Sexual Assault I Wasn't Sexually Abused But I Felt Like I Was

[lyratheowl]

I'm really sorry for this thread but I don't know where else to discuss this. Basically I was traumatised by overhearing a creepy scary man having conceptual sex with an 18 year old girl who I thought seemed normal at first. I heard his loud shrieks like an animal. After that I feel like I developed PTSD symptoms and I even looked up how to get over being sexually assaulted because I knew i wasn't sexually abused and obviously that would have been way way worse that I can't even imagine! But I just felt like the symptoms I was experiencing would somehow fit that and it when I read symptoms of being sexually abused it did fit almost exactly. I feel ashamed that I felt that way when people have actually been sexually assaulted and i hadn't. I know a lot of people who see it as trivial and that is the reaction I have gotten from a lot of people. But the way I felt was real.

It happened when I was living with my boyfriend in this horrible shared accommodation in the city where anyone could move in at any time as it was run by this dodgy agency on a first come first serve basis. It was kind of like a step up from living in the streets or a dodgy squat or something. It was a flat share and the whole place was pretty horrible with stairs and lift in the main building smelling of human toilet. But the worst was certain people one of whom was this man. He never did anything to anyone except he would randomly shout at people ordering them about for no reason other than to prove he was invincible apparently and whenever he spoke about anything he would shout. He was just really weird, creepy and scared me. I got a bad feeling whenever he was around and it would send shivers down my spine one time when I accidentally looked him in the eye. I was living there because I had to move out my place (which was of course a lot nicer) and then the place I was meant to be moving in to I found out I had been messed around I couldn't move on on moving day by which time I'd left the old place and had nowhere to go. So I ended up moving in with my boyfriend and being in denial about how horrible it was. If I wasn't with him I never would have wanted to set foot in that place but I was so crazy in love with him that I convinced myself that everything he thought was okay, was okay. Even though I knew it wasn't. I just wanted to go along with whatever he wanted. He didn't have to be living there either as the rent was the same as lots of nice normal house shares but I think he was in denial and had low esteem about being rejected by the normal housemates on house viewings. So after I overheard the man having sex and was traumatised I suddenly realised how bad it all was. My boyfriend was also affected by what he heard and hated it also didn't suffer trauma like I did and he also agreed it was bad and finally said he definitely wanted to move out as he hated it too. Then I was desperately spending all my free time looking for somewhere to move out. i was looking for just me and places for both of us. He however wouldn't look and kept making excuses. That just made it worse for me as I just wanted to save us both and just get out. He also kept talking about things to do with the man and kept giving me new information. I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn't and said he couldn't help it. My boyfriend was also an alcoholic at the time and one time he left me locked out when I came back from work so I had to get the night bus back to the office and sleep there. It was totally my fault for moving in there in the first place but once my boyfriend knew I was being traumatised he did nothing to help me and kept making it worse. Also, looking back I should have moved into a youth hostel temporarily but my state of mind was so messed up that I was scared that something similar or worse would happen at the hostel and also my boyfriend didn't want to move to a hotel so I took that as more evidence that something worse might happen. Now I realise that I was being irrational because of the trauma and the hostel would have been better for me. But at the time I felt that wasn't an option. Anyway, since we moved finally both out. him after many months of denial etc. which made it harder for me to get over it even once I'd moved out. It took a couple of months for me to move out too as it is a big city and difficult to find somewhere normal as they have to choose you as a housemate. So since moving out of there I had been going back and forth in mind trying not to associate my boyfriend with the trauma and trying to think he didn't do anything wrong. But I kept harbouring resentment towards him and getting very hyper vigilant around him and anxious as I was scared something bad would happen and he would just make it worse. Hardly anyone I've spoken to seems to understand though. As everyone thinks what I was traumatised by was trivial. It had such an effect on me. It even lead a couple of people to believe that I was abusing him to try and control him to move out and then overreacting and blaming him for a part in it. Obviously I mainly blamed myself for being so stupid not have any boundaries and move in there in the first place etc. But it did make me lose my trust for him after he made it go on for longer and made it worse when he knew I was being traumatised. I don't know how to think honestly I keep going back and forth in my mind and no one understands it.

 

[Silver.]

Are you still with your boyfriend? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't take your fears seriously? Who didn't help you when you needed it and made it worse? Who went through months of not want a better life for himself and is okay with that living situation and okay with you being in it? (I think one would deserve better than this kind of behaviour/treatment)
You did the right thing by moving out, but I suggest you get a therapist to help you sort through all of this and get you proper diagnosis as I don't see that you mentioned you had one, nor a doctor that has diagnosed you, sometimes a diagnosis is a great thing, because it gives us a sense of direction.
take care

 

[joeylittle]

Hi, lyratheowl - it sounds like you had a scary experience. The good news is, you very likely didn't develop PTSD from it. It sounds like there was a lot of stress in your life, and overhearing the sex just kind of pushed you past your ability to cope.

