Ideas for ways to work on this? Changing Patterns.


I don't know which forum this goes in sorry

Therapy today -

She picked up on and pointed out to me that a major theme in my life has been

Trapped / Unheard / Shame

Being trapped - in abusive situation
The need to get away, but not being able to. Resulting in suicide seeming the only option.
Not being heard when I try to tell someone. Not heard or believed or cared about.
Rather invalidated / blamed etc
And Shame

We touched on several situations all through my life where it's been this pattern.

I had never really seen that so clearly.

Good stuff!

I asked what we do about it now. She said bringing awareness to it is the first step.

I asked ok then what. And she didn't have an answer other than the awareness will change things.

I would like to figure out a better answer than that if I can.

I wondered if anyone here has ideas of things I can do to work on this?
We touched on several situations all through my life where it's been this pattern.

I had never really seen that so clearly.
Isn't it great when something like this becomes clear?

I'm not gonna be much help here, but I had a similar experience outside of therapy in just the last few days. It happened as a result of two books I've been reading, and it hit me like a load of bricks.
the awareness will change things.
Yeah...this is both very, very true and quite frustrating. Because sometimes it takes a long while before we get to the change. My own plan is to just continue to explore the different ideas that brought about clarity--with journaling, talking about them, and breaking them down a bit.

Sorry, not helpful, but I wanted to let you know I had a similar experience.
I think "this" is how the awareness is supposed to slowly change things.

Pattern trapped/unheard/shame.

For a bit the course will run through. The shame will ring a bell. Backtrack and realize it's done happened again. Hopefully not the big stuff just day to day stuff.

With catching on at shame in a timely manner you can go back and address unheard with a clear memory. You can then address to yourself clearly what could have made you "heard".

Eventually you catch on to when your not being heard. No need to get to shame. Change what we hear/percieve into different ways of what we are trying to say/communicate.

Get real good and we can recognize trapped. Utilizing skill set for becoming "untrapped" we may be able to find ways to not be "trapped".

Acknowledge (not dwell on) shame first, even the little crap, while it is fresh.

Backtrack and gameplan for next time.

If this is not on line to what my therapist is telling me about awareness changing things (I get same feedback you do) then I have done F-d up my awareness plan. 😃

Trapped sucks but is sometimes avoidable. Unheard is inexcusable but many times avoidable. Shame, we all know that.
HI @Teasel that sure sounds wonderful! I am so happy for you!!!

I do relate, though am more 'in' than 'out of it', but I think @oops! really stated a good plan, and working backward like that, because it seems shame ends up the consequence. I can only add, the opposite of trapped is free; unheard heard and validated; shame perhaps self-acceptance without blame? Where are you now free? Where and how are you heard, or more so, or moments of it? When you feel shame, STOP sign.

I think self care is very important because it sends subconsciously a message you have worth. (And therefore a right to be free and empowerment, and confidence in your decisions; that what you say is of value; that you shouldn't be ashamed of surviving what you have but proud.)

I feel also it helps (just for me) to notice and remind myself, especially in the morning, that there are many things to be thankful for. Not for the sake of gratitude, which I am aware of, but to give myself permission to feel more happiness instead of negative thoughts at the moment.

Hope you will share with us! Gentle hugs to you!!
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Identifying the pattern in and of itself is the most important thing, IME.

It’s like the difference between hearing & listening.

Because to identify the pattern? Means I’m ABLE to see, even though I probably won’t, actually, see it… until I do.

Once you can actually identify it? You can start to see.

So second steps? SEEING the pattern, how it’s repeating, in my life. So I can begin to identify how old patterns are repeating now. To recognise when it’s happening again, now. Instead of “only” in hindsight.

Then? (4th steps… Identifying, seeing, recognising, _____). Once I can actually see myself kicking into old patterns as it’s happening? Recognise that it’s happening? PLAYING with those patterns. Changing variables. As I’m well versed in what I usually do? I can start chasing things up.

One, of a few hundred variations, would be to stop asking for help. (I know. That goes against something like 99.99999bar% of therapy principals.) But I don’t mean it the way that it sounds. I mean not waiting for someone else to do something, to be heard as I’m screaming, but to be the person I want to rescue me. NOT needing someone else’s validation & intervention. I, me, myself recognise that “this” is wrong… and take steps. (Now, there are something like 56-5600 different variables to that tiny piece, alone, but to continue on a theme?) About 2/3s of those steps only involve myself, & 99% of the other 3rd don’t involve anyone else listening/agreeing with me, even though they do involve other people. No one else needs to validate my experience, for me to be experiencing it. If it’s real? It’s real. Full stop.

^^^ I mention all of this, because it’s VERY easy to go all black & white, right & wrong, once you start playing with variables. Especially when you’re using the past as a guide. (Oh? So I shouldn’t have done XYZ?!?… I’m wrong, everything/always/no one/ever… etc.) <<< And that’s the exact opposite of what I’m saying. When one starts playing with variables to break old patterns

1) There are always MANY different options, of which? Most may very well suck worse, than the options chosen. If there are a million different choices, and only 3 are better than normal? 3:1,000,000 is a thing. Another very real thing. That may take a lot of tries to FIND those 3. With worse results attached. Expect a whoooooole lotta failure, in playing with variables to old patterns. Unless you’re just lucky. In which case? Revel in it.

2) It’s a middle point unrelated, entirely, to being trapped and unable to get out. Whether or not someone else believes You’re/I’m/Anyone is trapped? Has zero effect on the fact of being trapped, and not seeing a way out. Their believing, or not believing, does nothing/zero/zilch/nada to trap you, or untrapped you, or to help you find a solution.

- Identifying.
- Seeing.
- Recognising. (What you’re seeing)
- Playing / Acting
- Achieving.
- Repatterining. (Expect rather a lot of cocking up, once you know what you want to do. Because it’s a skill. Which takes practice to master.)
I wondered if anyone here has ideas of things I can do to work on this?
I've been mulling this over since you posted @Teasel . Trying to work out a tangible process that I think I have been discovering (you posting has been helpful!).

I don't know if this helps but what I have noticed is:
Noticing that there are feelings happening.
Then noticing what the feelings are.
Then noticing what the feelings are in response to.
Then realising it's one of these patterns.
Then thinking about the situation.
Which then creates a sort of 'peering around' the whole thing as opposed to being overwhelmed by it.
And then somehow that helps to release some of the tension/emotion or it lets it pass a bit.
And it allows space for a different perspective.
Which then allows space for thinking.
Which then allows space for deciding different behaviour.

I think?????
How I work on change, is to change my thoughts. In improving my golf game I read a bunch of psychology books and one held a secret that goes against everything you are ever told. It said "to become a good putter, you need to believe you are good first, then you can become good".

Wow....mind blown. So to that end I got a couple Moleskine hard cover reporters note books about 4"x 3" and wrote all the things I wanted to change in there - not what I wanted to change but what the change I wanted was - as positive statements.
- I putt very well.
- I always pick my target on every shot
- I am calm and relaxed
...and many more.

And I read them every time I picked up my clubs. I put those in the back of the book and in the front? A really short journal of how I acted those out - in positive terms only. NEVER as a "didn't, couldn't, struggled" always a "better than usual, I did X really well, good day, I was better at"

.....and I met a lifelong goal of playing a round in the '70's and having a handicap of less then 10.

I felt a bit of a dummy when I showed them to my T who said - how would you apply this to PTSD? So now I have another notebook......