I Wish

[Miss_Understood]

I wonder why others have put up with me for so long. I wonder why everyone doesn't hate me. I wish they did it'd be easier to just give up if they did. I'm a worthless, hateful, sinful,emotionally abusive, abrasive shitty person that for some reason people have the unfortunate of caring about. I wish they didn't.

I an nothing, I'm nothing at all, just a void, an empty shell of a human. I wish I had courage, I wish I would of died that day I was attacked, that I wouldn't of woken up from my last seizure or that I would of hit my head on the concrete not my shoulder. I hate myself, I truly truly do.

 

[digger]

I wonder why everyone doesn't hate me.

Have you asked them why they don't hate you? I'm guessing it's because they can see things in you that you can't see in yourself at the moment.

Before the attack, were you this person you now hate?

 

[Miss_Understood]

No, I was actually decent then. Now however I've become everything I hate. Hurt by NIN resonates with me right now. I'm sorry, I'm sure you don't wanna be around me either.

 

[Miss_Understood]

I wish I could see what they see. All I see is nothingness, a void, an enimatic shadow obfuscated by fear.

 

[digger]

I'm sorry, I'm sure you don't wanna be around me either.

Sometimes you just have to let people make their own minds up about that and accept that they see things you can't. I'm sure there are times you have seen things in others they haven't been able to see? What makes you different? What makes you less worthy? If I didn't wanna respond to the thread, I wouldn't respond to the thread.

No, I was actually decent then.

That's still there, it's just hidden and tangled up in all the shit that's happened. If you were truly empty and not a decent person then you wouldn't care that other people might be wasting their time caring about you and you wouldn't care about the effect you might be having on them.

 

[macca]

I agree with everything Digger has said. We wouldn't respond if we didn't want to. Maybe PTSD has blurred your concept of yourself, maybe you are interpreting something about yourself due to what happened. You are still you. How would you have described yourself before it happened? What was it about what happened that's made you think differently?

 

[Everhopeful]

Please don't give up on yourself, dear Miss_Understood. I wish I knew the secret to self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, self-love.
My husband will say things like you said in your above postings about himself. No human being should have to say such things about themselves.

No one should have to wish themselves away from others for the greater good of the others.

You have value and purpose - please don't give up seeing it in yourself. It is there.

 

[Tinyflame]

I totally understand the thoughts and feelings, @Miss_Understood ,except that I've had validation it was true. It doesn't make it easier. :( However, when I was not hated or not given reason to mistrust back, yes it seems even worse. I feel pretty empty too.

I don't think you can think for others. I think they must see you differently, not because you hide it well. Sometimes you have to trust they understand something you can't see.

:hug:

 

[Miss_Understood]

How would you have described yourself before it happened? What was it about what happened that's made you think differently?

My whole brain functions differently now. I'm angry all the time, I'm selfish, beyond selfish actually, emotionally distant and when I do feel emotions it scares me so I get indignant. I take everything as a personal attack against me, I justify my behavior because I feel as if the world owes me something.

Christ last night my wife, who I've pushed so far, ignored for so long, emotionally abused and treated horribly for years was ready to harm herself last night. My eyes are open wide now to what I've done to those I claim to love. I've never been so scared, I feel like she is going to harm herself when I go to work.

I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Yet I still hold on to blind stupid faith that I can make it through this, that our marriage will be ok.

I had no idea she was ready to harm herself, because I was lost in my own darkness, selfishly ready to rid the earth of myself not realizing that the one person I do love despite my recent actions, is done with life, I ignored that fact, and now she wants nothing from me. I don't know what to do, we are both broken, I was so selfish I didn't see how she was feeling. It took all I had to stay breathing myself, I want to say I can overcome, that we can conquer but honestly I've never been so unsure in my life.

How do you fix someone else when you're broken as well?

I've tried praying for her and I, but I feel stupid praying to someone that I can't see, I don't know if I believe in and frankly someone that I feel hates me because I'm homosexual. Christ, I'm starting to believe that is the reason I've had such a hard life.

I apologize for the book I just wrote.

 

[Everhopeful]

Miss_Understood, it sounds like you have had to bear a lot of prejudice against your sexual orientation. It is just my own belief that our Higher Power does not have any prejudice towards us like that. You love and that is all that counts.

You can only fix yourself, you cannot fix anyone else for them. Just as your wife cannot fix you, on behalf of you. We all need to "dig our own well", but of course we can help each other do so by offering our love, support and encouragement.

I am sorry both you and your wife feel so broken right now. I hope both of you can find help to heal.

 

[digger]

How do you fix someone else when you're broken as well?

You don't. You can support them to fix themselves and you can ask for support to fix yourself, but you can't fix other people and they can't fix you.

Keep talking. Keep opening up. Keep being honest. Keep letting her talk. Keep allowing her to open up. Keep letting her be honest. Things don't just break overnight, they can't be fixed overnight either. You may need to allow space to heal too. For both of you. Just keep on working on being the best that you can be. You are trying. That counts for a lot.

I don't know if I believe in and frankly someone that I feel hates me because I'm homosexual.

I'm not religious, at all, but from what I've seen of religion, it is people that hate, not gods.
I think you've said before that you wonder if you are somehow being punished for being gay. You are not.