This article here: Post-Traumatic Stress DIsorder, will give you a good overview of what PTSD is, and how one can develop it. You may have had a traumatic experience in the past that actually does qualify you for a PTSD diagnosis, and this incident in the flat is what set it off.

Regardless, I hope you are getting yourself into a living situation that you can feel better about.

 

[lyratheowl]

Are you still with your boyfriend? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't take your fears se...

Thank you for your reply. We were together for over a year after we moved from that place. We eventually moved in together to our place as well. He broke up with me recently and left because of the way I was still acting from fear and making life difficult for him. A lot of people I've told about what happened don't understand or think he did anything wrong or believe me that I could have been traumatised by that. Why is that? Is it because what happened is not considered traumatic enough by most people? Or is it that even is something which is considered traumatic enough happened then they'd still think he didn't do anything wrong? I think that people think that nothing bad happened and also that he wasn't holding me against my will obviously and that we are two separate people. So they don't understand or think it was bad. So then I have to believe that how I felt was wrong. I am so confused.

 

[lyratheowl]

Hi, lyratheowl - it sounds like you had a scary experience. The good news is, you very likely didn'...

Thank you for your reply.

I feel like the situation was out of the experience of everyday life (? for me it felt like it was anyway) however some descriptions of what experiences qualify for PTSD I can see how it doesn't fit as it wasn't life threatening. That seems to be what you're referring to?

I had strong symptoms for at least a year so I don't think it qualifies for acute stress disorder as it said the symptoms of the go in a month or a couple of months? I feel like I do fit all the criteria for PTSD that I've read apart from it seems that what happened wasn't serious enough. So that makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and it's my fault. Like other people suggest it's not serious or a problem too.

I have OCD too which was made extreme (it didn't affect my life before) by what I've described. But I feel like I had PTSD symptoms too and the OCD was connected to the event and triggered around that. So for example I felt the need to clean everything that had been in that flat. Or if I was out and a man who reminded me of the man from the flat touched me then I'd feel contaminated and would have to wash thoroughly everything that he touched. This many more similar symptoms went on for a good year. I eventually got over it enough to not let it affect me so badly. My anxiety was higher around my boyfriend though that I thought that something similar would happen again around him. I still sometimes thought of the man whilst having sex with my boyfriend but it wasn't as extreme as before and I was able to enjoy having sex again after about a year without the intrusive thoughts taking over so much that I couldn't do it. I feel

I feel so stupid and when I tell people I was traumatised by what happened it's like they don't believe me. I recently called an abuse helpline because someone suggested that my boyfriend had been emotionally abusive to me (not referring to what I'd described but other covert stuff like gaslighitng and stonewalling). I didn't really believe them but I called the helpline anyway. The women said some things sounded emotionally abusive but when I was telling the story of our relationship and what happened in the flat etc. She said that it wasn't abusive and seemed to think it wasn't a big deal or not understand. I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't know what is right.

 

[Abstract]

I can hear your confusion and you distress with this. That is a very good reason to get some therapy and help with it. You certainly deserve that, I think confusion sometimes comes from a misunderstanding of what PTSD is. It might help to know that many people who have severe things happen to them and have a lot of issues to do with experiences don't actually get PTSD. Another misconception is about flashbacks and intrusions. PTSD intrusions and the fallout is very severe. People can respond in all sorts of ways to horrible experiences. It might also help to know that the criteria have amounts per week that the person needs to be experiencing to qualify. A lot of people will feel distressed at reminders of things that have happened and have lots of behaviours after without having PTSD. Many PTSD symptoms are found in many other disorders and with people with no diagnosable disorder at all. It isn't a measure of the legitimacy of your distress to have PTSD. Have you looked at Adjustment Disorders?

I would also look at your general feelings about sex before this. Or if you have any OCD thoughts related to this, Try to think what it is about this man that disturbed you. It was overhearing sex but I think you are saying it was consensual so neither the girl or the man were in distress at all. They were just having sex. I'm not saying that to invalidate your responses but rather to try to help you work through this. It would be wrong to label this as bad as then your brain would see it as that even more.

Did you overhear sex when you were younger? Were you making assumptions about this girls feelings? Did this guy remind you of someone else? Did you have violence or aggression in your life? Many people would dislike hearing sex but it wouldn't be upsetting long term for them unless something else was going on. Thats what PTSD criterion A separates. It doesn't mean that someone can't be affected by other things but it separates why. You need to figure out why this affected you like this. It might help you to just discuss your reactions rather than fitting them into PTSD. Dig around and see what comes up for you. This doesn't mean you are bad or wrong. What is, is. Our feelings are our feelings. The important thing is to get better and in order to do that you have to figure out what is going on for you. Much support to you with this.

