Sexual Assault If my abuser said she doesn't remember the sexual assault, should I believe her?

[Corvidcore34]

She didn't said explicitly that she doesn't remember the assault, but it happened while she was on a crisis and she says she doesn't remembers anything that happens on her crisis. There have been times where it seems like that it isn't true though. For example, she can remember events that happened while on her crisis that weren't related to her crisis

 

[Movingforward10]

Tricky.
Why would an abuser admit to abusing you?
Brave of you to ask.
What do you want to do: do you want to believe her or is something inside telling you that she is not telling the truth?

 

[Corvidcore34]

Tricky.
Why would an abuser admit to abusing you?
Brave of you to ask.
What do you want to do: do you want to believe her or is something inside telling you that she is not telling the truth?

Thank you for answering me, sorry for not explaining well

I didn't ask her directly if she had committed the abuse but the topic came out about another thing she did to me and my brother (she killed our dog) since I see her regularly, and she said that she doesn't remember anything that happens while she is on a crisis. I've been wandering for years if she really doesn't remember though

 

[somerandomguy]

Why would you trust the person who abused you to tell the truth about it?

What would it accomplish for you if she did?

 

[Mee]

Why would you trust the person who abused you to tell the truth about it?

What would it accomplish for you if she did?

This I think is key.

I have had both admission and denial from people. The admission was partial and tried to blame me nonetheless ( he did but I had a different idea of love, he did but I remembered it differently, he did but I am emotional- I’m sure all are true! But ultimately he did!- ) and the denial I also kind of think the person believed.

But here is the thing- there are studies where convicted rapists will describe rape, agree other inmates they are imprisoned with committed rape, read or listen to crimes like theirs and agree it’s rape - but feel they are not rapists because- reasons-. This is a very common experience with very conclusive evidence. Some might well be correct - the chance that the majority are? It’s not likely.

Very , very few of us are self aware enough to baldly and without martyrdom sit down and assess our wrongs - criminal or inevitable minor hurts to loved ones people we barely know or any other type of wrong doing.

The ways we avoid that differ- some over blame themselves for everything so that not all of it can be true so while we Ahem cough, they, feel guilt they are also at a level not fully taking responsibility all the time because it’s not ALL their fault.

Others deny, deny. Deny. To themselves . To others . And live in discordance .


Most of us to a bit of all methods and have some self awareness too.

No one but this person- and maybe not them, the human ability to self deceive is repeatedly impressive ( ?) to me.

I really like Somerandomguy’s take on this.

Is the person someone you have to be in contact with? Are you safe now? Where can you place boundaries- those questions are more pressing, though the one you are asking is more haunting

 

[Friday]

I've been wandering for years if she really doesn't remember though

- Some people honestly don’t remember anything during certain kinds of psych episodes (like bipolar manias/mixed episodes, schizophrenic episodes, psychotic episodes, blind rage, panic attacks, etc.).

- Some people cannot remember normal life during an episode, or an episode during normal life. A state-dependent memory kind of thing, but tied to the medication they’re on/off.

- Some people cannot remember on meds, but can remember off meds, and vice versa. Again, a state dependent memory kind of thing.

- Some people can remember bits and pieces; similar to a drunken blackout that memory reasserts itself in various ways (broad strokes, but no details; details but no broad strokes, fragments of fully formed memories in a fog of WTF, etc.)

- Some people can remember just fine, but don’t want to think about it, and so actively block it out.

- Some people can remember just fine, but don’t want others to know that (for various reasons).

Where your mother falls on that spectrum? No idea. She might remember everything, nothing, some things, or sometimes.

***

Would knowing the truth of the matter make a difference to you? For some it would, some it wouldn’t.

 

[Corvidcore34]

Thank you all for your answers :) Since I realized that I experienced sexual assault when I was 10 by my mother during one of her crisis a month ago (I only not say rape because it had nothing sexual, she at the time had a crisis and was obsessed that everyone outside our house was sick and forced me to not got outside for a month, desinfect the house daily and to take all kinds of medicine, including applying me up to 3 vaginal suppositories by force daily) I have been very stressed and sad, and I just have many questions.

Now I'm 18, and I asked this question since my mother promised me a week ago that she is cured now (she has been going to a psychiatrist for a year now and she has just completed her treatment) and not fall into a crisis again (her last crisis was almost a year ago where she believed all of the cops in the city wanted to arrest us) I was wondering that maybe if she doesn't remember it I can forgive her, since she is very depressed and says that me, my brother and God are her only reasons to live. I have always seen my mom on a crisis and my regular mom as 2 different people, since she acts when she's not in a crisis like a regular overprotective mom, but lately I just can't anymore. Since I was 10 I have not wanted my mom or anyone really to have physical contact with me of any kind, but lately anytime someone touches me, specially my mother, I just want to cry. Sorry for the rambling.

 

[Friday]

Sorry for the rambling.

No need to apologise. It’s a difficult & complex situation.