Childhood If your parent neglected or abused you, please just say me too

[Rose White]

feel like I have solved the puzzle but then go back into a place that doesn't fully understand the answer.

Yes. There is this deep element of confusion and disembodiment.

 

[FMCA]

I wonder if the confusion and disembodiment will go when its time. If that makes sense.

 

[Rose White]

@FMCA that would be nice. I keep thinking “if I can just learn the lesson”. Which kind of fits into the perfectionism thing

 

[spinningmytires]

Me, too.

I suffered from emotional neglect from both parents though my other basic needs were mostly met. I was never physically punished nor threatened. But because I wasn’t crying as an infant my mother-daughter bond wasn’t very strong. And though this wasn’t her fault, she was always emotionally unavailable to me, often lethargic, depressed and I suspect. struggling with self-hatred and her endless pursue for public admiration.

I unfortunately couldn’t obtain this image of perfection she so desires (I was an over-weight child, my word pronunciations suffered and so, I rarely spoke and avoided socializing). At age 5, my mother was telling me that I embarrassed her. And when I would express my anger, she would tell me that my feelings were silly or wrong and that I should learn to change them.

And though my father had a normal executive function he was emotionally aloof with everyone. There were no hugs from him, no joyful play-time shared because he preferred to be alone. And so, I learned to avoid him as much as possible. Unlike my mother, my father very rarely criticized nor praised me. He just didn’t seem to care beyond my very basic needs and his ’no contact’ CSA.

I should also mention my brother’s uncontrollable physical abuse of me since our early childhood. My mother once told me that he was even fighting her as a toddler. Later he was groping me. Saying the word ‘No’ to him meant absolutely nothing. There was also theft and financial abuse. He could easily out-smart everyone with his ‘righteous’ demeanor. while hiding his bad behaviors. Yet during my childhood, my father and brother were the only two male relationships I had — both were lacking warmth and support.

When I was 9 or 10 years old, I had made a nice charcoal drawing of a horse head. I then shown this drawing to my brother. He then took my drawing into his hands and immediately crumpled it into a ball. Then he held this crumpled drawing up in front of my face and then he dumped it into the kitchen waste basket. He was then age 12 or 13 and never said a word. How could anyone be so blatantly mean!!! This was my home life where I should have felt safe

.

 

[Rose White]

Thank you @spinningmytires it makes sense that efforts to connect feel futile when you’re raised in that environment. Can relate and to the relentless abuse by an older brother. Had that too. His special talent was getting his friends or our cousins to join in. He’s never apologized but I don’t know if I could even receive it. Idk. It’s that whole “I deserve it” BS. It’s a comfortable narcissistic place to be. There’s no refuge! Whatever adaptations are put in place to survive are fodder for self-bullying. The self-bullying is a refuge and an accelerant toward self-destruction. I guess self-love is the only way out? However clumsy it may look or feel. And however much crying/raging we have to do to even allow it.

 

[beaneeboo]

The self-bullying is a refuge and an accelerant toward self-destruction. I guess self-love is the only way out?

Self bullying is comfortable. It keeps us in a position and a role (which others have directly or indirectly assigned to us) and there's safety in that. .. Because no matter how unhealthy the dynamic is, we're part of something (a social group), and the self blame keeps us being a part of the pack/ group. It means we're not fully on our own because we play into that system which we arguably perceive as being safer inside it than outside it.

The alternative to that is fully accepting the truth that we're living others' lies about who we are, (accepting that it's their blame and shame that we internalise). But that has huge consequences (particularly when we're young) because it may lead to being cut off / cast out / separating ourselves from that group (once we value ourselves enough to put boundaries down).

But that leaves us alone and very vulnerable. On a physiological level, we're not designed to be alone. We're designed to live in a group system, a social system where we're safer with others than being alone. It's harder to fend for/ protect yourself as an individual.

So the consequences of realising fully, the level of betrayal and dysfunction by abusive family systems, comes at a big cost to our sense of safety, and in many cases, our actual safety. Even though our safety is already compromised within the dysfunctional family system. It's still safer to learn to cope with what we have and be a part of the pack. Or at least, that's how it feels, very strongly.

And there's the dilemma. How to keep living like that with so much dissonance still living with / keeping up with your dysfunctional family whilst knowing it's really wrong for you at the same time?. Well, we can't. We can't see and live both realities simultaneously. Not if we're going to realise our real positron in it all/ how we're being treated in it, and stay as a part of it all at the same time.

But if we do allow ourselves to realise it fully, it comes at a cost, because we'll likely have to leave. So what's the alternative if we just can't allow ourselves to fully realise it? If you can't beat em, join em. Self blame allows us, in some twisted way, to keep the only safety we know and continue being a part of 'something'. As opposed to nothing.

Self blame is almost a subconscious choice to play that role to keep us in the group. Play along with the position we've been assigned. Because at least there is a position. We're a part of that something.

