Hey metis-siren.. how's it going? Well done for setting up the Intake meeting... I think it's brilliant about incorporating your culture into your healing. I think a sense of identity is extremely important, and improving this will only help you feel more able to tackle things, and increase a sense of a 'whole-you'.
Again, you say many things that make me go "that's me!!!"
I think somewhere along the way I forgot what's been going on and how much those stressors really affect me (and how long they affect me). This by no means undermines the role of PTSD in my life, not am I able to say "Next semester will be different."
I'm always forgetting how much PTSD affects my ability to study. I don't know if you already tried this, but when I plan my work, I allow myself "PTSD times"... a few hours a day to collapse if I need to, or at least concentrate on me so I know I'm not neglecting myself through studying (only leads me to meltdown in the end). I also allow 'bad days' when planning my time management... it allows me a sense of security for if I hit a bad problem, or need time out for getting myself on track PTSD wise. I nearly always use up my 'bad days', and I'm doing an assignment at the moment, and have run out of my 'bad days' I kept free for myself, so I need to re-jig how I judge myself and how much time I need... I should have realised Christmas would be worse than other deadlines. But anyway... it's just a thought on helping you manage your workload as someone with PTSD. I know it can take me twice, or thrice as long to do an assignment compared to my classmates because of PTSD interfering.
Last night was semi-productive. I wasn't able to work on the paper itself, but I did research a fair bit and that made me feel like I was doing something. It helped.
Well done... again, it looks like you already do this, but I have recently found an incredibly helpful tip. When the task is too daunting, or I am not in a good space, I do 'mechanical' things... and if I can't do anything mechanical for my assignment, then I'll do it for some other assignment I have coming up. Either way, I know I've not wasted time and have made headway, even if it was only small. I also notice it helps to 'shift' me into the academic mindset. I've just done this myself... the last 2 days I have only managed 'mechanical' tasks on my assignment, but I am noticing that before I've read anything I already have an idea where I'm going with it.
I think I'm finding that every time I get to a point where I question whether or not I can do this (by this I mean academia related activities) and say I can't, I have a day or two where I feel completely void and hopeless, but the strength rises again. Maybe it's not about how many times we fall down, but how many times we get back up?
That's totally me too. In every assignment I do, I collapse all over it for a couple of days. Then something happens, maybe it's panic I don't know, but I get up and just kick it out of me. I think it is how many times we get up, each time i do that, I feel that I have surprised myself because I thought I couldn't do it. Empowerment is so important in anything in life, and I take it where I find it. I also think it's how you deal with things that's important, and I can tell you are preparing yourself, thinking ahead, and trying to judge what will help you rather than waiting until the 'sinking hole'. Good stuff.
Okay, for whatever reason today, I feel the desire to look at journals I wrote when my primary abuse was occurring. I don't know that it's the smartest thing, given that I'm trying to write a twenty page paper in the next few days and prepare for an exam as well but my mind wants to go there.
For what it's worth... this happens to me too. I find I get more symptoms, more triggers, and find myself in places I don't really want to go right in the middle of an assignment. Do I think that's a procrastination issue? No... why on earth would you do that to yourself? I actually think it's stress-related. PTSD gets worse in times of high stress... assignments are stressful, moreso when coping with PTSD... which is why it is so hard to do, and why it takes us longer to do it all. And why allowing yourself the time for when you need to go 'okay, PTSD is playing havoc, need time out to sort myself out' is important. When you're stressed, this will happen. So it's important to acknowledge it, prepare for it, and manage it. I think accepting PTSD affects us, and learning to prepare and manage that, then nothing is impossible. Yes, it may take you longer to complete your studies, it may mean taking on less and thus taking a longer course, or it may mean getting accomodations because of the PTSD... but either way, it's all about perparation and management and always taking into account that you DO have PTSD... you can't and won't be able to do things as quick as others without PTSD. No matter how hard you push yoursef, you just can't... this is all part of how PTSD affects how we function. However... if you can prepare for and manage your symptoms, then you can do it, you'll get there.
I realize this is not do or die for my life, but for my academics right now, if I don't at least get the exam written - I'm screwed.
Just a comment I thought I'd make... this is a good way of thinking. Remind yourself that your assignment is not do or die... as important as it is to you... it's not that drastic. Trust me, I've fallen into the total panic almost as if I thought if I didn't do an assignment on time then everything would be over. No... there's always a way around things, even if it's as drastic as re-taking a subject. But... in the same breath, the reality is, if you don't do that assignment, academically you're in trouble. So for now, concentrate on that... manage your time, manage your symptoms as best as you can, make it your priority to do an assignment without meltdown and everything else can wait. This is my current position too so you are not alone.
Anyway... thought I would drop by to offer my support and helpful tips I use which may help you if you haven't already thought of them....
Lisa.
