Identity vs. Ability - Where does PTSD fit in?

[metis-siren]

Hello everyone,

I'm not doing so well. I feel like I'm losing a part of myself. Still struggling to complete anything academically, and I'm looking back on the past three years and seeing all but the same thing. It would be easy for me to say it was this or it was that. I know it hasn't been easy, and I know I'm dealing with a lot - but at what point do you just throw in the towel? Say, okay I'm just not able to do this anymore? What if it takes away your entire identity, if that's the only thing you've been able to push yourself for - is for the dream of the person you want to be.

I've been in psychiatric therapy for years, the past three with the same psychiatrist and my academics aren't getting better. I don't know anymore. The stress is killing me. It's the chronic disassociation, the panic and anxiety disorders, the lack of memory, the clinical depression, the chronic pain conditions and the other 20 something health conditions I'm dealing with. The doctor's screwing around with my medications and the side effects, the amount of hospital visits for my physical health. I don't know where one thing ends and the other begins.

This isn't my clearest moment - I'm all over the place and it's not that the options aren't clear, it's that I'm not clear about my ability anymore. I don't have that sense of self and my ability.

I could list off the recent stressors (and they are plentiful) but my main concern right now seems to lie in figuring out what I can and can't handle right now and why.

Thanks for listening.

 

[just tina]

I hear you. Am going through the same thing right now.

Again.

 

[hodge]

I don't know how to answer your questions...but I have asked myself many of the same ones. My ptsd symptoms started more than three years ago, I sought treatment two years ago and was diagnosed, then I continued to struggle in my job until I was laid off last summer. I wasn't functioning well. I could see that I wasn't working the way I used to be able to work. I don't know how long I would have been able to continue had I not gotten laid off. All I could think of was, I have to keep working, I have to, I've always been able to work, I will again if I just get better or try harder. But I couldn't. It was killing me. At that point, getting laid off was a relief to me.

I've been struggling with losing my identity, because I was my work.

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this while you're in school. I was lucky in that my symptoms didn't get bad until years later. But I'm also finding it hard to think of other options at my age and also taking into account my limitations now.

What does your psychiatrist say? Do you like/trust him/her? I'm sorry, I know we've talked about this before, but I can't remember now (chalk it up to brain mush).

 

[EmoxxKid]

I don't have any answers for you...just some comments.
I am going through just about the same thing, I am doing so damn bad I think about going to the ward often just to get them to tell me I am NOT crazy like my mother......(long story)....yet and still...I understand man.

School....*sighs* my god I wish I could get done with dinner tonight let alone do anything in school! Good for you that you got this far!!! I think you need a break...don't give up for good...but you have to take a break....

 

[kers]

I hear you, it can be brutal to try to cope with this stuff and do school, too. I did a good long stint of schooling--undergrad and then grad school--while my symptoms were raging (but I didn't know it was PTSD). It was at the end of grad school that I just broke under the stress and could not cope anymore. As soon as I finished, I got help and backed off on a lot of my other commitments so I could focus on my healing. It has helped me figure out where my limits are and also helped me actually do the work to get better so that I can re-commit myself to some things.

What are some things you can do to give yourself the time and space you need to focus on your needs and the PTSD?

 

[metis-siren]

Today is better, or at least right now I'm doing better (one moment at a time, I suppose).

I think I can be clearer now about where I'm at and what I'm struggling with, the ins and outs of what's going on and what's not.

In regards to therapy, well I think I'm done with the therapist who should never be seen by anyone who suffers from PTSD, depression or anything that's heavy. My new psychiatrist and I have our first appointment next week - an assessment (as per the old one still being on leave for an indeterminate amount of time). I'm hoping that will help jump start the therapy back to a place where I feel I'm getting the support I need.

School has been an ongoing battle since I started my university career. I know I'm not physically able to work and have been deemed so by doctor upon doctor. However, knowing that, I haven't been able to make the correlation between the concept of working full-time or part-time and school. That school is a job. Somehow I keep pushing myself into thinking "if I just try hard enough" or “It will be different this year," and to some extent yes, each year will be different, each day will be different, but in saying these things to myself I've neglected to acknowledge fully and actively that I'm dealing with major mental health issues, that aren't short lived or short termed.

