Identity Confusion

[anonymous]

I have an inside me and an outside me, which I believe is quite a normal. Most people adjust to go to work and stuff.

The problem is, that the outside me adjusts to external situations too much and I fit my persona to whatever is going on. I'm not unaware that the inside me still exists, but I feel distanced from it. I also feel disconnected from other personas.

I spoke to someone about this recently and they saw it as a confidence issue and said I should 'just be myself'.

So I've tried not to slip into persona and to remain aware of my inner self. But by doing this, I've become aware of the feeling of slipping into a persona, it is like very mildly dissociating, but instead of becoming blank, I go into work mode or family visit mode.

Apart from when I've been faced by sexuality in the past (I avoid it now), there's no part of me that I feel is a problem.

My concerns are that A) I don't feel I know my inside self - or that it doesn't have a fully formed or functioning personality; B) My ex therapist was concerned that working on the inside me could destabilise the whole persona thing and that is was such a strong coping mechanism, she didn't want to go there - so I'm afraid of that. C) But being so detached causes as many fears as it prevents, so it's not a comfortable place to be.

Sometimes I think that if I just accepted it is the way I am, maybe it would be less distressing. But on the other hand, I don't want to just give into it because I'm worried that I would lost control. So at the moment I'm confused about it all and also about what to do about it.

 

[saffy]

Hi Anon and welcome

Have you heard of the locus of external evaluation?

Here is a link. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control

I totally understand what you are saying as I do the same thing. I adapt very quickly to my surroundings. I believe this is my way of fitting in and being accepted because I do not know who I actually am.

I have no confidence in me from the inside so evaluate myself externally. I find something I think I value and change to become what is something that is valued. But this never works in the long run because I am not living with my own truth.

This is something I am learning and it is getting better.

For example, I do not suddenly just like the music they are playing and think I just have to play just that to fit in. I share my likes in what I like if it differs from them and this then makes me an individual in my own right. If that makes sense. :)

I can understand your concerns and to be honest I don't find your therapist very encouraging. Finding out who you are can be done gradually and in your own time. Each time you find that piece is a move forward to becoming 'whole' as one says. ;)

This is still on going for me though. I am also learning that it is ok to have different likes and views and opinions and dress sense etc etc etc.

I am also learning to look for other things to like in people regarding their personalities and attitudes rather than their actions or perceived lives.

I know how you feel, you are not alone :)

Saffy :)

 

[DharmaGirl]

outside me adjusts to external situations too much

Me too. I don't know who I am, but I am learning. The more I go through therapy and work on my issues, the more I know about me. It might even change as I go through therapy some more. I am starting a Smash Book entitled, "Who I Am" and I will journal and scrapbook about it. I used to worry about it all the time, but my therapist told me not to worry, it will all come together as I go along.

 

[Phenioxrising]

I had an identity crisis in Oct. My Therapist helped me through it. But it's a journey you have to go through myself.

I too am highly adaptable around different people, and situations. This may sound confusing, but what makes you is everything that happened to you throughout your life. Different people that have left their mark and has formed you into the person that you are today. See yourself in a different way, and you'll see the world around you differently. To trust others, learn to first trust yourself.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Which part of me do I trust when I can't even see a cohesive me?

 

[Phenioxrising]

It can be difficult, and not easy. Trust your instincts. If you think the person doesn't seem right and is pushing their views on you, your usually right. Let them know how you feel about it. Trust your perspective of the world around you. Gauge their tone of voice, facial expriessions and gestures.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I spoke to someone about this recently and they saw it as a confidence issue and said I should 'just be myself'.

I don't feel its a confidence issue. For me it was survival. I have a very flexible sense of self and am hyper sensitive to perceiving how others feel around me. I think it was because I was a hyper vigilant child - always trying to gauge my mom's reactions and respond to the subtleties in her body language, facial expressions and voice. Is it going to be a good day or a bad day? Should I try to make her laugh or just stay the hell away?

As an adult, the ability to conform to the subtleties of my environment (whether work, relationships or friendships), actually had its benefits. It allowed me to win the esteem of my colleagues and enabled me to achieve relative success.

It is/was rather empty though to be honest and now that I'm no longer working and am socially isolated I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. I know who certain parts of myself are, but as someone mentioned above, I lack a cohesive whole sense of self. Some days I don't even know what I like in terms of personal interests or what I want to do "when I grow up" ;).

 

[Phenioxrising]

I can relate to what you say. and I had to take the compliments of what other people have said about me, in my past. To find my sense of self worth. For me it was a Dr. I worked with that said, "why do the others treat you the way they do?". You don't get paid enough for the amount of work you do, You dont just love your job, You love what you do. It made me question myself for a couple of months. But, in the end opened my eyes to the way I was treated, and talking to bosses about it, they didn't care. So even though I loved my job, I was/am satisfied at the work I did. Now just to find another profession, while still takeing care of my dad. Different possibilities scare me a bit.

 

[aka]

The problem is, that the outside me adjusts to external situations too much and I fit my persona to whatever is going on. I'm not unaware that the inside me still exists, but I feel distanced from it. I also feel disconnected from other personas.

I can relate there are many times I don't show my true personality. How much I show depends on as you said on external stimuli such as body language and tone of voice of those I am interacting with. It like only showing those around you only half of what makes you the person you are. I believe I do this to protect myself from being rejected since not many people have accepted me in my life. But it also creates distress when i am unable to make a connection with anyone I interact with.

I don't feel its a confidence issue. For me it was survival. I have a very flexible sense of self and am hyper sensitive to perceiving how others feel around me. I think it was because I was a hyper vigilant child

Same here I was hyper vigilant as a child always trying to stay as I saw it "out of trouble". Meaning keeping a good distance away from the kids that I feared and always being passive (like invisible) so to not draw any attention to myself. As an adult I have a tendency to read other peoples body language, words, and tone of voice to calculate how to interact with them. I have a hard time being around people I classify as "unpredictable" because they will have different responses based on there mood. I once tried to make a joke to an instructor who was late for a lesson just to decrease tension she took it personally and venting her frustration on me for a good 5 minutes. I was always much more careful in what I said around her after that.

 

[Phenioxrising]

You know, I worked with animals, and can say that people are like cats. Put a pissed off cat in a cage. and the next person that goes to grab the cat, the cat will strike. Dosn't matter if it's the same person. Their mad and they'll show you their mad. A lot of people tend to vent their anger, or make jokes on our expense because of their own insecurities. Makes them feel better, and they have no right; it's just human nature.