If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma

[ms spock]

It is @April34! I related to what you write.

 

[April34]

It is @April34! I related to what you write.

Hey Ms Spock! Thanks. You know, I actually didn't really think I was " messed up" from my childhood. Maybe I was, but at least I was a hard working, extremely empathetic, good natured human being. I may have been somewhat co dependent and way too eager to make people happy, but I didn't know that was a bad trait. What it it DID do was attract abusive people into my life like my husband that shot himself in front of me. THAT is what really f*cked me up. And I thought I overcame that tragedy too. I did. Only for it to resurface slowly through years, corroding my life, until I was forced to deal with it. That is how I see it anyway

 

[Lionheart]

I don't know if I am following the conversation/thread correctly, but I am a early child abuse survivor and my therapist says that I am a "amalgamation" of pieces of myself rather than having had a developmental 'flow'.

Anyway I was able to form a self, but it was a self twisted by emotional and sexual abuse. I was an object not a human being. However, some of my likes and dislikes were not touched by the trauma and I consider that the development of my "normal" pre-PTSD self.

I think my greatest confusion surrounded sex and sexuality; my identity and preference were very confusing subjects for me and it has taken decades to sort it out.

I only have a few moments in time when I felt pure, innocent, and free from abuse, and that is what I ground to when I am having difficulties. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have those memories of that time before the PTSD.

I hope this is helpful in some way, I have a hard time reading long threads and did not get all of the information....my apologies

Lion

 

[halflifeguy]

"If you didn't have a chance to build a self before the trauma/s then how do you find out who you are?"

It's been 15 years in recovery and I'm still learning who I am. I'm often pleasantly surprised by what I can do or interested in... and I'm only "me" when I'm alone or with strangers. Even then I feel lost and without motivation. Some therapy (talk and hypno) but mostly reading developmental psychology and PTSD books has given me insight to dismantle the faces and mechanisms I need to cast off to be free.

On the argument for 'your identity is what you have become, living with your symptoms', I don't relate to that.

 

[Ironlady]

I have no pre-trauma time. The abuse started when I was in diapers and I potty trained at 14 month...

Me to a T.

 

[Teasel]

I very much relate to not having any secure sense of self before neglect and abuse.

I came across this quote sometime recently

Age does not diminish the pain of a lost identity, says Margaret Humphreys, international director of the Child Migrants Trust.

There are some things I knew about myself from very young but they absolutely cpuld be as a result of the terrible neglect

I was very quiet, unlike my friends babies, I did not cry expecting my needs to be met! Also from very young I knew deep down iI was contemptable to others. I knew they could see it. I couldn't bear to be uncaring or cruel or let others feel left out.

 

[OrganicRobot]

Well I know with myself, I've always been very strong mentally and curious. My parents and family would tell me about the little me. How I was always alert even when I was little and very aware. And if I hit my head on the corner of table I would laugh. The abuse began when I was three, but I always fought it. I don't allow it to define my core self, but after many years in my early twenties I have to go back and do a lot of self-identity reflections. Which was helpful.

There are parts of myself that have come about from the trauma, but I seek to expel them or fix the broken parts of me.

 

[DreamLover]

I struggle with this question frequently - not necessarily about having a sense of self, but of having a sense of place and security to draw upon. As someone abused by both parents growing up - parents who (of course) were supposed to provide a stable foundation - how can I possibly go out into the world and trust people?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think I have no pre trauma time in my life. I built a pretend, fake self that I was unaware of until I was thirty years old and began therapy. Then I felt as if all of me had been picked up by the ankles and every part and remnant of my false self was gone, emptied out of me and I had to start from scratch. I am still a work in progress of who am I but it is so much better now.

I had so much to learn and unlearn and am still in process on this one. I have gone from a self loathing pitiful people pleasing person to who I am today and it took a very long time and effort to get to where I am today. I realize this is a old thread but read all of it and learned more.

These days I am still developing an authentic self and I think I will the rest of my life.

 

[Teasel]

It's really good to read your post @gizmo as I realise facing me is the very same task. Very good to hear you've managed so well.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Berlinda :hug:

 

[trying2movefwd]

I know this thread has been around a while but I really do wonder the same thing. I hate being "lost in myself ", slowly I am discovering who I am. Im way at the beginning of self discovery though. One " aha" I had was during PHP the other day, I made this "story" of what I thought life would look like if a miracle happened and I no longer had mental health struggles. In this "story", I was a social butterfly who enjoyed being with others. I had thought I was an introvert until that time. No, I just don't trust so I isolate. I know this about myself now. But today Im still hiding out at home. :/