Childhood I was an anxious and angry kid, and that made me a target for abuse.

[Justmehere]

I can’t quite sort out the guilt and shame I feel from being a kid that struggled with anxiety and anger at home (never at school or while living at friends’ homes), and the domestic violence and trauma that was perpetrated by my father in response to my anxiety and anger. I was an intense anxious and angry kid. My battle with myself, and my struggle to learn to regulate as a kid, totally set off my father. My therapist and others tell me a million times his actions were not my fault, but I can’t seem to settle it.

By the time I reached high school I had two dissociative fuge episodes. I also had an injured wrist from my father pushing me into a cabinet for being angry at him. (I never pushed back.) The orthopedist required seeing a counselor. Counselor eventually told me I had PTSD and had been growing up in a war zone. I didn’t tell him of the domestic violence by my father. Therapist just kept seeing the symptoms for months and talked to family. (My father’s rage and temper was/is well known.)

My extended family says I caused the war zone by being an intense kid. They still say this. Therapists and family friends say they are scapegoating me. It wasn’t my fault.

I was a failure to thrive toddler, which ended when I was put into preschool. Therapist told me emotionally neglected kids and babies rage so that they get a response, any response, so they don’t die from failure to thrive.

This stirs up even more guilt and shame. Now my daring therapist wants me to let her in on the anger more and work this through with me. I keep trying to convince her I was a terrible kid. I never got in trouble at school or anywhere else, and my family took that as a sign that I was intentionally setting my father off. How did I get in trouble at home? By crying and being upset and angry, and sometimes yelling. And sometimes very little things like loading the dishwasher wrong or not stacking the dishes correctly. But I would get so anxious and so stressed out and mad over little things too. And big. I was most of all mad at my father. For anything. For his rage and violence too.

I’m not sure how to sort this out.

Anyone else struggle with this? Any thoughts?

 

[littleoc]

Yes, I do understand. I don't fully know how to settle it though.

Hearing my mom say that I wasn't a bad kid helped, but my dad would agree I was a bad kid. Maybe you should focus on how good you were at school -- you know your family is scapegoating already, so next you should realize that you were a good kid in other contexts. Yeah, sure, your dad reacted to your rage. But that's not the same thing as him having a problem he clearly wasn't addressing. You even said he was known already as someone who rages. That's the thing to focus on here.

 

[Rumors]

Very sorry... I don't have advice but I can relate.

 

[Freida]

My extended family says I caused the war zone by being an intense kid. They still say this. Therapists and family friends say they are scapegoating me. It wasn’t my fault.

I'm gonna have to go with professionals /friends on this. Even if you were a huge pain in the ass child..you were a CHILD! It's up to the adults in the world to figure out how they are going to deal with your challenges - not blame you for them. That's just wrong. It's like you had two huge issues going on -- first learning how to cope with your own emotions all by yourself and then being let down by the people (parents) that were supposed to help you. No child should have to face that kind of stuff - especially on their own...

 

[Lionheart]

@Justmehere ,

I was in a similar situation in which I blamed myself for being a target for abuse. I was abused multiple times by multiple perpetrators. This is what happened for me and this may not suit your situation, I can't say...but for me, if I blamed myself I didn't have to admit how badly I was treated by others,...which shielded me from the deeper pain of having been abused. Just my experience and something to think about...

However it works out, I hope you are finally able to let go of the blame and shame.. Anxiousness and anger does not give anyone the right to abuse or mistreat you!

Wishing you all the best,
Lionheart777

 

[Justmehere]

It is hard to write it off as being a kid... what about when I was 16? I mean of course no action of mine makes abuse ok, but what idiot goes and pisses off a known abusers? Why couldn’t I just stuff it? And stay safe. Like my brother. I never had panic attacks at school or with friends, never got angry at school or with friends.... at 3 or 4, ok I can see why it was hard to do at home. But 16, I should have been able to maintain that at home too where it was the least safe to fall apart. I’m not responsible for his actions but I am responsible for going up and poking the bear. Am I not?

It’s especially hard because... well I have PTSD. It’s taken a lot of work to manage anxiety and anger. I manage it. It’s never gone away. I’m still mad. I’m still legitimately not enough to have a new family of my own. No one wants this mess that is me.

 

[jmad]

I can relate. I also, growing up, 'provoked' my father and brother into beating me. I remember once getting angry and punching a window, cracking it. Boy did I get it that day.

I don't think this is about control. Much like you, I rarely acted out outside the home. Something about this being home, being with my caregivers that made it almost like some sort of...primal drama that escaped my understanding. All I could come up with, is that, deep down, I felt I deserved the treatment.

Have compassion for yourself. We are only human, and we weren't meant to be treated that way.

 

[Justmehere]

I remember once getting angry and punching a window, cracking it.

I remember one time slamming a door that had a mirror on the other side. Mirror broke. I flipped out over the broken mirror and what I had done. Father screamed and yelled and....

I did break the mirror. My fault. I slammed the door. I was throwing a teenage tantrum. But screaming back at me? Hitting me? Who the heck was going to be the calm boundaries adult? No one in my family. So why blame the teenager?! That seems like the stupidest plan. Let’s put it on the hormonal teenager to keep peace?

I’m really conflicted right now - wavering between angry at myself and angry at them - because a friend of mine is struggling with her son, who is angry and anxious and described all they are doing to help him... all good things... and I’m stunned, just stunned, that a family would go so far. I would go that far but I’m me. To see another family do so much to help their kid....

