glad it did not work. I found this forum and people truly do understand. So just keep writing here and reaching out, I and many others know exactly what it is like to feel like you're in a deep dark haunted place with no light (YET) at the end of the tunnel!! :hug: Please just keep sharing and get it all out here in this safe place.

 

[Anonrocksalt]

Every episode I write, I feel like this is the worst “Down and Out” I felt in my entire life. The...

"3) Someone robs my house, kills me and runs away"

Above all else man, you have to understand people on here fear their entire lives something that you are claiming you want.

I'm not trying to denounce your feelings in any way or say that you don't have a right to choose what you want. But a little perspective from others can shed light on your own situation, many can't even leave their own home for the fear of being killed by a stranger.. when I finally get the courage to go out I feel like I owe it to the people who literally aren't able to. Like the feeling of appreciation of my legs when I see someone who can't walk.

I feel the biggest lesson someone who's been traumatized can learn (even if you've done it to yourself) is to learn not to hurt anyone in the way you feel so broken from... even if it is to get what you want. I recommend seeking help literally at the best local hospital you can, no matter the cost they will see a patient with your needs. What you and anyone around you supporting you deserves, is you having more tools to cope with these thoughts.
( I'm personally sorry you are having, been there done that, and there is another side. )

Damn I mean one time a healthy dose of psychedelics put my mind back into perspective, having a kind of ego death and acceptance. Something practiced in hospice patients in other countries.

For what it's worth *hugs*
-salt

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you have a therapist? If not, please seek one ASAP. You're saftey is #1 so a hospital would be approprate. So please take the action that will keep you safe.

But if you have a therapist, do you have a suicide contract? If not, it would be a wonderful thing to have. And it's a tool. A great tool.

No-Suicide Contracts - What They are and How to Use Them - No-Suicide Contracts - Suicide.org!

Mine has MANY things. Grounding techniques, DBT distracting & DBT self soothing techniques that we have discussed together that work, other coping tools that we have discussed such as hobbies and such. Call my dad & step mom (so call someone you know). The last thing on there is to call 911 and/or go to the hospital as I can't reach my therapist for emergencies but many can call/text their therapist so that may be a step before 911/hospital.

The suicide contract is a HUGE tool for me.

ETA: I basically go step by step when suicidal. So if step 1 doesn't work then I go to 2, then to 3 and so forth. The last step is always 911 and/or hospital. I forgot a crisis chat/text line is right before that but anyway, it is what I contract to do before taking the steps of suicide so 911/hospital is last so I am contracted to go there before i go through the act of suicide, thus never get to going through the act. Though I have tossed it aside but I usually keep my promises to my therapist ao isually don't toss it aside.

This is something I recommend to anyone that has suicide thoughts at all.

I hope something in this thread helps you as I understand how horrible it is to be in the edge and I want to make sure you are safe. Please take care of yourself. You are loved! :hug:

 

[catch the wind]

If you see suicide as a cowardly act, why do you suppose urging others to commit a crime on your...

My heart breaks for you.I have been exactly were you are and I do understand your pain. What has gotten me through is my faith in God. This was put on my heart to tell you that God has NOT abandoned you
Often when we feel abandoned, the last thing we want to do is talk to the one who we feel has betrayed us. When it comes to God, however, the best thing you can do is talk to Him and tell Him how you feel. As your father, He wants to hear from you as often as you are willing to let Him be a part of your life. Not only will God listen to every prayer you speak, but He will come to you every time you ask for Him. He may not answer every prayer exactly the way you would like Him to, and He may not answer them immediately, but He will sit with you and comfort you while you wait. If you want God to walk with you, it's important that you talk to Him. Just ask.
Good for you that you are reaching out through this site,the worst thing we can do when we are depressed is to isolate ourselves.Keep reaching out.

 

[alrite]

I hesitate to respond because you are obviously in a very dark place and it it is presumptuous to think I understand well enough to speak into it to you.
" I have ruined my career, ripped apart my future, and I and only I am to blame for that."
This statement suggests that you are directing (missdirecting) your anger at your self. Leading to self-saba ginger and suicide. This is a way of protecting the important people (parents) that we are really angry with. It is a child''s solution to an overwhelming problem. It starts off as misdirected anger, but as we self sabotage wè become angry at our selves for real faults and the downward spiral accelerates. Having survived this I have some ideas about recovery.
1. Paradoxically your self-hatred is because you are a good person who doesn't want to attack others. (Though you may do this at times.
2. The self-hating part of you has positive intentions but is mistaken - Punishment will not make you a better person. It will just make you more angry and self-loathing and self-sabotaging.
3. Your creator is not a 7 year old boy who likes to torcher the ants in his ant farm. The creator loves you and has good intentions for you.
4. Compassion is what you need to heal and recover.
5. It's never too late to start the journey to heal.
I hope this is of some help. I will pray for you.

