Childhood I Wasn't Crazy—They Just Needed Me to Believe I Was

[deno]

For years, I thought something was wrong with me. No matter what I did, it was never enough. My family dismissed me, my professional circle turned on me, and people I trusted walked away without looking back. I was left questioning everything—was I difficult? Was I broken? Was I just imagining things?

Then I saw the pattern. The gaslighting, the scapegoating, the mobbing—it was all by design. The people who erased me needed me to believe I was the problem because it kept the spotlight off of them.

When I finally saw the truth, it was like stepping out of a fog. But clarity doesn’t erase the pain, it just helps you understand it. I lost my family, my career was sabotaged, and my name was dragged through the mud. The worst part? The ones who orchestrated it all walked away without consequences.

But here’s what they didn’t expect: I’m still here. And I see everything now.

If you’ve ever been made to doubt your own reality—if you’ve ever been the family scapegoat, the workplace target, or the one everyone “mysteriously” turned against—I want you to know it wasn’t you. It never was.

How did you first realize you weren’t the problem? Let’s talk.

 

[arfie]

i am the 5th of 11 siblings. a family that big can support far more of the dysfunctional family roles. i was, "the family savior." it was my job to save the family from itself. that job is not one lick more glamorous than any of the other dysfunctional family roles. i don't believe we had a single scapegoat. we each took turns being the source of all evil. my turn came each and every time i failed to save the family from itself. the family caretakers were scapegoated when they failed to have dinner on the table on time and in fashion. the golden child was scapegoated every time she failed to be perfect. etc., etc.

i kinda feel like "crazy" is the natural result of such family dynamics. personally, i'm okay with crazy. crazy people can be more interesting and we live in a culture where crazy is proof that you are paying attention. the whole freaking world is crazy. ya gotta be at least a little bit crazy to fit in. my goal is, "functional." just being able to do what needs doing with fair grace and compassion, starting with realistic expectations. nobody can save me from myself.

 

[Rose White]

Relate very much to the title. I only was able to realize I wasn’t the problem with help from a good therapist.

 

[deno]

i am the 5th of 11 siblings. a family that big can support far more of the dysfunctional family roles. i was, "the family savior." it was my job to save the family from itself. that job is not one lick more glamorous than any of the other dysfunctional family roles. i don't believe we had a single scapegoat. we each took turns being the source of all evil. my turn came each and every time i failed to save the family from itself. the family caretakers were scapegoated when they failed to have dinner on the table on time and in fashion. the golden child was scapegoated every time she failed to be perfect. etc., etc.

i kinda feel like "crazy" is the natural result of such family dynamics. personally, i'm okay with crazy. crazy people can be more interesting and we live in a culture where crazy is proof that you are paying attention. the whole freaking world is crazy. ya gotta be at least a little bit crazy to fit in. my goal is, "functional." just being able to do what needs doing with fair grace and compassion, starting with realistic expectations. nobody can save me from myself.

The family savior"—that one hits hard. My family had clear-cut roles too, but I see now that I was the scapegoat, even though for years, I thought I was just trying to keep things together. I can relate to what you said about crazy being a result of family dynamics. In my experience, the dysfunction runs so deep that by the time you start to figure it out, you’ve already spent years in survival mode. For me, therapy was the only way to see the patterns for what they were. Have you found that stepping back from your family roles has helped you define what ‘functional’ looks like for you?

Relate very much to the title. I only was able to realize I wasn’t the problem with help from a good therapist.

Same here. I spent years believing I was the problem because that’s what I was conditioned to believe. Therapy was the game-changer, but even then, it took time to really accept that I wasn’t imagining things. The hardest part was seeing how much was orchestrated against me—intentionally or not. Have you found that realizing the truth gave you relief, or did it make the grief hit harder at first?

My patterns repeated outside of the family. I spent a long time untangling my family’s dysfunction—seeing the roles, the scapegoating, the manipulation. But what I didn’t expect was seeing those same patterns repeat in my professional life. It took years before I realized the people who mobbed me in my industry mirrored the dynamics I grew up with. The same tactics, different faces.

Has anyone else experienced this? Where you thought you had stepped away from the toxicity, only to find yourself dealing with the same kind of people in a different setting?

For me, the realization was both validating and deeply unsettling. It made me wonder—was I drawn to these environments, or were these people drawn to me? And once you see it, how do you stop it from happening again? I would love to hear if others have been through this.

 

[Rose White]

by the time you start to figure it out, you’ve already spent years in survival mode.

Was my experience too

Have you found that realizing the truth gave you relief, or did it make the grief hit harder at first?

Both. I was in deep shock and couldn’t function for a long time, developed severe addictions and eating disorder but got through all that. Relief came in tiny increments. Slowly slowly building to where I could stand and look around, make friends, etc.

only to find yourself dealing with the same kind of people in a different setting?

All the freaking time . I mostly got to where I could discern well enough with friends but with partner type relationships?

was I drawn to these environments, or were these people drawn to me?

This keeps happening! I keep thinking I’ve learned and escaped old patterns and then find I’ve moved millimeters away from past dynamics. It’s maddening.

And once you see it, how do you stop it from happening again?

Sometimes it takes weeks or months to find out. Which is still better than years or decades—but still very frustrating and difficult! My old T said there is no easy or perfect playbook for figuring this stuff out and there’s a lot of emotional roller coasters. That that’s just how it is. The difference is now being able to *feel* the feelings instead of dissociating or numbing or fleeing and also being able to face the person and express my feelings and thoughts—still hard but can do or at least attempt.

Am I clumsy and making mistakes? Yes. Is it hard? Very. But *doing it* is a sign of power not weakness, I have to remember. And is very different from how I managed before my recovery—which was trying to smooth things over me help the other person feel better no matter what with zero sense of self.

