I Want To Die

[illusionist]

@EveHarrington ......take your circumstances and imagine someone else had them....would you feel that they were a burden on society and their family?

 

[Gadgie]

The only solution that I see is death.

I thought like that a few months ago, but believe me there will come a time when you look back on that, and realise just how wrong you were.

I'm not just saying that, after my wife passed I was a wreck, even though we knew it was coming. But I when I got to rock bottom, I remembered the days when she was in a hospice, and how I saw people there who would give everything they had just to live for another day.

I often look back on that time, and one day, you will as well.

 

[WillyKat]

I understand and I have been there often. The thing is, I think what you really want is to eliminate the anxiety, depression, flashbacks, negative self-narrative, and so on. There is more to you than those things.

Small, attainable goals. Breathe deep.

 

[Ka-9]

I heard it put this way about death,

You're not the one leaving, you're the one "joining" every other living being from the beginning's of time, there's no rush. Even the universe will one day be re-called. This is one way I try to train my brain to deal with my death issues. Without death, life is irrelevant. Without loss, love is irrelevant. I'm not saying it seems fair to us, but I don't think we are expected to ever understand everything, just accept we are a samll component of a monumentally huge thing.

I remember talking to a kid once who tried to kill himself, got into an arguement with his father, so he put his biathalon rifle in his mouth and pulled the trigger. His retainer stopped the bullet most of the way. All I remember him saying was "I don't want to die, I'm sorry". I thought of that having been a hair trigger away myself at times. I think suicide is one bastard of a mind f*ck, and you cannot let it trick you.

 

[sonicwhite]

Ya when in 2005 I took five xtc pills. Went to a shell station. Started making a lot of noise. They called the cops. The cops beat me up and put me in their unit. From there I go to jail. I get raped. A catheter in me pulled out with the balloon open.


I remember being in the stretcher and they where trying to shoot me up in both forearms with some sedative. I remember screaming I don't want to die. The reason I took the five xtc pills was I thought I gave my ex HIV and I wanted to die. But when the moment came I asked God to fogive me.


I woke up in detox and was totally out of it. Psychotic to the max. I will always remember that sheer horror of thinking this is it.


And I believe a lot of ppl who jump off bridges say the same thing before impact. Yes suicide is a liar and it will steal from you , your friends and family. So don't give up.

 

[Friday]

I've never accomplished anything and at this point there are symptoms that prevent me from functioning normally. I have no right to be a burden on society or my family. The only solution that I see is death.

Just because it's the only solution I can see, doesn't mean it's the only solution.

Just because it's what I want, it doesn't mean that it's what would be best for me, make me the most happy, or even be what I would want in 5 / 10 / 26 & a half years.

No one has the right -in theory- but everyone has the right to choose to take up that burden, and many people devote their entire lives to taking care of others. That's their passion, their joy, & their chosen path in life. Good thing, because some people need to be taken care of (or they'd die), and other people want to be taken care of (for many reasons).

One of my rules about suicide is that if I'm willing to kill myself? Before doing that I have to be willing to change EVERYTHING, (or I'm not really willing to kill myself). Meaning I'm not allowed to just eat my gun wherever I am. First I have to leave my family, leave all -or most- of my stuff, & leave the country. Near literally change everything. Whether it's Thailand or Sweden, tropical paradise or war torn hell... I have to go somewhere completely different from where I'm at... And do something completely different from what I've been doing.

I'm not usually willing to do that. I'm still trying to fight / hang onto what I have. Which makes suicide not make sense, logically, because if I kill myself? I lose all that, anyway. But it's still the main argument against; But then I'd risk losing ABC!! I can't just walk off and leave XYZ!! When that bit of contra-logic runs face first into my other "logic".... I know it's earned the damn quotation marks. If I'm not willing to walk away from everything, but I am willing to kill myself? I'm not thinking clearly. My logic is f*cked up.

How 'bout it, Eve? Are you willing to change everything, before losing everything?

 

[mamachick]

I see life as just biding my time until death.

I've never accomplished anything and at this point there are symptoms that prevent me from functioning normally. I have no right to be a burden on society or my family. The only solution that I see is death.

Eve I have been where you are, and may be again tomorrow or next week or next month. I know we are all going to die sometime, and I also cannot function normally, but what exactly is normally. I do know what it feels like to be a burden, and that has caused me SI. I think of myself as a burden, but I do not think of anyone else as a burden. I am not going to say things that are guilt ridden about the harm that would do to your family although I know survivors in pain. I know that your thoughts are not about them and their pain right now, it is about yours. You have every right to feel the way you do, I just hope that you do not act on it. We never know what tomorrow will bring.

Have you felt this way before?
Has it ever passed or lightened?