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Sexual Assault I Was Abused And Molested Several Times.

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anonymousperson

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I am 14 years old, and I've arguably experienced almost all types of abuse as a child. A little background: my mother and sisters were mean to me, though they could be nice. Yes, there were times when I behaved badly, but I was only reciprocating. I used the past tense because I try to avoid talking to them now.
I remember being choked by my eldest sister, she would leave marks on my neck, and all times, with no exception, when there was some sort of argument, my mother would not do anything to avoid it from happening again. She would always complain about how we wore her down.
She used to spank me. She also neglected our feelings by ignoring them, she never asked herself why we argued a lot. Once, I was very little and, I don't know why, she said something that translates to something like: "Screw you!".
As if those things were not enough, she molested me 3 years ago, not in a sexual way though. We were having an argument and were both furious, I don't remember why, then she touched my penis and questioned me about my masculinity. It was nothing sexual, but she humiliated me. I didn't know how bad it was so I didn't contest her. By the way, I never had a sex talk and she never taught me about sexual assault.
Conversely, my mother is a very hard-working woman, can be nice and lovely, and claims to love me, but I cannot simply forget the bad things she did.
My uncle 'molested' me once, too. He walked past me, touched my groin and made a noise seemingly mocking. I got a little pissed about that, nevertheless, kept it inside. Remember, I was never told that no one can touch in a way that makes you uncomfortable.
There were two other times: One happened 2-2.5 years ago, a boy was behind me and sorted of thrusted and rubbed his pelvis against my butt. The other occurred 1.5 year ago, another boy, who bullied me, held a plastic bottle near his groin, as if it were his penis, and kind of molested me for a couple seconds.
During all those times, I remained stoical and no one knows. I've fully recovered from those things on my own. I don't rely on anyone. I wonder if those events were beneficial after all,I think so, I became stronger and cold. I need to wait years to find out, but, there's something I do know, that is the price you pay for not educating yourself and being weak enough to let people do that to you.
 
As if those things were not enough, she molested me 3 years ago, not in a sexual way though.

I'm sorry you've had to go through so much, but I think it's really important for you to understand that everything you described was in fact done 'in a sexual way' and is completely not okay or your fault. If you have any way of reaching out to a professional, be it a school counselor or otherwise, make that a top priority for your mental well being.
 
there's something I do know, that is the price you pay for not educating yourself and being weak enough to let people do that to you.

There is nothing about ANY abuse of any kind that is about the victim being weak. There is a saying "crying isn't a sign of weakness but a sign of someone being too strong for too long". It takes stregnth to survive trauma! Weakness doesn't cause it and stregnth allows you to survive.

I'm sorry about what happened in all counts! I know about mom's touching you (and then some) so I understand how hurtful that is. My therapist says it may be more hurtful then a dad (not to compare) as it's the one person that is supposed to protect you.

Anyway, :hug:s!

ETA: You're 14. Are you still in custody of your mom? Do you still live with her? Just worried about your saftey is all.
 
I am so sorry that no one ever taught you about the right to autonomy over your own body or what inappropriate touching was. There is no way to know that we don't know about something until we have heard about it.Those are very difficult experiences to keep bottled inside. It was very brave of you to share.

I am very concerned about your safety as well.
 
You have the vocabulary and maturity of one much older than 14. I don't doubt the authenticity of what you say one bit, but your style and wisdom would indicate one of greater age than 14.
There is a price for not educating yourself, if that be the case, but more often than not we can not learn faster than our own personal learning curve allows; and we must accept ourselves for that fact - and not place blame upon ourselves for not being superhuman. We are merely human, and can only learn through experience - at our own pace, not an easy task when the environment is harsh - so forgive yourself. Nor do you, nor did you, indicate any weakness. That which does not destroy us makes us stronger. And you certainly, age 14 (or older), have gained wisdom and insights which may guide you through safer paths throughout the rest of your life and grant you gifts and tools of understanding and teaching that can enrich your life and the lives of others who have been hurt.
First and foremost though, "To Thine Own Self Be True."
Learn to have compassion for yourself, make sure to establish the strong self esteem that you deserve. Take time to enjoy the things in life that age 14 should bring. And understand, no one ever has the right to harass or abuse you. Or try to convince you that they do. If you choose the path of strength, then what has happened can be viewed as a benefit. Its just a shame that it's a benefit attained through distress.
As for navigating the landscape until you are of legal age, find access to legal safe havens - therapists, doctors, police, trusted relatives ( all often ineffective sorry to say), have escape routes planned, and document if things get too rough.
Thank you for posting. You show a lot of strength. Keep strong. We're always here.
 
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I'm sorry you've had to go through so much, but I think it's really important for you to understand that e...

It's not the kind of molestation that you are used to, when it is erotic. What my uncle and my mother did, was not erotic. But rather to humiliate/mock me. The other 2 times, were also done to humiliate me, but in a sexual way. And I felt more uncomfortable when done sexually. But it was my fault for not speaking up and defending myself, especially when it repeated.
 
I don't actually feel any traumas.

You don't have to feel it (you likely numbed yourself to cope with emotions you didn't have the abilty to cope with yet. Also, its easier to survive if we numb away whats happening) fot it to be wrong.

It's not the kind of molestation that you are used to

But it is still molestation, abuse, and wrong.

But it was my fault for not speaking up

No. It is NEVER your fault as you are a child and do not have the mind of an adult yet. Basically adults know better, kids do not. The part of your brain that can see a consequence for a behavior doesn't even finish growing until you are in your early 20s. You cannot be held responsible for actions of adults! You cannot be held responsible for actions of others in general!

I do understand that it feels like your fault and I carried blame all the way up to last Jan (age 34) so I totally get it. And you may not be able to hear this at the moment but the truth is that this is no where near your fault. It is your mother's, your uncle's, the other boy's, anyone that abused you in any way! It is their fault! Not yours!
 
It was NOT my fault for being abused, but it was partially for LETTING people do that to me, several times.
And what is even weirder, is the fact that, I think all those things were actually beneficial after all, I became a strong person.
 
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