Idealization Of Emotional Self-sufficiency

[Rani G2]

Forum people,

this is no new issue I am dealing with, its definitely very tenacious and hard to overcome.

Being more introverted, avoiding groups, I find it hard to regulate sensory awareness. I'm overwhelmed with colours, smells, sounds so I withdraw myself as I get exhausted quickly. Its also a hypersensitivity thing, plus being more empathic I find it hard to interact with other people. I know, this doesnt have to be a burden, there are many other people dealing with this and I have to be more aware of my own limits, doing enough selfcare.

What I mean with idealization is the fact that I built up this construct of “You, must be able to bear suffering, emotional struggles without being dependent“. This is so merged in my system that everytime I feel the need to open up I am being very logical, distant and “appear“ emotionally stable to the outside, that people think I am somewhat coldhearted.

Can You show your vulnerability to others? If so, how careful are you? I am aware of the fact that you cannot show all aspects of yourself to every person or at workplace.

Let me know, I need some other views.


Thanks
Purusha

 

[LadyZane]

I struggle with this as well. I want to be my "authentic" self and really connect with people, but I also know that "authentic" self is formed out of some stuff they have no context for understanding. It sometimes feels like most people's conversations, especially in a group, are exclusionary in a way they can't even begin to fathom. They swap funny childhood stories (don't have any of those), talk about their parents and siblings (no lighthearted content about that on my end), talk about their interests and achievements (still struggling to feel even remotely good enough at any of mine to share them). Once, a work friend convinced me to come over to the house of a friend of hers to watch the Oscars or Grammys or something. I'm barely interested in things like that, but I was lonely and bored at the time, so I went. This woman was telling me some funny story or making some point, and to illustrate something she put her hand on my arm and looked into my eyes and said something like, "Ok, it's like, remember when we were in college, and it was like this and that and so on" and I wanted to slap her. A, I had to be at least 6 or 7 years older than she was, so no, I did not remember when "we" were in college. What's more, the assumption that everyone's parents sent them to a four year school straight out of high school, where they had a wonderful amazing time, was so grating to me! I finished my degree in my late 20s as a commuter student working full time as a waitress, at a school that wouldn't have been my first choice but it was reasonably drive-able and offered me a grant. But that's not what the conversation was about -- it was about whatever shallow funny story she was telling in the first place, and people were there to drink wine and talk smack about celebrities' outfits, not compare life stories about how we got through college, so I just smiled and nodded and didn't tell her any of this. I still feel almost ashamed when I think about it. Like I regularly sell myself out to seem "normal" to people. But what other option is there???

 

[Rani G2]

Hey LadyZane,

want to be my "authentic" self and really connect with people,

its very much the same dilemma I have been experiencing during all these years. My own sense of self is something I always find hard to grasp, its quite abstracted, and this is something many chronically traumatized people experience in their life.

It is almost as if many humans are not able or willing to show a true facet of themselves, fearing abandonment or devaluation. Sugarcoating certain Events or experiences in life is something even I find hard to tolerate. Most of the time this gives an impression of making things less significant or fatalism. Making no effort to truly comprehend. I can understand that many people need these so called “meet ups“ to drink their cup of coffee, just for a little tittle-tattle. But, I do understand when you say :

like, "Ok, it's like, remember when we were in college, and it was like this and that and so on" and I wanted to slap her.

There is nothing honest about her statement, just a saying to romanticise her own perspective. There is nothing truthful there, just a masquerade. When people do this, very often I feel that they aernt quite aware of their own void. Its like, I'll make it sound nice/good long enough and that alone becomes reality. So, I can understand why you got angry.

What option? For me, One person. One person who is able to deal with a certain limit of human chasms and diversity. Thats all.