 

[Will86]

I feel sorry for the pain you are experiencing, it's terrible and sad.
However, some people here have already experienced the suicide of a loved one, be careful when you use certain words because they can be disrespectful to others without you even realizing it.
I don't take it too personally but I'm going to share with you a thought I had after my grandmother passed away.
I hope it will help you and will make you feel a bit better somehow.

I lost my grandmother who committed suicide 3 weeks ago, was she a coward ?

What is a coward and what is a hero ? What is the line that separate these two types of characters ?

Do we necessarily need to experience war ? do we necessarily need to save someone else life ? Do we need to learn how to fight and be stranger to fear ?
I have been wondering these questions but those were the wrong questions I was wondering.

It is by analyzing the person my grandmother was after she died that I could finally define what a real hero is ( at least from my own perspective ).
Heroes are people who are filled with love and spread it around them.
The same people that show respect and offer kindness to others and the world around them.
Those are real heroes.

Maybe you can become this hero, maybe you were this hero, I'm sure you have the power to become one like everyone.
Maybe you are already a hero but you are not even aware of it.
It's never too late.
People who loved you and cared for you, after you die, they won't remember your carrier, how much you had on your bank account or how many times you have failed in your life.
No, these people will remember who you were as a human being.
What do you want these people to remember from you ?

My grandmother was a real hero, that's what I remember from her.
She committed suicide and it didn't change my mind on that.
There are so many factors that can push someone to put an end to his own life.
We should not judge this act as a cowardly act, just accept it as it his. A decision made under great fear and sorrow.

You feel anger, hatred and fear. This is normal, we all have been there, you are a normal human being filled with emotion.
You are a human being who is going through the darkest moments of his life but you can still find the light.
I'm not a believer but I believe life is magical and can be considered as a great spirit in itself.
May life shows you the way and bring peace in yourself and into your life.
Don't give up on life, don't put an end to your life, there is still hope, always.

Take care brother /or sister.

 

[eloc]

Every episode I write, I feel like this is the worst “Down and Out” I felt in my entire life. The...

I am very sorry for your situation I too have had my thoughts along these lines - never expressed as I have young kids who would be taken off me and I still have the drive to look after my kids and enough knowledge about system abuse and child survival that even though I am screwy that I am their best option so yes life is relentless and can be torturous when your bodily reactions are not in your control and it seems like you are choosing or behaving badly . It has helped me a lot to read about the endicrinology of PTSD and know that my behaviour is often an outcome of my endicrinology and HPA axis dysfunction not my conscious decision making. I am not denying that I have choices but I am not always cognitively in control and I am realising and sounds like you are to that given time and space better ones can be made. I was in a very bad place and was pushed to the limits by my workers compensation insurance processes - I ended up getting hypnosis for increasing my physical activity which got me somewhat out of a rut through exercise and routine and I decided to accept my diagnosis and learn all about it that I could and to be forgiving on myself and to be happy with very small things - a day without activation, a pleasant interaction at the shops - I have no job, no income and no prospects but somehow I go on everyday and I do small things to make caring for my kids doable - beyond that being level is what I can manage for now - I was in a way worse position when I was running to get back to who I was - I do still occassional wish for a dread disease or car accident to give me a rest or end it without the pre-guilt of what suicide would do to my familybut actually not trying to get back to a pretrauma state is also an answer - financially its a disaster but at least I can smile for my kids get up in the morning swim and pick them up and try to help them with their own anxieties..... beyond that if I try I am overwhelmed - so all things in their time - success for me is not being an asshole to the people I love and having enough food and medical care when needed. I was previously a director in what at times was a 70 million dollar not for profit and was totally driven by what I did - now I can not do that and I am pretty sure it made me sick so wanting to go back to that is like another kind of death wish.

 

[Mit]

But what is true is: change is the only constant that there is. The only thing we can count on in life, in the world, in the passage of time - is change

Absolutely agree with this and as a way of trying to get through the worst periods.

At very low times I have also thought about the passage of time, and how, for instance in a weeks time things may be very different. It has given me something to cling on to, so from experience thinking about this has kept me going.

Can you try and see that what you are desperately craving is not death, but relief? Not the end of everything, but simply - a lessening of the pressure and pain you are in right now?

Again just wanted to say thanks for putting this out there. Again, knowing this has helped me in very dark periods.

@SUD BATES I hope thinking in this way might help you like it's helped me.

Best wishes

Mit

 

[Stickler]

I'm a burden to my family too. I'm ashamed of it.

I'm going to go to college, get a good job, and pay my family back.

You could maybe do that?