It gets back to that other convo a few of us are having about neglect and the trauma of the seeming nothingness of some of our childhood experiences. The terror of ending up alone (because that's what so many of us have experienced through our childhoods, even if we aren't physically alone), is arguably worse than being a part of a dysfunctional family.

At least that's how I'm putting the pieces together and seeing things. When I'm not triggered. And when I'm in my current state. Ask me another day and I'll give another answer

 

[Rose White]

Yes @beaneeboo I understand. Thank you for that clear explanation. Having a role or function is evidence of belonging. It’s so tragic. And the T’s tell us we can change and we see evidence that we can change. What f*cks with my mind is the fundamental welding of discomfort/pain and safety/familiarity. Belonging itself hearkens—seems to require—pain/discomfort. So even when I’m alienated I can trick myself (rationalize?) into a sense of belonging through the self-bullying. That’s tragic.

And why self-love can feel deadening—it might collapse our sense of belonging. It’s so much. When I feel this overwhelm I try to lose myself in work, OCD rituals, or if I’m lucky go to nature. The idea of reaching out when I feel this overwhelm doesn’t usually make sense because I’m feeling hyper aware of how “off” I am and don’t want to lose whatever social credit I’ve built up.

 

[beaneeboo]

Yes @beaneeboo I understand. Thank you for that clear explanation. Having a role or function is evidence of belonging. It’s so tragic. And the T’s tell us we can change and we see evidence that we can change. What f*cks with my mind is the fundamental welding of discomfort/pain and safety/familiarity. Belonging itself hearkens—seems to require—pain/discomfort. So even when I’m alienated I can trick myself (rationalize?) into a sense of belonging through the self-bullying. That’s tragic.

And why self-love can feel deadening—it might collapse our sense of belonging. It’s so much. When I feel this overwhelm I try to lose myself in work, OCD rituals, or if I’m lucky go to nature. The idea of reaching out when I feel this overwhelm doesn’t usually make sense because I’m feeling hyper aware of how “off” I am and don’t want to lose whatever social credit I’ve built up.

Exactly

Hugs if you want

 

[Rose White]

Yes I do. Back at you! @beaneeboo

 

[dharmaBum]

me too! And while this became sooooo apparent, more than I had even realized, during prolonged exposure (PE) therapy for criminal trauma caused by a different offender in childhood, the PE practitioner was like, "not my specialty," and I returned to feeling forever adrift about getting professional treatment for this. Amnesty for survivors of child abuse! We deserve to walk in a door at any moment of our lives and be met with comprehensive treatment options. It was never our fault.

 

[Rose White]

@dharmaBum we do deserve that. I appreciate your spirit. It’s alarming how difficult it is to find helpful treatment for recovery from abuse by caregivers.

 

[beaneeboo]

Self bullying is comfortable. It keeps us in a position and a role (which others have directly or indirectly assigned to us) and there's safety in that. .. Because no matter how unhealthy the dynamic is, we're part of something (a social group), and the self blame keeps us being a part of the pack/ group. It means we're not fully on our own because we play into that system which we arguably perceive as being safer inside it than outside it.

The alternative to that is fully accepting the truth that we're living others' lies about who we are, (accepting that it's their blame and shame that we internalise). But that has huge consequences (particularly when we're young) because it may lead to being cut off / cast out / separating ourselves from that group (once we value ourselves enough to put boundaries down).

But that leaves us alone and very vulnerable. On a physiological level, we're not designed to be alone. We're designed to live in a group system, a social system where we're safer with others than being alone. It's harder to fend for/ protect yourself as an individual.

So the consequences of realising fully, the level of betrayal and dysfunction by abusive family systems, comes at a big cost to our sense of safety, and in many cases, our actual safety. Even though our safety is already compromised within the dysfunctional family system. It's still safer to learn to cope with what we have and be a part of the pack. Or at least, that's how it feels, very strongly.

And there's the dilemma. How to keep living like that with so much dissonance still living with / keeping up with your dysfunctional family whilst knowing it's really wrong for you at the same time?. Well, we can't. We can't see and live both realities simultaneously. Not if we're going to realise our real positron in it all/ how we're being treated in it, and stay as a part of it all at the same time.

But if we do allow ourselves to realise it fully, it comes at a cost, because we'll likely have to leave. So what's the alternative if we just can't allow ourselves to fully realise it? If you can't beat em, join em. Self blame allows us, in some twisted way, to keep the only safety we know and continue being a part of 'something'. As opposed to nothing.

Self blame is almost a subconscious choice to play that role to keep us in the group. Play along with the position we've been assigned. Because at least there is a position. We're a part of that something.

It gets back to that other convo a few of us are having about neglect and the trauma of the seeming nothingness of some of our childhood experiences. The terror of ending up alone (because that's what so many of us have experienced through our childhoods, even if we aren't physically alone), is arguably worse than being a part of a dysfunctional family.

At least that's how I'm putting the pieces together and seeing things. When I'm not triggered. And when I'm in my current state. Ask me another day and I'll give another answer

This @Rose White

Also @Movingforward10