Did my one family try? I don’t know. Maybe? I don’t remember.

I remember things like being shamed by my extended family member who was a doctor for complaining about stomach aches that I had from anxiety. He told me I was an anxious kid. Uh yeah dude. He also told me don’t make your father mad. That was his entire intervention. Totally screwed me up about doctors and myself.

I’ve mentored teenagers in foster care with behavior problems and trauma histories. I’d tell them, “It’s ok to be angry. It’s not ok to throw things. Let’s talk about what you are angry about....” and then we’d talk it through and talk through skills to manage. But I only know that because of my own therapy. Both my parents are trauma survivors. They had it so much worse.

But why didn’t they try to get help? I mean all they did was get other family members involved who did nothing but blame me and tell me to not provoke him. What about my father getting help?!

Now I’m adult and it’s totally on me to manage me. But as a kid, I remember being so anxious he would rage it almost seemed better if the feared threat just happened? I remember having nightmares about the invisible threat and how it was almost easier if it was visible. Instead of fearing a bear would come out of nowhere, I’d just walk up and poke it. It’s hard to not feel guilty about doing that. I keep hearing all the stupid stuff my family said to not provoke my father.

It’s so hard to let go of the act that I did poke the bear. Then I watch my friend do so much to help her son... and my mind is blown.

I’m so conflicted and want to settle this in my head.

 

[shimmerz]

Why couldn’t I just stuff it?

Because a lot of these types thrive on reactions to their abuse. I tried a million times to get out of the way, but the abuse was relentless. Like the abuser needed it in order to feel alive.

 

[Freida]

It’s so hard to let go of the act that I did poke the bear. Then I watch my friend do so much to help her son... and my mind is blown.

You poked the bear???" yea....NO!!!!! You were in a violent home and never knew where the next threat was -- and you were a child. so you coped the best way you could. And yes -- 16 is still a child. They may think they are all grown - but no. Teenagers are still children. They still need guidance and love --- even more than younger kids because they have all those hormones and angsty stuff that comes with a being a teenager. Instead you had a home where you never felt safe. You never learned how to manage those emotions because the people who should have taught you how not only left you on your own but they made it worse.

My 10 year old niece has horrible anxiety. No abuse history - it's just how she's wired. She is a great kid who can be a huge pain in the ass because of her massive temper tantrums. So she goes to therapy to learn how to control her emotions and her mom goes to therapy to learn how to deal with her and then passes that on to the rest of us. Are we perfect? Hell no - I've been known to scream back at her on occasion when she's been on my last nerve. Then later we sit down and talk about it. What caused that tantrum, what caused me to yell at her, what we will do next time instead, and reassurances that she is loved even with her issues. We are working as a family to help her. Because that is how it is supposed to work.

It breaks my heart that you didn't have that --- but in NO WAY were you to ever blame for how you were treated or how you responded. Because you responded like you had been taught to by those around you. How do you express anger? Rage and scream and break things --- like you were taught. And I love that you know that's not how it should work and are working with teens to help them break the cycle.

 

[littleoc]

what about when I was 16?

Teenagers, especial male teenagers, often act out when they're depressed. Look it up! It's in the brain structure of teens. Seriously. My little brother had a similar problem, and it terrified me because anger of others is one of my major triggers.

But hey, I recognize now that unlike an abuser, he wasn't trying to hurt me, or anyone. He was hurting. It's not the same as being bad. He just needed help, needed someone to love him and believe for once that he had been through shit.

I don't blame him. He's trying his hardest now, and that's good enough.

 

[Rumors]

@Justmehere
Sometimes I poked the bear bc it was attention and sometimes I poked the bear so that he wouldn't hit on my mom or brother. Everything I did served a purpose, filled a need, or garnered a response that was needed. However, that doesn't mean I was responsible for my dad's response and beating me or whipping me with a belt buckle.
Even at 16, I wanted my dad to wrap his arms around me and tell me it was ok and that no matter what I did he still loved me...just one time. Instead I was always met with disappointment and anger and his words always hurt worse than him hitting me. As he has gotten older I have come to realize how pathetic he is and been able to get a grip on what responsibility I need to take in my behavior growing up which is a resounding zero. I was a child. It was up to my parents to model, teach, and mould me into a secure adult. Instead they withheld love and ridiculed me if I wasn't perfect. I NEVER felt good enough...EVER...so, I gave them reason by acting out. Not to sound cheesy, but it was a cry for help. Actually it was a scream for help, but was never met with the response I so desperately needed to feel secure. As a parent, I can tell you that I remind my kid all the time that I may not like what he does sometimes but I always love him. He will never spend a second on this earth thinking that I don't love him to the moon and back infinity times even when he is bad. Don't let your dad have one more second in your head of blame, guilt and shame. It was up to him to model good behavior and give you the tools to be secure and healthy and HE FAILED...not you...HE DID. That was HIS job and he sucked at it.
Think of it this way, when you started algebra class did you know immediately how to do the math? No, you had to be taught. Guess what? Life is the same way. We depend on our parents to teach us skills to become full and healthy adults. You didn't get that bc your douchbag dad decided to use his power to blame you and shame you for everything. I hope you can find the answers that you need to find some peace. I hate that you find yourself thinking you were responsible for any of this. Hang in there!