 

[deno]

I really relate to what’s been said here—especially the part about thinking you’ve learned and escaped, only to find you’ve moved just millimeters from past dynamics. That’s maddening.

For me, the biggest gut-punch moment was realizing that the same patterns from my family followed me into my professional life. I had walked away from the dysfunction, only to unknowingly invite similar people into my world. It’s like I had a target on my back without even realizing it.

Survival mode was all I knew. By the time I started figuring out what was happening, I had already lost years—sometimes decades—to bad environments, bad relationships, bad decisions.

So, I want to ask: How do you know when you're finally breaking free? Is it when you start spotting red flags earlier? When you stop over-explaining yourself to people who will never listen? When you realize you don’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore?

I’d love to hear what breaking free has looked like for others.

 

[arfie]

Have you found that stepping back from your family roles has helped you define what ‘functional’ looks like for you?

physically removing myself from the family roles only changed the names and places i was channeling my dysfunction into. same ol' me, same ol' tricks, different stage set. the relief came with learning how to emotionally detach from my own strictly personals (no blame gaming) far enough that i could see the patterns and develop more effective coping strategies.

I’d love to hear what breaking free has looked like for others.

more and more i i don't believe there is a cure for the common me. what i was when i was young, i am more so now that i am older. my freedom has come in the form of learning how to love, respect and nurture myself, just the way i am. i don't have to reinvent myself. i need only gently and compassionately learn from the life which is mine to live while leaving space for others to do likewise.

be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

 

[deno]

I really relate to what you said about physically stepping away not being enough. That was a huge realization for me too. I thought if I just removed myself, I’d break free, but the patterns were still running in the background. It wasn’t until I started emotionally detaching that I could see just how deep those patterns ran.

For me, the hardest part was recognizing how much I had internalized my family’s dysfunction—how much of my thinking, reacting, and even self-perception was shaped by roles I never agreed to play. Did you find that detaching emotionally got easier over time? What helped you most in breaking those old patterns and creating space for self-respect and nurturing?

 

[Rose White]

Did you find that detaching emotionally got easier over time? What helped you most in breaking those old patterns and creating space for self-respect and nurturing?

Yes it did get easier over time. I think cultivating self-acceptance and seeking relationships with people who were authentic and caring helped the most in breaking old patterns.

 

[deno]

Emotional detachment is a process, and it’s not about flipping a switch but rather rewiring how we engage with people and situations. For me, self-acceptance has been a slow but necessary shift. At first, I focused so much on figuring out why things happened the way they did—why I was targeted, why people turned against me, why my family operated in such a destructive way. But the deeper I went, the more I realized that I had to stop waiting for answers or justice and start accepting myself as I am, separate from all of that.

Breaking free from old patterns required unlearning a lot of things. I had to stop seeing myself through the lens of people who never really saw me. I had to stop internalizing their judgments and instead recognize my value. It took time, but I learned that I don’t have to prove anything to people committed to misunderstanding me.

Surrounding myself with people who are authentic and genuinely supportive has been a huge part of this. It doesn’t mean I suddenly have a perfect support system, but I’ve learned to be more selective. I no longer chase relationships that require me to shrink myself or justify my existence.

What about you? Have you found any specific practices or mindsets that have helped you stay grounded in your truth while detaching from harmful dynamics?

 

[Rose White]

I had to stop seeing myself through the lens of people who never really saw me.

This is good, resonates with me.

I don’t have to prove anything to people committed to misunderstanding me.

And this too—I can think about a specific profesional relationship where I feel neutral and detached from that person, no matter what shit or confetti they throw at me—it’s expected.

Have you found any specific practices or mindsets that have helped you stay grounded in your truth while detaching from harmful dynamics?

That’s a big and important question! Been thinking a lot lately about how do I hold onto my self. It is a work in progress and it is difficult!

I can’t get pulled into fantasies about death or running away. If I’m in that mode I’m already way too far gone and it will take a longer time (with lots of showers, naps, and distractions) to get me out.

I have to name and feel the feelings. I have to reach out to as many people as I feel necessary—usually a mix of in person, texting local friends. online, long-distance. Connection with people where we care about each other is critical for me to hold onto to my sense of self. When I reach those people I have to ask if it’s okay to share my feelings and thoughts then do it. I have to be curious and uncertain about a resolution not certain and future-tripping.

Short term grounding techniques when I can’t reach anyone are loud music in headphones, coloring and drawing abstract whatever my hands and mind want to, walking (especially at night if possible), burning incense, cleaning, napping, tea, and so on.

 

[deno]

Rose, this really hits home...especially the way you describe staying grounded as both a work in progress and something deeply intentional. The part about not getting pulled into fantasies of death or running away really stood out to me. That level of self-awareness is huge. It makes so much sense that when those thoughts creep in, it’s a signal that you’re already too far gone and need to re-center. I relate to that a lot.

I also appreciate how much you emphasize connection—not just as something nice to have but as a real survival strategy. Reaching out to multiple people, in different ways, depending on what you need in the moment—that’s a powerful approach. I think a lot of people (myself included) struggle with reaching out, whether because of past disappointments, fear of being a burden, or just exhaustion. But you’re right, connection helps hold onto a sense of self.

And your grounding techniques? I love how they focus on engaging the senses and just letting your hands and mind do whatever they need to do. Loud music, walking at night, incense, cleaning—simple things, but they keep you present. It makes me think about what I instinctively turn to when I feel ungrounded, and whether I’ve been intentional about making space for those things.

Curious...do you ever find that certain grounding techniques work better depending on the type of distress? Like, do some help more with anxiety, while others work better when feeling emotionally shut down?