I went to sleep...

[Teasel]

When I was 11 I told Mum what was happening and she didn't believe me. I knew then I was trapped till I was 18. That was too much to bear. I can't describe the sinking feeling. Tears came out, but silently. That was the way I cried for the next 10 years.

I went to sleep. Kind of felt dull almost dead. I remember it as a painful time, being bullied, being rejected by everyone, friends neighbourhoid kids, neighbourhood adults, teachers, my family. I got into binge eating fairly extremely, Stealing compulsively till I was thankfully caught.

When I was 15 I guess I was big enough and strong enough to fight him off. I think he was as shocked as I was that I won.

A while later I started to wake up.

In little bursts mostly.

I remember making a joke and a girl laughing (I'm a good way) and being amazed. Wondering where this spark of personality had come from.

The next couple years I woke up more & more.

Then I was raped and began my first abusive relationship.

I remember every now and again I would wake up and suddenly be aware that i had not bren living for maybe many many months and I would sob and sob and sob then go back to sleep.

I don't know, haven't thought about this for a long time. Not sure why I'm posting.

It's just dissociation tho isn't it?

 

[Muted]

As I understand dissociation, yes. I can relate to this long term dissociation so much.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks @Muted x

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Bearlinda I am so sorry that it was this way for you as a kid growing up. I can relate to so much of what you shared. I think you are right and I spent my entire childhood dissociating. It is horrible to have to try to make sense of things with that going on. I think you have a lot of good personality. I read your posts all over the place because I think you are an amazing person rising above so much to have a better life for yourself.:hug:

 

[ladee]

I totally relate... I often wonder if I could gather all my 'lost' time , how many years would it add up to.... our brain knows how much we can deal with and just 'goes to sleep'.... as you say.... try not to worry about the lost time, it's gone... I joined here in complete lost time... did not remember joining until I got a notice of a post in my email.... so at least I know I did good things in my lost time too.... my heart breaks for you, and for me... that that is how we had to survive... but we are here now.... with each other... not alone in the dark anymore.... it does get better,much better... sending you lots of gentle hugs if you accept.... you are not alone...:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Teasel]

Thanks so much @Rain that's a lovely thing to say. Thanks for all the support you've shown me <3

And thanks @ladee I agree, the past is gone. Hoping to make the most of the time I have left, at least the time I'm present innit ;)

I'm so glad things are better for younger generations. At least I've an impression they are.

 

[ladee]

Things have come a long way, they do have access to things we didn't... and some of it, well, I am too old to start some of that over... what is healed is healed.... I can maintain with with the rest of it.... sending you lots of hugs.... we made it this far.... and that by itself is major, considering we didn't have a lot of the help the younger ones have.... hope they do not have to drag it out for years and years like we have....

 

[Ms Priss]

Yes, I too have so much lost time in my life. I was not aware until recently about dissociating. Well, holy smoly, that just about sums up my whole life!! Here but not here!! Guess it was a way of coping or was it merely escape. I hope the young ones can recover and save themselves years of torture. It is so good it is so much more in the open...in my day it was never spoken of even in mental health...things are better but there is a way to go...I would not wish my experiences in mental health in the 1960's on anyone...rather barbaric. I am amazed I have survived. I would very much like some peace of mind. I was never aware of how I was exacerbating everything either...playing right into it really...Wow!! I am kind of overwhelmed right now and having flashes of my whole life, but at least I have some tools to work with which is great, and at least I have a little bit of a clue what is going on...never had a clue before...knew there was something wrong but not what was wrong...PTSD...never knew. It surely is great having a place like this site where one can actually talk about it.

 

[Teasel]

I was never aware of how I was exacerbating everything either...playing right into it really...

Isn't it! I think people know a lot more now that can help people minimise the bad effects or help heal.

I do feel I lost out on learning all of that kind of thing... Anyway.

Hope you are OK @Ms Priss :-)

 

[Ms Priss]

I liked what you said about falling asleep because lately I get the feeling I am waking up from a nightmare. More like THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN HORROR SHOW!!! It actually feels more painful than the actual going through the stuff. I guess that makes sense cause it's feeling the feelings this time.

I want to adjust my thinking to it is a privilege to wake up because some people never do. Since I am a big WHY person, I am wondering why now. Those why questions make me insane because more times there is no answer and round and round my mind goes. So accepting the time is now.

I really like your style!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Teasel]

I've always loved knowing why and so on too. I always used to think that understanding sonthing was just the best thing ever.

And it is satisfying understanding things. But you're so right about why questions driving you nuts.

In the mindfull way through depression they say that it's natural for us to want to figure things out when we don't feel so good etc. But the very act of doing that means we put all our focus on things that are painful etc. Rather than accepting the bad feeling and letting it pass. And then going out to smell the roses or what have you

Also I began to cure myself of the need to understand when I thought that maybe in order to understand something you have to have experienced it. And I've no interest in experiencing being an abuser.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

In the mindfull way through depression they say that it's natural for us to want to figure things out when we don't feel so good etc. But the very act of doing that means we put all our focus on things that are painful etc. Rather than accepting the bad feeling and letting it pass. And then going out to smell the roses or what have you

Thank you so much for saying this, because I really needed to do this today and I am going to apply this to where I am at in my own life.