If The Story Of My Life Helps Others, Then Let The Story Be Told

[Deleted member 19804]

My goodness, I am so sorry to read what your former employer and coworkers have put you through! Unbelievable that such monsters are representing a humanitarian organisation and that nobody is doing anything about it. You are right; the way you were treated was absolutely uncalled for and very unprofessional too. Reading your story makes me want to punch them in the face.

I've just had a similar conversation at my workplace, where people are also constantly bullied, abused and treated like pieces of trash. It is infuriating that so many bad people have so much power in their hands.
But, seeing as they've already fired you, you're the most powerful one in this situation. If there is a big enough chance to bring those people to justice, and perhaps you should talk to a lawyer first, I think you should stand up for yourself and for what is right and go teach those fools a lesson in basic human respect.

It is true that you were the victim of their evil, but you have to find a way to get out of the situation they put you in. You are not just a victim - you're a survivor. Don't forget that! You are so much stronger than them; you have been through so much pain, you still are hurting, and yet here you are: a kind, wise, unselfish man who loves his family. You could have become an angry and bitter person, but you didn't. Now that shows real character! I feel proud to be able to call you my (internet) friend.

Will you post here once you've made a decision?

thinking of you. Big supportive hug if you'd like one :hug:

 

[RussH]

thinking of you. Big supportive hug if you'd like one

Thanks, Snow, love you too ( as much as you can platonically love an internet friend:) I have said it before, and I will say it again, you are an amazing young lady. I just wish I could take all the pain away from you.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I know, Russ. And I really appreciate that. I wish I could do the same for you. But your support already makes this life a lot more bearable.

 

[RussH]

it has been a long time since I have posted anything in my diary, and what I post today, some of you will not agree with. I have wished for a long-time now that I would have a person, a friend that I could be absoultely honest with. Someone I could tell all my deepest, darkest secrets, and not feel condemned, judeged, or rejected. But, my fear, especially of rejection is so great that I could never consider talking about these things, even with my wife or therapist.

I made a decision this week. I posted an ad in the personals. I wrote that I was looking for a friend that I could be completely honest with. I was very clear on the expectations of anyone who replied. Well I got a lot of replies from computer generated responders wanting me to pay money to join their group. Then, about a week ago I got an answer from a real person. I read their response, and I could sense a lot of pain in it. They too, have things in their life that they need to tell someone without fear. ( One of the stipulations to this is nothing illegal).

I read the response, and asked some very pointed things about them, and told them some very specific things about me to see how they responded. The response was amazing! They were honest, noncondemnatory and ready to persue this. They live close enough to visit, but far enough away to not accidentaly cross paths. We have set some ground rules, and are going to meet this week.

I know some of you will think this is a bad idea, but I need this. This person already knows some of my worst secrets ( we have been e-mailing every day) and yet is ready to develop a friendship, and be best friends, howbeit secret friends.

Yes, this person is a female, for those who are wondering, and we have already talked about the risk of becoming physically involved, and both of us believe that would hinder what we are trying to do, and neither one of us wants to sacrifice what we will have for a brief moment of phiscal pleasure. I love my wife and would not cheat on her like that. Some might argue, that meeting this lady and talking with her would constitutue cheating, but I have to do this it find the answers I so despirately (sp) need.

The relationship we already have has forced me to take a look at myself, the things I do, and why I do them. I take risk that do not need to be taken, and this does all go back to my trauma. My relationship with this person is forcing me to look at the things I do the risk I take, and ask the question " can I do this without the risk?"

Being able to talk honestly with her, and it has to be a her, I cannot talk to a guy, it just will not happen, and again I cannot talk to my wife they way I can talk to my friend.

I would not suggest this to anyone else who reads this. I understand that this is also a form or risk taking, but, at least, the reward of this can far out weigh the risk of doing it. I can finally be completely honest with someone, and let them see the real me without fear of rejection. By the way, she is also going to be completely honest with me, and allow me to see the real her, the one no one else gets to see, and yes she is also married.

My friends if this works I will get some of the answers I need. If it doesn't, then again I pick up the shattered pieces, put them back together and move on. I will keep you posted.

 

[RussH]

I have recently made a friend, that will hopefully become a very best friend. We have agreed to be honest with one another about .
everything, because, quite frankly, we both need someone we can talk to about things we would never dare talk to another friend abo.

Anyway, my conversations with my friend have forced me to examine my life, the things I do, and how I relate to others. In my musings I realized something; I don't trust men. I cannot talk to men about any deep personal things, how I feel, the fears the insecurities and all of that, and I wasn't sure why. But now I know; my abuse came primarily from males, some of which I considered my best friends, and it even included my brother.

Yes there were some girls that also abused me, but there were only a few of them, and most of the time, it was at the leading of a guy. So, I don't trust men, and because I cannot trust men, then I cannot have a man to share confidences. This also explains why I am more comfortable with a female doctor, and a female therapist.

