RoseMaryThornBushes
New Here
I'm turning 24 this December, I'm an only child, but I never felt the love from my family other than material needs and... violence.
It all fits into a nice puzzle now–how I always had depression and suicidal thoughts since childhood.
Ever since young, my dad has been very possessive, when I wanted to make friends in my neighbourhood, he will get angry and sometimes throw things around, hit my mom or me. This caused me to have really unstable friendships throughout my life. I always have a habit of cutting ties, and it's not something I can control.
When I was 3/4, my dad hit me with a chair and my mom tried to protect me. It hit my legs, but also wounded my soul until today (I did not know it until recent triggers). I remember having dreams of myself at the corner of the ceiling looking down at my mom, when my dad was serving prison terms for escaping the army. I realised, that it was nothing spiritual, but more of disassociation.
When I was 5-7, I was bullied and outcasted in school, and I was always low in self esteem, because of depression (that I did not know about). My parents then had a bit of separation because they both had outside affairs. I felt like a child that nobody wanted. I followed my mom and had to call another stranger 'daddy'. Then our family got back together through quarrels and violence. I was confused, and I had two other sisters whom I thought I would be able to live with for the rest of my life, taken away.
When I was 7-15, I never felt close to my father. In fact, there was just violence, threats of taking my life away whenever I wanted to discuss something. My mind wanted to escape to the forest, to a place where I can just lay there and never come back.
16. I wanted to finally take my life, but I asked God for help. And that was when I became a Christian when He answered me on the window sills before I jumped down.
When I was 15-19, I don't remember my father ever trying to care much about family time. He didn't ask how I was doing in school, he didn't talk to me about anything in life. Only violence and anger, and using knife to threaten to kill my mom and me, taking glassware and throwing it on the floor.
When I was 21, God challenged me to forgive my father. I tried to. It still hurts.
Today, I just came back from serving in a humanitarian org for abused children from hill villages and I got my own PTSD and depression triggered by an angry boss. I am seeking counselling back in my home country, and I feel like.... disappearing, because I lost interest in life. I feel like I want to talk to my therapist for 24 hours until my depression and problems are gone. My father is still here, but I don't think I trust him at all. I am stuck in my room, not having any interest in life. I want to find a job, be normal like all the other friends around me. I want to be free.
I can't talk to my mother. She replies with "that is life, I don't see how it can affect you so much, your father only hit you once."
Someone, anyone, who has broke free of themselves, please let me know. I want some good news.
It all fits into a nice puzzle now–how I always had depression and suicidal thoughts since childhood.
Ever since young, my dad has been very possessive, when I wanted to make friends in my neighbourhood, he will get angry and sometimes throw things around, hit my mom or me. This caused me to have really unstable friendships throughout my life. I always have a habit of cutting ties, and it's not something I can control.
When I was 3/4, my dad hit me with a chair and my mom tried to protect me. It hit my legs, but also wounded my soul until today (I did not know it until recent triggers). I remember having dreams of myself at the corner of the ceiling looking down at my mom, when my dad was serving prison terms for escaping the army. I realised, that it was nothing spiritual, but more of disassociation.
When I was 5-7, I was bullied and outcasted in school, and I was always low in self esteem, because of depression (that I did not know about). My parents then had a bit of separation because they both had outside affairs. I felt like a child that nobody wanted. I followed my mom and had to call another stranger 'daddy'. Then our family got back together through quarrels and violence. I was confused, and I had two other sisters whom I thought I would be able to live with for the rest of my life, taken away.
When I was 7-15, I never felt close to my father. In fact, there was just violence, threats of taking my life away whenever I wanted to discuss something. My mind wanted to escape to the forest, to a place where I can just lay there and never come back.
16. I wanted to finally take my life, but I asked God for help. And that was when I became a Christian when He answered me on the window sills before I jumped down.
When I was 15-19, I don't remember my father ever trying to care much about family time. He didn't ask how I was doing in school, he didn't talk to me about anything in life. Only violence and anger, and using knife to threaten to kill my mom and me, taking glassware and throwing it on the floor.
When I was 21, God challenged me to forgive my father. I tried to. It still hurts.
Today, I just came back from serving in a humanitarian org for abused children from hill villages and I got my own PTSD and depression triggered by an angry boss. I am seeking counselling back in my home country, and I feel like.... disappearing, because I lost interest in life. I feel like I want to talk to my therapist for 24 hours until my depression and problems are gone. My father is still here, but I don't think I trust him at all. I am stuck in my room, not having any interest in life. I want to find a job, be normal like all the other friends around me. I want to be free.
I can't talk to my mother. She replies with "that is life, I don't see how it can affect you so much, your father only hit you once."
Someone, anyone, who has broke free of themselves, please let me know. I want some good news.
Last edited:
