Sexual Assault I Wish I Would Have Reported My Rape

[Jo.27]

I was raped about 3 years ago. By someone I thought I knew. It pains me to even write these sentences, because I'm finding that I just don't have the strength in me to divulge what few details I do remember about what happened. Some women fight back, scream, run, cry, etc during an attack. My body's response was to black out, to not allow me to remember what that person did to me. I can remember how it started and me saying no over and over, and I can remember how it ended, and how quickly I left when I finally had the chance, but I can't remember anything in between. I couldn't even tell you how long it lasted, if it was 10 minutes or 3 hours. I do remember that the assailant did not feel he had done anything wrong. When I got back to my apartment after this happened, I tried to tell some of my roommates that I had just been raped. I guess I was looking for support, for someone to be in my corner and tell me that what happened to me was NOT ok. I needed that support in order to be able to tell the police or anyone of authority. Instead, nobody believed me. I didn't have any proof, he hadn't beaten me or left marks on me. The only evidence would have been found on a rape kit if I had had that done. But I did not, and I made myself believe that I was OK. After the first attempt of me trying to tell someone, I was too ashamed, embarassed, and terrified to tell anyone else for a really long time after that. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my Mom or my best friend until nearly a year later. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell my Dad or other family members. Now I'm married, and my husband knows what happened to me, although I don't think I could ever bring myself to share the details with him. Although I feel I've made miles of progress in terms of healing from the emotional damage of it, I know I really need to seek additional help from a therapist. I just can't bring myself to do that yet. I don't know what is holding me back from doing that. Looking back, I'd give anything to be able to report my rape and put that SOB behind bars where he belongs. It absolutely kills me to know that he is still out there, preying on other women like he did to me.

Has anyone else had a similar experience of either not being believed/supported, not reporting their rape, or blacking out during the attack? What did you do to deal with it and heal?

 

[Deleted member 31998]

Hi Jo,

This is common to endure and it sounds very much like body dissociation. Sometimes it is too traumatizing for you to have a "fight-or-flight" response to the assailant. Perhaps the perpetrator had manipulated or coerced you into submission. These possibilities do not mean that it was any less than rape. If you didn't consent, then it wasn't consensual.

I dealt with not being believed, being outed and completely ostracized by an entire town because I reported what was happening to me for many years. Even today I dissociate and will sometimes feel sick or cry post-intimacy. At this time I'm still healing and was without a counselor for just over a year. Now I'm back to seeing a counselor as much as I can. Sorry for what you're going through; just know you aren't in the wrong for your response to what happened. Everyone is different.

Take care,
Addy

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I was sexually abused, including rape, and tortured by my grandfather when I was between the ages of 10 and 16. The first day it happened, I tried to tell my parents. They not only did not believe me, but they punished me for even saying those things and told me that if my grandfather had "punished me" they were sure that I deserved it.
I stayed isolated for the rest of my life. I left home at 18 to put myself through school, and severed all ties with my family. I have never had friends. I basically have so little trust for people that I can't form friendships.
So I never tried to tell anyone again until 6 months ago when I finally started going to a therapist. I was having more and more symptoms of really bad PTSD, and when the flashbacks got out of control, I caved. The symptoms had been getting worse and worse over a two year period, and I realized that I just needed help. I wanted to talk only to a professional because I felt that a professional would believe me. I wanted to go to a male therapist because in my experience women are more judgmental of other women, and I didn't even trust a female therapist to not do that to me.
I went to the Psychology Today website under the "find a therapist" option, and narrowed the search to men in my area who specialized in trauma. The descriptions on that site are written by the therapists themselves, and so you can learn a lot about the person's personality by how they write. (Just as a bit of advice, don't choose anyone who writes about him/herself in the third person!). It took me a while to make the appointment, and it took me two appointments for me to even be able to say "I was sexually abused and tortured by my grandfather."
It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I did have to be REALLY ready for it. If you aren't ready yet, don't push yourself. Perhaps just do a little research, read up about your local therapists, and see if there is someone you feel you could connect with. Most of them will talk to you on the phone ahead of time, so you can do a little interview to get a feel for the person.
I was lucky. I ended up with a wonderful therapist on the first try. I have been going for 6 months and I know that I'm doing the right thing even though it is really hard.

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I should have said in the above post that I will be 50 later this year. So I waited nearly 40 years to tell someone, and to go to a therapist. I hope you feel ready sooner than I did, because it is helping me a lot just to have someone who believes me, and who knows what happened and actually wants to help.

 

[Jo.27]

I should have said in the above post that I will be 50 later this year. So I waited nearly 40 years to...

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am truly sorry for what happened to you--nobody deserves that! Hearing how you got help really does give me hope and comfort. Your strength is so inspiring!

 

[illusionist]

As an adult I was raped by a trusted friend....I don't think I blacked out, but blanked out and have no memory except the before and after, as you describe. Because of my childhood sexual abuse I actually take solace in the fact that I cannot remember....I've been spared the images of most of what happened...my brain has had enough to contend with.

I argued with myself about going to the police, but decided against it....I wasn't mentally strong enough, had no support......even if I had support I know the process would have affected me badly ( this was twenty odd years ago, so attitudes were different )....and I blamed myself for trusting a friendship with a man.

Yes I've felt terrible for not reporting....felt I've not protected other women, but at the end of the day we must put our own sanity first....I did what I had to do, at that time......I now see that as self care...it is so important to us, and must take priority.

Take care, and be gentle on yourself.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I'm sorry for your pain. I never reported any of mine because we get put in the stand, and we get put on trial. It hurts, but they can't touch you ever again, and your safe now, but that doesn't help.
Body/mind numbing is a natural defense mechanism. I don't physically ever remember the body feeling, but on one occasion remember the hate in those moments of being violated. But, he was drunk and didn't think he had done anything wrong because of that. I hated the bruise on my neck he left holding me down. That reminder I lived with for a week made me go numb every time I saw it.
I write this as a woman relating to your experience, but also to let you know it's not your fault you didn't report it.
All of the emotions with little proof, and the violation felt at the time probably made you just want to curl up in a ball, and be safe. That's a normal, and healthy feeling. The fact is we get put on trial, and if you watch the news like I do they don't always give a guilty verdict. In fact a woman who went to trial committed suicide just this past fall after the not guilty verdict, and often people walk away with probation. Meanwhile were dragged through the mud in the papers. And everyone knows about it.
Your not weak, or bad, or even wrong for your reaction to a serious trauma. Your perfect, and you did the best you could.
Therapy helped me so much with my own regrets over not reporting it, and also not allowing it to continue to torment me. A good therapist is worth it's weight in gold. It's also never too late to deal with. I got help 10 years after it happened, and that's no longer on my trauma list of flashbacks, or regrets. I'm just working on everything leading up to, and around it now.
It's ok your not alone. I didn't tell either back then.

 

[FireSign8]

You did what you needed to do to survive. I have been there a time or 2 or 3 or more myself. Too many times to count, let alone remember!
I never forgot a voice or a smell or a name once I've heard it 3 or more times! So, voices & smells stick in my head from my past abuses/abusers. I only had a rape kit done on 2 occasions & both turned out to be worse than the rape itself. If you happen to know someone in law enforcement or someone working in a women's rape center, perhaps they could run a check on the person who raped you, if you know his name. Then you can decide if you want to report it, but it won't change the fact that you need to feel safe in the world TODAY & in tomorrow. Yesterday can never be erased. This is where rape counseling is helpful & I regret never taking more than the first session.

The guy who raped you will eventually get his just deserts via karma! Until then, you need to take care of you as best as you possible can. You did not wish for this to happen, so it's not your fault that it did. You are more powerful than you know because you were able to leave your body & get back to it & get to safety. You have a skill that is a gift. Some call it a miracle, but I don't like that word very much. Men who rape women with gifts live in fear that we will hunt them down & murder them as they sleep. I do this in my dreams sometimes & it really helps me to cope with things I cannot change. The dreams/nightmares lessen with time. Counseling can help us learn new coping skills after an attack.

 

[Deleted member 39333]

Oh, and you might consider contacting RAINN either via phone or internet chat. They are a service for people who have been raped or sexually abused, and the people there are AWESOME. They can also help with resources, or just give a you a trained and sympathetic ear. They will believe you and support you 100%

 

[Hooper]

Now I'm married, and my husband knows what happened to me, although I don't think I could ever bring myself to share the details with him.

I would advise against disclosing details. To see why go to "just found out the details of my wife's rape" thread I started almost 2 years ago. I would never advise not to prosecute but the odds are so bad (3% is the last I heard on conviction rates) that it's hard to advise to prosecute. My sister in law is 1 of 3 who dismisses students at the university she works at. The decision has to be unanimous and all they do is kick them out of school. Nothing criminal unless the victim pushes that direction. According to her rapist are serial predators. The average number of victims are 12-18 at the last seminar she was required to attend. This is where I wish husbands, brothers and fathers would intervene. I promised my wife I would not but I'm still tempted and still in therapy.

 

[Jo.27]

I would advise against disclosing details. To see why go to "just found out the details of my wife's ra...

I'm glad to hear from a man's perspective on this. My husband already has intrusive and obsessive thoughts (he's a veteran with PTSD and a TBI) so I think you're right, he should NOT know the details. It won't do either of us any good, and I can just foresee him losing it and wanting to find my assailant.

As far as reporting goes, I am not in a position now to do anything about it. I have moved states away from where it happened, changed phone numbers, and I never had any proof of it to show authorities anyway, and I'm not going to drag myself or my family through the mud trying to punish that guy. I knew then that he would get away with it free and clear, but I still wish I would have reported it right after it happened. If anything, just to bring attention to the SOB as a warning for other women. Ugh, I can feel myself beating me up over this and I am writing, erasing, and rewriting my sentences here. All I can say now is that the past is the past, it happened, I can't change that, all I can do now is focus on my own healing and move forward.

Again, thank you for the response! I know now that it's the right thing to do to NOT tell my husband the details. I love him and our marriage too much to burden him with that knowledge.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Sadly, the responses to your post have brought great comfort to me. Hearing people tell stories similar to mine, how they dealt and outcomes helps me to not feel like I am crazy or alone. I wonder what the outcome would have been if I had reported it. Back in the 90's, I would have probably been told that it was my fault for sneaking him into my dorm room. Well, I probably would still be told that. Regardless, he also broke that rule, so maybe it would have prevented him from becoming a Resident assistant in the future.