Childhood I'd Completely Ignored It

[GwenDR]

My earliest memory is of a neighbor kid, a older than me, wanting me to put his penis in my mouth. I didn't want to do it, and never liked hanging out with him because he was mean and pushy, but always did because he was a friend and you were supposed to. I was four or so.

I never really forgot it, but was absolutely convinced it was unimportant, had probably not really happened, and if it had, hadn't impacted me in any way. I'm starting to think I was wrong, that it definitely hurt me, and affected me almost my entire life in a major way.

But I can't remember anything but him telling me to do it. I don't remember if I did it, I don't remember if it happened more than once. I have no memory of his parents, either. I'm worried they might have been abusing him, as well, and that he was repeating the abuse on me; hope he's okay.

I hate not knowing how bad it was. I have no scale to judge how much it should have affected me. Was it a one time thing, did I actually do it or did I refuse? Did it happen several times? Where his parents, of whom I have no memory, involved? I had a daydream within about a year that was very intense, and I still remember it, that involved the adults in a kids TV show having weird sex whenever a magic camera took a picture of them. That's a dream a kindergartner shouldn't be having, and it makes me terrified of the fact that there was a camera in the daydream.

I'd also completely disregarded the daydream as unimportant, and never connected the two until recently.

I just have no idea.

Does anyone else feel like that, like they have no way of knowing how bad it was? I have so much doubt over this, and it's scaring me. I never let myself think of this as something bad before, and now that I am, I still don't know how bad.

 

[GwenDR]

Edited op to have actual questions.

 

[ladee]

I have no memories of abuse either. I have memories of me acting out sexually but none of anything being done to me.
And you are right about us not instinctively doing things or thinking sexually. Those things were learned somewhere.
Its been a hard recovery for me because I didn't have anyone to "blame" because all I had was feelings, no memories.
So a lot of the rage and hurt was turned on myself.
I hate it for you that you feel a camera was involved somehow. Even if there wasn't...that is a horrible feeling.
Isn't it so sad to know that as early as four we were disaccoiating!
I'm sorry things happened to both of us that changed our lives..and we don't remember.
Gentle hugs for both you and me.

 

[GwenDR]

I have other memories of acting inappropriately sexual as well. I'm not comfortable going into them, but it was definitely unusual. Even now it's hard for me to feel sexual boundaries emotionally, though it's merely the absence of a taboo feeling, not a compulsion to act in any inappropriate way.

 

[Rani G2]

"blame" because all I had was feelings, no memories.
So a lot of the rage and hurt was turned on myself.

Same issue here, some snapshot of a sexual experience at the 5,6 or even 7? Not sure. Not one person, maybe two.
Disgusting feelings, cannot put into words.


Still processing, and making my way through.

 

[ladee]

Would you mind sharing what you mean by "it's merely the absence of a taboo feeling".
Needing to get clear in my mind. Thanks.

 

[GwenDR]

This is uncomfortable to talk about as well, mind if I take it to a PM?

 

[ladee]

Sure..no problem.

 

[Mach123]

I can only talk about me but this is how I finally figured out I had been sexually abused as a child. I don't think it matters if or not you are willing, you are just not supposed to be having sex when you are a child.

I had the same disassociated memories. Incidents of sexual behavior from my early childhood and then wanting to do things that I shouldn't have known about. Why did I want to do that stuff? I shouldn't have been thinking about sex. I was so young.

Then finally, in my forties I walked into the next room to find my wife and I said "I think I was sexually abused."