 

[lyratheowl]

I can hear your confusion and you distress with this. That is a very good reason to get some therapy an...

Thank you for your reply.

I have overheard other people having sex before and it didn't really bother me. It was that the man was really creepy and horrible like how I described. Even my boyfriend was affected by it and distressed and couldn't believe that the girl had sex with him. It's just that he got over it and wasn't actually traumatised. Also he didn't hear it as much as me as I was in the shower and could hear whereas he couldn't hear it in his room and only heard it briefly when he was in the hallway.

It was all I could think about basically for months afterwards. I don't know if it qualifies as PTSD but it was persistent PTSD symptoms for a year afterwards so it would qualify as extreme prolonged reaction from a traumatic event surely? Is trauma different to PTSD. Because no one understands that I could have been traumatised by that and I don't get why.

 

[lyratheowl]

I can hear your confusion and you distress with this. That is a very good reason to get some therapy an...

Oh and no I didn't have any OCD thoughts about sex before that. I didn't assume the girls feelings just that it was difficult to comprehend (for my boyfriend too) that she would have sex with that man. He didn't remind me of anyone else he was just horrible. i haven't experienced violence in my life.

 

[Abstract]

No Lyra, It cannot qualify as a cause of PTSD.

Have a look at the link that Joeylittle provided you with, Scroll right down to the end of the article where the criteria are listed out rather than the general descriptions of the criteria. Look at Criterion A. Clinical trauma fits Criterion A. Being all you could think about would definitely not fit criterion B either even if the experience fitted criterion A.

The reason people are telling you it can't be a trauma in that sense is that it was consensual sex. It wasn't trauma. No-one was harmed. No-one was harming you or your boyfriend and no one was harming the girl or the man. People having sex is normal. You found it upsetting but that was your interpretation of it. Even if he was disgusting. If you watched a disturbing film and then had very disturbing thoughts about it for 2 years later you wouldn't be able to have PTSD from it. It wouldn't be PTSD. That is not what PTSD is. Have a read of the article. If you were six years old that could be different as there are developmental and age appropriate considerations.

 

[Suzetig]

It sounds like you found overhearing the sexual episode traumatic, but that doesn't mean it was a trauma in the sense of the type needed to develop PTSD.

The D in PTSD stands for disorder, which indicates that the reaction is out of the ordinary and in some way maladaptive. Basically most people will have a reaction to trauma, post traumatic stress, which is about your body and mind using its usual coping strategies to deal with something that appears to threaten them. I can well believe on some level you felt unsafe and that your systems all reacted to that threat.

So, it's entirely possible you're experiencing some degree of post traumatic stress which you've not had treated, so hasn't really settled. There are reasons why PTSD needs a life threatening experience or some form of actual sexual assault to the individual - it's because PTSD causes changes to the brain function that are often considered permanent and lifelong. I suspect that if you saw a therapist and worked through your experience you'd see a reduction in symptoms and would move on from it, ie that it's the fact you've never addressed what you heard that is still causing you issues rather than you having developed a disordered reaction.

I hope you're able to seek treatment and find a way through how you're feeling.

 

[lyratheowl]

No Lyra, It cannot qualify as a cause of PTSD.

Have a look at the link that Joeylittle provided you w...

In my last post I was actually talking about trauma rather than PTSD. Are you saying they are the same thing? You seem to be saying it doesn't qualify as traumatic either? Are you saying that an event cannot be traumatic if there was no danger, nothing was done directly to you and the other people were not being traumatised? If that's the case then there must be something very wrong with me to be traumatised? I have looked at the link on ptsd and I can see how the event is not considered as such but my symptoms afterwards fit as I said earlier. So what does that mean for me? Am I crazy? I do think the event was 'bad' and distressing as it even was to my boyfriend but as I said I'm not trying to compare it to people on here who have suffered abuse and assault at all. So it depends on what your definition of 'bad' is? I have not described all my symptoms and I thought that it affecting you for a long time afterwards was part of the symptoms.

 

[Abstract]

I agree that talking through your feelings and what happened with a therapist would likely help you. The sad thing is that the PTSD issue is taking over from that and interfering with it happening for you. It ends up being a debate about clinical trauma. I understand needing a label for something but think you would be far better off concentrating on your feelings and the experience rather than a label that doesn't fit. And longer term looking at why it got you like that would be important too. Depending on how strong your response is. There will be a reason.

If there isn't anything relevant in your past then at a wild guess the horrible environment, general discomfort and lack of support all added to what you heard. Its no wonder you lost trust in your boyfriend. If he is being psychologically abusive to you then that would add to it too. Those are the things to discuss.