It has taken me four years to understand that I have chronic pain conditions that get worse with ... and that I can't do ... without ending up in bed for three days, feeling like I've been run over by an 18 wheeler. I still have trouble with that, but I understand that it's not an option for me to wake up and say, "Okay, today you are going to go run a marathon," or even something more simple, such as "Today you are going to clean the house top to bottom." It's not something I can do, and trial and error has taught me that, as has becoming more aware of my symptoms. But it doesn't seem to translate to mental health for me.

There's the identity issue, the one that comes up when you think of yourself, the one that comes up when you are in conversations with other people, the question "Who am I?" That question doesn't generate many responses that aren't related to some sort of role in your life - mother, friend, type of work, etc... I find that my identity is so strongly tied to the roles that I occupy, the roles that I strive to occupy and that stripping them off, even for a moment makes me feel naked, alone, isolated and without an identity.

To some extent I feel like I've been treading water, I know that school hasn't been going well for quite some time, but I have good days, days where I can go to lectures, read my books and I feel empowered (by knowledge and my ability to complete these activities). Other days, I feel defeated, no matter how hard I try, my butt is not getting out of bed, or I can sit in front of the computer, read the text, write it down, but I'm not going to remember it in a minute. That's crippling for me, it makes me doubt in myself as a person, as someone who has set their life up as having this role to live beyond my personal tragedies and help others through X & Y.

The question always arises, what are you going to do? I haven't been able to answer such questions - as they tend to be an automatic shutdown for me. The questions about school tend to hurt to the core though I can understand why. School has been a coping mechanism since I was a child, it was my escape. If I could do well in school, I had something. I had a safe place, a refuge and I knew I could do something right, I could do something. I had brains, and that would see me through it. That was what pushed me to go on (mind you there were years that that thinking wasn't enough, but it's underlying message is still relevant).

I don't know what to work on with my PTSD right now or how to go about doing so anymore. I've been in therapy for eight years or so. I've worked my butt off to get here, and knowing that I've come a long way barely touches the pain of feeling inadequate, unable, and without identity.

I keep telling myself, if you push yourself for the next 4-5 months, you can have the summer off. You don't have to go to school then. You can relax, you can really do some heavy work, and you can do more group therapy if you want. You can get more involved in your spiritual community and start going to drumming circles and meeting with elders.

Somewhere the choice of stopping has been placed outside of my control. If I stop my education and say, okay guys, I need some time off right now, there are repercussions that I can't afford. Financially. I don't know if this will break me, but I haven't been able to shake the consequences to my sense of self, and the external consequences.

I think I've written a mini-novel here. I don't know what to work on first, and if I can do that while managing some semblance of academics (reduced beyond my already reduced workload). I tend to think that I should probably work on the things that are the most pronounced right now - disassociation, anxiety and memory problems. But I don't know where to start.

Thank you.

 

[Lisa]

Just want to say... you are not alone. I could have written your post myself, as this is certainly I have struggled with through my university career too.

My entire life is dedicated to two things: 1. surviving, and trying to get better 2. Trying to balance this with studying. Sometimes I have had to sit back and think "Is doing this degree making me sicker?". The answer to that is yes. It makes me sick, and I suffer both personally, and academically (and socially, and financially etc.). It always boils down to if I am so sick that I have to give up, or if I want my degree enough to keep pushing on with it. The last two years, the question of if I can really cope much longer, or if I should give up my degree for my sake has been a constant reality on the cards.

In terms of your therapy and treatment, good god it must be much harder with a useless therapist as well! Good on you for ditching and trying for someone better who can help you. I hope the appointment next week goes well.

In terms of working whilst at school... again I am similar to you. I have just been totally unable to work... the best I have managed so far is a part-time job where I do some work from home, that has no fixed hours, flexibility and a very kind boss who is also a close friend.

