I have thought about your post and I am really interested in how you and others experience your identity as consequence of most trauma and more so in PTSD.
I am honing on this particular quote of yours:
People who know me probably wouldn't really think it to be an issue cos if I care about something I'm really opinionated on it. But it's frustrating feeling like I don't really know myself. And it adds to me not feeling like a real person, just a mirror of other people. Even though I know that's not actually how I am, cos I do like and care about stuff.
It is interesting really why something comes up in our consciousness and all of sudden we start to notice more and more...this is where I am and have been for while about my journey: who am I with or without PTSD? and how much did I eat/identified, digested, swallowed of my parents' feelings, psychological states, their own traumas, beliefs and feelings?
Recently, I read someplace about a little story that went like this: an autopsy was done and they found an apple in the belly so they could determine when the person died was not that long ago cause he did not digest the apple yet. But imagine if the person ate the apple much longer than when found, then, the apple would have been digested and they would not be able to determine the time of death (think of this in the medieval times before technology and other methods for simplicity). It is simple analogy. This is like trauma...especially childhood or long-term trauma not just one time incident. The trauma is so digested, it is part of our blood and bones by now.
Now we are here, some of us have the apple in our belly and can maybe easily determine what is us and what is not but a lot of us the apple (trauma and those inflicted on us) are metabolized and have become a part of us ---so how do I know what is me from my genetics and what is my mother's extreme intrusion into my psyche as a helpless little child?
I have come to this understanding for me and I hope it helps you in your search or at least add another perspective. I learned that whenever I am super opinionated (like I can feel it in my body) or need to convincing others to think my way or strongly validate my view, that is a signal this is not my thing but a carrier from the past – however it can be good or bad (not always bad is what I am trying to say here). It is like I do not need to defend I am a woman (as an example...I am aware some of us get hurt this way and have struggled in this area but for simple example), I am integrated in my womanhood that it is no strong thing but I am a bit (speaking from my internal make up) a bit hard to convince myself or others, I am healthier than I am why is that? Just as an example. It is most likely, and there are memories of this that I was convinced I was sick when I was young child and I was given a lot of meds and stuff but weirdly no one knows what I had and I have absolutely no physical illnesses today arising or related to anything in the past. I think my trauma was the problem but it was blamed on me so I am still protesting in my body but also because I digested this so much and ended up having PTSD - which one is it? the egg or the chicken? Was I really sick from being abused, neglected and am I sick from PTSD today? Both are true but then why do I protest so much that I am healthy because I also am…you see it is fight of the mind! Confusion of time and consciousness. So I accept I am healthy and I have had PTSD and both are true and there is nothing to convince because I agree with my mind and body. Where this relates to identity is we do similar things we believe we need this amount of money to live on but we do not have that and we are not accepting that we fight against – that is confusion of identity. We feel marriage is strong if you just allow the person to do their thing even drinking and gambling cause they are not beating you down and yet we are depressed and anxious about this marriage – again confusion.
Those are easy to see because they are negative scenarios. But imagine when there is a good thing we learned from an abuser and we are so stuck of not doing that cause well my mother taught me to shower before bed or shower before school or something more fundamental like she was abusive to me but also told me often I was strong - hard to take both in and manage as a child let alone as an adult with PTSD.
It is that ingrained. So the way I know I am not identifying with what was put inside of my (my psychological gain from my mother both good and bad) and I am separate from my mother, is I become conscious when I am too strong on feeling or belief that I feel unreal or performing or exhausted or others tell me hmmm really you believe that. I take a step back.
All my ideas of mental health, men, marriage, relationships, pride, family etc are all from my mother's bad side and I no longer have same feelings as my family. Where I keep what I got from my mother and my family is the resilience it takes to live with PTSD and have the unbelievable hope (that sometimes becomes pure denial if not conscious in my family).
So who am I today? I am my mother's daughter but I do not act like her and I am conscious of that and when I do feel or act like the parts I inherited by my upbringing; it feels as you put it a bit unreal in my body! and I do not dismiss that. I acknowledge that and softly and compassionately sit on it.
I saw Jordan Peterson's video on youtube (regardless of what you may think of him), he made a point one time that completely resonated with me in different way than he intended. He said something like PTSD is the result of meeting with evil eye to eye and not becoming like the evil and suffering for the rest of your life because you are still afraid. I vehemently disagreed with him and think that PTSD is like meeting with evil and becoming just like the evil, until (depending on your age) and feeling or the rest of your life something is wrong with you when in fact, you just become like your abuser and resisting it internally or worse you just become evil exactly like the abuser to others or to yourself body harming and other body abuses.
At some point, we may wake up and decide I have the evil raised me but I am not the evil because I do not act like one (not saying think like one cause some of we may think like evil - not discounting myself but choose not to act on what we learned from the evil). But the key is live consciously and not act on evil thoughts that were interjected and intruded upon us as children. And to me that is the recovery of PTSD for me and I think like my mother sometimes but I choose to act differently and it is becoming a learning and a new identity for me.
Long blahha but this is my take on identity and ptsd in my life.
ps. my points are most likely applicable to more cptst rather than veteran or adult related ptsd.
