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I wish I could be dead already

#13
I’m really sorry you feel like this as it’s a very familiar feeling and I don’t have it anymore. I remember it and I can feel it but, it’s in the background. I suppress it I suppose and medicate it. There is plenty to be upset about. I’m old though, which I sincerely believe makes it easier. People always chide you and say, you’re not old lol. But I jumped in the car yesterday and ran and did something and I watched myself do what I had to and not panic, it’s almost a shame really, like survivor guilt. I was in fight or flight for years .

The long and short of all this is, I did a couple real serious things to get everyone to pay attention and they finally did. I don’t recommend it, and it’s not like I did it on purpose or anything but, suicide is something people would really rather avoid and or prevent. In my case I was hiding so strenuously, you couldn’t help notice.

Looking back I’m surprised nobody really stepped in. They hinted at me and tisk tisked at me, but they didn’t want to get involved. Most people have their own stuff to deal with.

So call the suicide hotlines and go to the emergency room and so on. I called those people because I didn’t want to feel suicidal and I didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t go on feeling like I was though or I figured I was going to get around to it eventually, if I didn’t try and fix me (again). The people who handle this professionally know what they are doing and will help you. You can’t be expected to do anything or help yourself If you are feeling like that. You need to get stabilized first. I hope you feel better.
 
Thread starter #14
Thank you @Mach123 , I relate a lot. Like I’m very good at pretending to be okay. The only thing that changes when I’m like this is I get really really short with people and say mean things. But I’m still usually able to go about life like normal. It’s just like walking through a cheesy soup or something. It’s so much harder.
 
#15
Yes and that’s really the thing that makes it so hard and I understand but I hope you do it. I was on that merry go round a long time, and I’d have episodes and then go back to faking it and thinking, that was pretty bad.

But what I was saying is, you have to say conclusively look, I’m not ok and the feelings that go with that which are tremendously difficult, but so what? I’m repeating what they were telling me when I was going through this.

It’s easy to fall into going back and forth like that but I don’t advise it. Again I’m really sorry and I hate to think of anyone in that position but, you said you are, like I did, and after awhile, the people I was dealing with started saying “Are you going to do something about it this time, Mr Mach?” And I did, so I get to write this now for you. I hope you do something about it this time.
 
#16
Thank you all. I’m struggling to respond to individual messages but I’m going to try but wanted to say thank you!! @Still Standing I think I know what’s causing the pain, but looking at it that way I’m going to plan things that help.

@TruthSeeker I honestly have enough saved up, my problem was finding a job. I’m going to look into some of those when I get to my new state (we’re moving in like a month). I ran my own business for 18 years but it requires people to go away and COVID took that unfortunately.

The area I live in is so ridiculously expensive, like almost as much as San Francisco. The state I’m moving to is cheap and I have friends there who are super supportive so I’m thinking move there then move out. Hitch a free ride down there haha 😂 then maybe with some space I’ll have a better relationship with my family! They’re not terrible, it’s just not a good environment for me anymore.

Thank you all! I’m going to have therapy today and another call that will help me and then hopefully I’ll be okay.
It really sounds like a lot of changes with positive potential, from acknowledging and distancing from unhealthy family, to heading towards supportive friends, a move to a more financially affordable location, some $ in the bank, and you got skills! I'm happy you can see the positive ....you are certainly in a better position with far more experience than some folks I know. Good luck with all the changes!
 
Thread starter #18
I talked to my therapist and I may up my medication dose as well just temporarily. CBD can only go so far. I’ve been avoiding THC because I think it can spike mood swings sometimes. No alcohol for me for a while.
 
Thread starter #20
@TruthSeeker it used to help me A LOT and stabilized my mood for days if I took a high enough dose. Then I was able to take a smaller dose throughout the day. But it can be a mixed bag for me, and realizing that I’m not going to get a card when I move to my next state.

I made it through today!! There were some really rough patches there but I did it and I get to sleep now. Thank you all!
 
#21
@TruthSeeker it used to help me A LOT and stabilized my mood for days if I took a high enough dose. Then I was able to take a smaller dose throughout the day. But it can be a mixed bag for me, and realizing that I’m not going to get a card when I move to my next state.

I made it through today!! There were some really rough patches there but I did it and I get to sleep now. Thank you all!
Im participating in a myptsd thread-we are consider taking a wilderness canoe-camping trip-and writing in our own story part, the thread started by Farine-You could “run into us” and hook up-we aren’t far up the river-join us on an imaginary camping trip-could be fun. You can write your own imaginary vacation w others on the trip. Kinda fun-great for creative folks who have no trouble making up a story-could help move you to better headspace. 😁
 
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