So here I am a man who does not trust other men. Is it any wonder why I don't have any really close personal friends that are men.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Sounds like you made the right choice to reach out, Russ. I'm happy for you.

Keep in mind, however, that this friendship might hurt your relationship with your wife. It is easy to get pulled in too deep when you find a friend that you connect with so well, and in a way that you don't with your wife. So please be careful - I wouldn't want you to end up alone.

 

[RussH]

@Snowwhite. I will. This friend of mine and I have determined to develop a brother sister type of relationship. My wife is the love of my life, and she is the only girl for me. I love her with all my life. I just needed someone I could talk to, and in doing so it is helping me figure some things out about myself.

Thank you for your concern dear lady.

 

[RussH]

Tyoday has been a difficult day. It has been very an emotional day. I am still feeling very betrayed and hurt by what has happened over the last several months, and the fact that my income has been cut so drastically makes it even harder.
If the Red Cross had not treated me so badly; I would have celebrated 10 years with them this month, and had my retirement fully vested. Now I am not even sure if I will be able to retire.

I guess I just don't understand why all of this has happened to me. Why did my classmates choose me to pick on, harrass, embarass, and humilate. Why did they feel the need to push me beyond the breaking point, and cause this phychological injury, that now 40 years later factors into my losing my job.

Why would a humanitarian organization, instead of being sympathic to my pain would just throw me under the bus, and leave me feeliing lost and all alone.

I am so sick of feeling helpless. I am so sick of feeling like an absolute failure, and that is how I feel. That is how I see myself: a failure.

I am beginning to think my classmates were not wrong; they saw me as nothing but a loser, and that is sure how I am feeling now. This really stinks.

 

[RussH]

i don't know what has changed, but I do know this; I have a resolve tonight that I will not let this defeat me. A guy at work was talking about life, and jokeningly said it only gets worse. I told him that I knew he was joking, but I refuse to accept that. I refuse to let my circumstances, or my condition to defeat me.

I refuse to let my abusers of forty years ago to beat me down today, and if I do get knocked down, I refuse to let it keep me down.

I refuse to accept the fact that my retirement, or financial security are gone. I will regain them.

I refuse to think that my PTSD cannot be controlled or overcome. I refuse to think the other long-term effects of my abuse cannot be dealt with and mitigated.

I refuse to live in the shadows of who I am suppose to be, and I accept the challenge to become the person I should have been all along.

I refuse to be a victim of an individual, or an organization. I refuse to let them win.

I may have to live with my condition for the rest of my life; I accept that possiblity, but I refuse to give in to it, and I will fight it until the last breath of this life has been breathed.

I refuse to be a loser, or a failure. I choose to be a winner, but I will not be a winner at other's expense.

I refuse to treat others with anything other than kindness, even it they themselves are not kind.

I am determined to be the kind of person my abusers should have been.

I refuse to live this life defeated. I will hold my head up, I will not be defeated.

I have made a mental circle around the section of this forum for successes, and have set my mind on posting my success. So start watching that section, and you will see my post written there.

 

[RussH]

My mom sent me a package in the mail this past week. She mailed some things my dad had made, and she included something from my past; my little league jersey. When I looked at that jersey, and saw how incredibily small it is made me realize some things.
I wore the jersey when I was 10-12 years old, and I think it will fit my seven year old granddaughter.
I was really small for my age, and seeing that jersey made me realize just how small I was. And I also realize why I was such an easy target for bullies.
I was just so small. The other kids must have thought my size was a good excuse for them to mistreat me and make me feel so worthless.
I understand that in the wild only the strong survive and the weak are distroyed, but shouldn't the intellect of humans, and the moral compass we possess, cause humans to rise above this base level of the wild. Are we not more than mere animals? (my apologies to the animal kingdom, no offense intended.)
I guess I am saying that seeing that jersey has made me realize one of the reasons I was singled out, but it does not mean I condone it.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Interesting, isn't it, how stuff from your childhood can make you see that time so much differently? I agree that bullying someone who is physically smaller is very natural, but indeed humans are supposed to rise above that. Those who don't, might be physically strong, but they are very weak- and narrow-minded as well.

I'm so sorry you were bullied. It is not fair and you didn't deserve it. I'm glad you can see how it worked now, because it means that you're starting to realise that it wasn't personal, it wasn't because there was something wrong with you. It was because they apparently couldn't rise above the mental state of an angry baboon.

You are so strong, Russ. And I am very proud to call you my friend.

 

[RussH]

This month, October, is the anniversary month of my life imploding. As this month approached I looked at it with a certain amount of fear and trepetation. However, I have made the decison that I will not fear this month, but it will be a month of new beginning for me. This is the month where my life takes a positive turn, and now I am looking forward to seeing what happens this month.

I am a christian, and I believe that God is in this, and He has given me reason to hope, and I am confident that by the end of this month I will have some very positive news to share with all on the forum.