If You Do Not Like To Be Touched.....How Do You Maintain A Healthy Relationship?

[pandora]

There was a poll I read earlier about being touched...for anyone that replied that they do not like to be touched...How do you maintain a healthy relationship with a person of the opposite sex. If you ever experienced this and are now in a relationship....How did you manage to overcome this or explain this to a potential partner?

 

[krillco]

I try to help folks by offering some suggestions on how to approach touch; mostly having the stressed partner in complete control of the touching: either they do all of the touching, with their partner only receiving, or the partner allowing the stressed partner to do 'hand over hand' (the stressed partner puts their hand over their partner's, and controls the movement).

Key to the process is helping the couple to maintain an emotional 'connection' during the touch.

 

[TLight]

I've been experimenting with this with my BF. Probably this is mostly unbenouced to him, but I think controlling the situation is really important, pandy. You need to be the one that controls, decides, and this implies initiating the behavior. Men need sex, or at least that's what I learned growing up. But I'm learning now, that they also need intimacy, which is really really different!

It can be a really wonderful experience! You will find a guy. Not just a lover, but one who can help you through all of this. I did and I truly DID NOT think it was possible.

It is, hang in there, be picky and know you are a JWELELL(SP?)

 

[pandora]

Thanx t light...right now it is still hard for me to realize that there are people out there that will be nice and supportive and NOT throw me away like a piece of garbage when the going got rough...I got thrown away. Emotionally I don't want to have that happen again..I know I am learning more and will defihately picky. I would hear I love you and melt...silly.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Well in my experience, men can say, "I Love You", but can they actually back up their words with actions... That is what is key. Many times a man will say all the right things, but his actions are not there.....Sorry guys I am not man bashing here, just stating from personal experience.....

 

[Inouk]

Dear Pandora and all,

My PTSD hub never say I love you (maybe once only in so many years to say... I appreciate you the following day). Regarding love, however, I must say he is all action no talk. He acts on it, it shows and I feel it. But for some reason, cannot pronounce the words. I was tough at first but got over it. As long as his actions speak up, I am fine with it.

As for touching him, it is tricky. I never invade his physical space or surprise him with a back hug. He hates this. I rather approach him, make him aware I am about to kiss or hug him and gage his mood before doing so. The signs are suttle, quick and someone who does not know us would not be able to tell what is going on. They would only see an affectionate or a normal couple not in each others arms.

Touching in bed is however important. In our case it is foot touching or spooning. Foot touching is our code for I love you and you are important for me and I am there for you. Spooning is our code when something goes wrong during the day, need for security or getting warm during winter. It is also our code for playing. Speaking of playing, I used to make all physical advances. But after being pushed back several times (first year into our relationship) I stopped. He now decides if he is into it or not. It is better this way, more gratifying for I feel more desirable and the play is fun. I think he likes this approach for I push him back more than he did (there comes a time when enough is enough... in a good and healthy sense).

It all boils down to respect (and wise advice as Krillco said) to obtain that fair balance.

I would not worry if I were you Pandora. You will find your match (if not already) and will get that understanding... as long as it is a two way street and not a cul de sac.

Kind regards,

Inouk.

 

[pandora]

Thanx Inouk...I get the back hugging thing...used to freak me out. My son always says.."Can I have a hug" I am not sure if I taught him this purposely but that helps too. I guess I am just feeling alone and frustrated. Maybe one day I will find someone that is worth the wait..just have not found that yet! I always thought that this was more of a female problem and not a male one...I need to wrap my brain around the thought that not all men are bad.

 

[Seneca]

I used to HATE being touched. My mom and I would be in a public place, she would pat my shoulder or something innocent like that. I would jump out of my skin, and she would say not to do that because people would think she was abusing me.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to overcome things like this, and what ended up happening is I would feel violated, but violated by myself, not someone else. So the last thing you want to do is hug or kiss someone out of obligation. There will be times when you're ready to touch or be touched, but not all the time.