I see school as a job too and have those same thoughts ("It will be different this year"). Truth is, it just never is so far. So I hang on to hope of dealing with my PTSD to a point that this will change. I think you are right... accepting the reality of PTSD is hard. A lot of people, myself for one, have thought "Yeah I've accepted it!"... only to later realise that I really hadn't.

To some extent I feel like I've been treading water, I know that school hasn't been going well for quite some time, but I have good days, days where I can go to lectures, read my books and I feel empowered (by knowledge and my ability to complete these activities). Other days, I feel defeated, no matter how hard I try, my butt is not getting out of bed, or I can sit in front of the computer, read the text, write it down, but I'm not going to remember it in a minute. That's crippling for me, it makes me doubt in myself as a person, as someone who has set their life up as having this role to live beyond my personal tragedies and help others through X & Y

.

Again here, I can identify at least to some degree here maybe. I'm doing a psychology degree. I'm doing it to make something positive of my life, and to do what I think I would be good at. I'm doing it because it gives me meaning, and purpose.... and identity. I consider it a part of me, a central part of me. I also understand the paragraph about good and bad days... the bad times, where uni. really isn't going well, and i'm really suffering personally, I find myself wondering what on earth I am on this planet for. It's a hard, philosiphical place to be, for me at least. Because it not only makes me question where I am and what I'm doing now, but what I have based many, many years of my life on and trying to achieve, and that this has become in a way one of my few sole goals. Study, and reading used to be my escape. I don't know what changed the last 5 or 6 years but suddenly at times I just couldn't do that anymore when I needed to.

I keep telling myself, if you push yourself for the next 4-5 months, you can have the summer off. You don't have to go to school then. You can relax, you can really do some heavy work...

Starting to sound like a parrot now... again... these have been how I have been thinking for a while too!

I can identify with so much in this post, and I don't know if that will help you in any way. But perhaps I could make some suggestions.

Is it a bad thing that you see your identity as your career/academics? I don't think so. But I sense you are not entirely happy with it just being that though. So would it be a bad thing to broaden to maybe more things you can identify yourself with? Like another hobby or skill, if you can?

As for what should you do....I think: sit down, think hard about the practicalities, what you want, and what is best for you. Sometimes the answer isn't clear cut... sometimes the answer isn't the easy answer either (whether that be leave, or stay sounds like both are hard decisions). But think about a compromise maybe? I know I have had to and still am considering compromise myself... like going part time student? Getting a loan? Do you think you need to work on you first, study later? Or do you think you can continue for both despite it being hard? Do you think you need more time to think and see how things go? One thing I do know about studying, in England at least, is that if you can keep going with the study as best as you can, there is no rush to make any definitive decisions until you are sure in yourself.

You have worked really hard to be where you are, these are difficult big questions...

Personally, for me... I settle on getting accommodations from the university, lifting as much pressure off myself as possible... and I'm going to let my grades dictate what I do next, unless i get to a point where I simply can't do anything at all (which happens sometimes, it depends how long it goes on for with me). I simply cannot put myself under the "I must excel beyond what I have before"... I have to recognise that life isn't simple, my PTSD gets in the way of studying, and sometimes just submitting an assignment is a big achievement for me, and all I am left is hoping that it is good enough for a high grade. If it's not... I'll deal with it or re-take the year if I have to, because I know if I put myself under any more pressure than I already am, I'll be useless for anything.

But that's just my personal stance... these things are personal to each person, and your decisions and answers to your own questions must fit to what you need and want.

 

[just tina]

Sheesh, Metis-siren, you're speaking for me too. I just failed two classes during a term when I didn't even have to work! I've never failed a college class in 174 hours! PTSD just kicked over my sand-castle! The one thing I thought it couldn't screw up! I failed Trig and Chemistry. Linear thinking and numbers is especially hard for me when I'm affected. My schedule stunk too. Every day was a different schedule and I felt constantly confused about what to do when. Could NOT get organized. I don't even remember a field trip or know if I went or not.

So I'm slowing down and not taking more than two classes, finding a counselor, and going to the gym as if it were required. I'll have less money, but less pressure and more time to take care of myself.

Who am I when I'm not a stellar student? Whoever I am now, I guess. Still breathing. But I pray I can pull up because this degree and profession is what gives me hope for a future (that I don't necessarily believe in).

