If The Story Of My Life Helps Others, Then Let The Story Be Told

[Deleted member 19804]

Russ, I know I have told you this many times before, but it's still very much the truth: you are very strong for staying so positive, especially in a time of so much negative significance. I'm very proud of you.

Have you talked to your wife about this? I'm sure she is very proud of you too, whether this will be a good month or a terrible one.

:hug:

 

[intothelight]

Russ,

I like the positive attitude as to get through the month(s) that trauma or its fallout occurred can be a challenge. One way that diaries help as we can go back in a point in time, and even though that particular point was really bad, we can see the journey from that point. If it ever feels a little overwhelming, take a look at where you were and where you are now and it is very, very hopeful.

 

[RussH]

@intothelight last year at the end of october,as this happened then, I was badly shaken emotionally, I was extremely anxious wanting to hide, very hurt, and reliving the emotional pain of my trauma in a severe flashback, and that was just the first week.
By the time is was all said and done I was on antianxiety medication, unemployeed and borderline depressed, if not actually depressed.

So, I have a real appreciation of where I am at today as opposed to then; I still need to see marked improvement in my employment situation but that is, I am sure, about to happen.

Thank you for your encouragement.

 

[ms spock]

If the Red Cross had not treated me so badly; I would have celebrated 10 years with them this month, and had my retirement fully vested. Now I am not even sure if I will be able to retire.

I guess I just don't understand why all of this has happened to me. Why did my classmates choose me to pick on, harrass, embarass, and humilate. Why did they feel the need to push me beyond the breaking point, and cause this phychological injury, that now 40 years later factors into my losing my job.

Why would a humanitarian organization, instead of being sympathic to my pain would just throw me under the bus, and leave me feeliing lost and all alone.

I am so sick of feeling helpless. I am so sick of feeling like an absolute failure, and that is how I feel. That is how I see myself: a failure.

Your classmates were very wrong RussH. They were very wrong indeed. It is hard to have these lingering feelings, trying to make sense of what doesn't make sense. The senseless societal cruelty. How could people stand by? I often ask that question myself. I feel for you. I don't have anything much to say except I understand that cycle of feeling/thinking.

 

[ms spock]

I'm glad you can see how it worked now, because it means that you're starting to realise that it wasn't personal, it wasn't because there was something wrong with you. It was because they apparently couldn't rise above the mental state of an angry baboon.

It is also about using people as scapegoats so deeper truths can be repressed and acted out on other people.

 

[ms spock]

I refuse to let my abusers of forty years ago to beat me down today, and if I do get knocked down, I refuse to let it keep me down.

I refuse to be a loser, or a failure. I choose to be a winner, but I will not be a winner at other's expense.

I am determined to be the kind of person my abusers should have been.

I have made a mental circle around the section of this forum for successes, and have set my mind on posting my success. So start watching that section, and you will see my post written there.

This is inspiring reading @RussH.

 

[RussH]

I was triggered at work yesterday. I customer went off on me for no reason, and his complaint about a store progam quickly turned into a personal attack that bordered on verbal abuse. after the customer left the store; the store owner came up to me and told me the customer had callled and complained about me.
I did make an attempt to resolve the issue with the customer, but in no way argued with him, and yet that is what he said.
As a result, I was triggered.
It is so hard when something small like this happens, and you overreact to it. I am sure my boss didn't understand why I was standing there with tears flowing down my eyes and trimbling from head to toe, but that is exactly what I was doing. And the hard part is; unless you have PTSD, you don't understand PTSD.

So, again I find myself in a place where I feel humilated by my response to something any normal person should be able to handle. And I am left wondering how I will be able to function successfully in society at large. If a stranger can trigger me, especially in a situation that I have performed very well at in the past, how can I possibly think that I will be able to handle. I have always been good at conflict resolution when it came to business / customer situations, but this situation was left unresolved and me in tears.

God knows I hate what ptsd does to me, and when I see how my former employers actions toward me last year has damaged me, it makes me sick. Although I know logically that I did nothing to deserve the abuse I have suffered, and the resulting PTSD, I still find myself asking why did I deserve this? What is it about me that makes people think it is ok to rale at me, or verbalbly abuse me? I just don't understand.
Sometimes I just want to climb into a box and hide.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Hey Russ,

I have had the same conversation with myself this past week; the why of it all. Why do we whom endure the worse have to keep enduring it as we try to attempt to heal from the aftermath: PTSD.

I have no answers for you, but please make that box bug enough for two my friend.

:hug:

 

[RussH]

but please make that box bug enough for two my friend.

There is always room for you ghosty:)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Dear Russ,
I know what it's like to feel uncertain if you'll ever completely function as normally as others in society. It is unfair that that customer did that to you. The funny thing is, that both you and he are equal parts of 'society at large', but you are so completely different. I know you would never do such a thing if you were in his position. In that part, I think you are functioning better than he is.

Russ, it is okay to feel like crap after being triggered and to want to hide. You don't have to be perfect. ou have been through more than any good man like yourself deserves. God only knows why that is. But in spite of it all, you are still standing. To me, that shows true character.

I know things are very hard and stressful for you right now, but try to give yourself a little bit of your kindness too. You deserve it.

Sending you a big hug,

Your friend, Snow

 

[RussH]

Well the end of October is at hand, and so far the only news I have to share is hearing the word no too many times.
This does not mean I have given up, because I haven't, but I will not make any attempt today.

One thing I have noticed about myself this year is the mood swings. I use to never have them; at least to this degree. Yes, I know it is true that every human experiences periodic times of feeling blue, but this is different than anything I have ever experienced.
The swings are not profound, but they are still there. I am equally sure that part of this present blueness is from hearing "no" to a job oppoortunity that I really expected to get, so again I have heard the word "no" too many times.

I do know that there is a yes out there; I just have to find it. But not today.

 

[RussH]

I was reading through some post, and I read a response by Anthony regarding PTSD. He said that we cannot make friends with ptsd; it is our tenemy. It will control our lives, and will lie to us about who we are, and what we are.

So, I have been thinking about this, and realize how ptsd has lied to me all of my life. It has made me feel less than human, unworthy, unlovable and a complete failure. PTSD has lied to me. That thought, in itself is liberating.

The bible refers to satan as the father of lies, and in many ways the nature of ptsd mirrors that of satan. I am not saying that ptsd is satan or a demon, but rather it serves as a metaphor; a focus point if you will.

General tzu said to "know your enemy"; know his ways, how he thinks, how he acts, what motivates him, and his tactics. If you know your enemy, then you can defeat your enemy.
So, it is my intent to stop listening to the lies of my enemy, and to start embracing the truth. I will no longer think of myself as insignificant, or worthless, but will endeavor to recognize my significance and my worth, and will prove myself to be human in a good way.

Will ptsd continue to lie to me? Yes, but it is my choice to believe the lie, or to reject it, and by God's grace I will reject the lie and embrace the truth.