I Was So Scared

[Toriplays]

I was talking to my T about fear yesterday. I was sharing that when my dad flew into his rages. I was frozen in fear. I literally could not move. Yet, it wasn't enough to stick a knife in me he twisted it.
I told her that every time he did this I really thought he was going to kill me. I was always in fear of what he was capable of. I remember telling myself...he could kill you. She was taken aback. She asked to explain more. So, this is not a common feeling? If a parent rages at you. He could end my life. There was no doubt in my mind that he could have easily killed me. His rage had no limits. I told her how he would hit me in the head so hard I would see stars. A punch in the stomach that would knock the wind out of me. Yet, it wasn't a beating. It was one calculated blow. I then started defending him to my T. Well, he obviously had PTSD himself. He had a very abusive childhood...much worse than mine. She stopped me in my tracks. The T said wait a minute. I really don't care about what he went through. I want to hear about what you went through. That was tough. All these feelings bubbled up to the surface.
Yet, my early childhood years being spent in a series of foster homes with my brother helped. I developed an attachment disorder. I never bonded with my abusers. My step-mother was also abusive towards me. I wonder if my stoicism made me an easy target. I wonder if they knew I didn't care about them. I never missed them or enjoyed spending time with them. Once I turned 18 I left.
Sigh....so much to process.
If anyone can relate to that level of fear I would love for you to share.

 

[watundah]

You were very brave to share all of that. I hope your T can help you find peace.

 

[Suzetig]

I can so relate to that, my dads rage was incredible when we were small, I regularly feared for my life. As an adult looking back I have no idea how one of us didn't end up dead still, such was his level of anger and violence. I was literally beaten unconscious on occasion and fear is my go to place now if I think I've made a mistake or annoyed someone.

It's an awful thing to try and find a way through.

 

[Toriplays]

I can so relate to that, my dads rage was incredible when we were small, I regularly feared for my life...

It's strange because when you ask most people if they felt that fear they don't understand. I've had friends that have shared stories of being physically punished but never feared for their lives. I always ask if they ever felt that parent could kill them. They just give me a strange look...noooo. I can imagine how terrified you were Suzetig. Thanks for sharing that with me.

 

[Toriplays]

You were very brave to share all of that. I hope your T can help you find peace.

Thank you Watundah, I've never shared these memories with anyone before. I do feel safe here.

 

[Snowflake]

Fear-it's the first word that I tell my therapist when she ask me how I felt then and now. My fathers rages were all over. A rage could be the belt, whip etc or it could be sexual. I always thought I could die from his, and my mothers actions. I'm 50 and still struggle with fear....talking...getting punished.

 

[Deleted member 40384]

I relate to that, too. My father had a gun somewhere in the basement and I went to bed fearing that he would be pushed far enough murder me in my bedroom. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Not having that safety from the people who are supposed to protect us is devastating.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Fear-it's the first word that I tell my therapist when she ask me how I felt then and now. My fathers...

Isn't that the most horrible thing? That a child has to fear death, the worst from their own parent? To this day I still suffer from that, and I hate people that show the same irrational and irrelevant anger about crap that does not even matter. There is something wimpy, weak about a man that has to raise his voice or even yell to make himself heard. That is what makes a man look completely stupid, and nothing such a person says would be taken seriously anyways. What do they think they are achieving with behavior like that? That just looks absolutely ridiculous when they are doing that. Any man who does that is just a damn wimp.

 

[Toriplays]

Isn't that the most horrible thing? That a child has to fear death, the worst from their own par...

My dad always told me he couldn't control his anger. He would always tell me, " you think I can control this....I can't. It's not a choice for me." It's probably the reason I don't lash out at people. I've never hit or yelled at anyone. I've raised my voice at times but I've never intentionally hurt someone. I know my dad was under a lot of stress. I know he more than likely had undiagnosed PTSD. I know I reminded him of my mother. I know all this. We made peace before he passed away but still I deal with the aftermath.

I relate to that, too. My father had a gun somewhere in the basement and I went to bed fearing that he...

Absolutely terrifying

 

[Toriplays]

Fear-it's the first word that I tell my therapist when she ask me how I felt then and now. My fathers...

Snowflake, I am so sorry. You were completely brutalized. My heart goes out to you.
I struggled with the diagnosis of C-PTSD. I was hit a lot...probably daily but I wasn't beaten or hit with objects. I didn't feel like I had PTSD. The verbal abuse was bad. I argued with my therapist and she said you don't get it do you? She said it's the fear. She cracks me up because she drops the F bomb all the time. She's pissed. She said everytime that happened to you your fight or flight or freeze instincts kicked in. Your adrenaline was spiked. Cortisol highjacked your body. She said essentially you went through the same fear a rabbit goes through being chased by a wolf. Also, it was frequent and you couldn't get away. She also said you are constantly being triggered you were just unaware of it until now. Damn... I don't know. I explained to her that I was seeing her to help me with my depression. She shook her head and laughed. She's a tough cookie but I like her. I like how honest she is. It seems like a strong label. It feels severe. I often feel others on this board have suffered much more than me. My eyes water everytime I read everyone's story. I wish I could wrap up everyone in a soft warm blanket and bring them home with me.