The identity question is a tough one. I, personally, don't want PTSD to be my primary identity---it is what interferes with who I am. Wish I could drop-kick it. Resent the hell out of it.

 

[just tina]

I hope you don't feel like I hijacked your thread and am not responding to you Metis-siren.

Any progress with sorting things out?

 

[reallydown]

Hi Siren,

I, too, have trouble with this. I totally get what you're saying about identity...I feel like I don't know myself...If I'm not able to get the high grades I'm used to I feel like I'm dumb or something...a failure...a fraud...it just fails to register that it's mostly because of this...

I have also thought about just quitting...I have lowered my course load to only 3 courses per term and I'm having difficulty even keeping up with that. I don't know what your situation is like but is it possible to reduce the workload a bit more? I know that here, if I want loans I have to be a fulltime student so I know it might not be possible to reduce it anymore without having to either come up with your own money or even start paying them off before you're done...and all that is so strsseful.

It is so frustarting academically too when you are not able to do what you know you are capable of...and to pour salt onto the wound people, when they see you getting reasonably good grades, think "what are you complaining about?" not realizing that htis is not you...that you can do better and that now your plans of going to grad school or whatever are totally up in the air...that the future you had envisioned for yourself might not be possible and it's not even your fault...

Lisa, I too also can relate to what you say about wondering what the point of the whole thing is...Anyway...I just hope we all manage to hang on.

Siren, good luck with the new pyschiatrist. I so hope s/he will be able to help you get back on track. Take care of yourself.

 

[metis-siren]

Thank you for your responses. It helps to know I'm not alone. I think somewhere along the way I forgot what's been going on and how much those stressors really affect me (and how long they affect me). This by no means undermines the role of PTSD in my life, not am I able to say "Next semester will be different." However, I've been reading more about PTSD (I think I needed a refresher course - just not one that was graded, lol) and it seems to help me identify the difference between me and the PTSD.

I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and realizing what a task that is. It's baby steps. Next semester I can take one less class and I'm seriously considering it. I have a couple appointments that may gauge my ability to handle my workload and some thinking to do, but I'm going to figure it out before I've gone and thrown myself into a sinking hole again.

I did something yesterday that I hope turns out to be quite helpful in my healing. I contacted my local Aboriginal Healing and Wellness Centre and have set up an Intake meeting and have a worker lined up. It looks promising and I'm hoping that integrating my culture into my healing will help. If anything, that is a way of strengthening a sense of identity for myself. I have my intake this afternoon and I was told I wouldn't have to disclose a lot, just tell them what I was looking for. I'm glad to get the ball rolling, finally. I've been putting this off for years. Side note, maybe I'll find someone there I can practice my Cree with. I'm excited, but nervous - underlying this all right now I think is a sense of hope.

I saw my GP the other day and discussed what has been going on in my mental state lately. He told me not to discount the medications decreases (and subsequent increases) that had caused an increase in migraines (daily hell), and to not discount how much chronic pain affects me. So, this disassociation problem I'm having - well it's a big giant ball of yarn all tangled up - and though I have nimble fingers, my patience is wearing thin.

Last night was semi-productive. I wasn't able to work on the paper itself, but I did research a fair bit and that made me feel like I was doing something. It helped. Today I'm going to try to give my professor a call and let him know how I'm doing (he's a good guy who knows what's going on) and hopefully be able to borrow some books I can't get access to.

I think I'm finding that every time I get to a point where I question whether or not I can do this (by this I mean academia related activities) and say I can't, I have a day or two where I feel completely void and hopeless, but the strength rises again. Maybe it's not about how many times we fall down, but how many times we get back up?

 

[metis-siren]

reallydown, I'm close to being in your situation, I can reduce my courseload to two credits a term (40% of a full courseload) and still be eligible for government financial aid, but that's because my file says I'm disabled. I'm taking 60% now and have thought about reducing it further.

Lisa, everyone whose commented - thank you. You've given me food for thought and the feeling of not being alone in dealing with the ever so challenging balancing act.