Hi everyone. I'm glad to have found this forum. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after years of thinking that I was suffering from depression and OCD. I started seeing a therapist recently after recognizing unsettling patterns in my interpersonal relationships. This is the first time I have sought therapy since I was 16 years old (12 years ago). The new diagnosis makes a lot more sense to me and I'm feeling very optimistic that I will be able to learn how to deal with these issues and create a healthy life for myself.
In a nutshell, I was abused as a child and adolescent. I was sexually abused by a cousin at age 3, which paved the way for a line of unhealthy relationships with men, including an inappropriate relationship with one of my high school teachers (later fired for molesting students). I was locked up in a small room every day at the age of 6 by a manic depressive grandmother who told me I was ugly. As a teenager, my father held me against my will in an apartment in an unfamiliar location for two weeks, until a friend found me and picked me up late one night and I ran away to Europe. Yeah, I know, my life sounds like some kind of crazy soap opera. There is more, but I don't want to write my entire life story here. Almost nobody can relate to the experiences I have had and the trauma I deal with every day, hence the (tongue-in-cheek) title of this post.
My greatest fears involve lack of control and feeling trapped, as well as being alone with men. I am currently in a relationship with a very supportive, kind, gentle man who knows about these issues and is very patient with me. However, I know that my unpredictability and my moods hurt him. Every now and then I am overcome with fear that he is trying to control me and keep me from progressing, to keep me locked up so to speak. It is hard for me to trust that anyone truly loves and cares for me when I have had so many experiences of abuse and loss of control. He doesn't really understand PTSD and has said a couple of times that he thinks I am bipolar, which I know I am not, but I understand this assumption. I become angry and scared for reasons he doesn't understand. He is going to accompany me to my next therapy session so we can get some help dealing with the effects of PTSD on relationships.
It's kind of amazing that I am even able to talk about these things with him. Being open and honest about my past and my feelings about it has never been a strength of mine. Whenever I have become this close to a person, I have always freaked out and run away out of fear and panic. I am determined not to do that this time.
My username comes from Pippi Longstocking, my lifelong fictional heroine and role model. I admired her strength and fearlessness as a child and still do.
Thank you for providing this space. I look forward to getting to know all of you.
In a nutshell, I was abused as a child and adolescent. I was sexually abused by a cousin at age 3, which paved the way for a line of unhealthy relationships with men, including an inappropriate relationship with one of my high school teachers (later fired for molesting students). I was locked up in a small room every day at the age of 6 by a manic depressive grandmother who told me I was ugly. As a teenager, my father held me against my will in an apartment in an unfamiliar location for two weeks, until a friend found me and picked me up late one night and I ran away to Europe. Yeah, I know, my life sounds like some kind of crazy soap opera. There is more, but I don't want to write my entire life story here. Almost nobody can relate to the experiences I have had and the trauma I deal with every day, hence the (tongue-in-cheek) title of this post.
My greatest fears involve lack of control and feeling trapped, as well as being alone with men. I am currently in a relationship with a very supportive, kind, gentle man who knows about these issues and is very patient with me. However, I know that my unpredictability and my moods hurt him. Every now and then I am overcome with fear that he is trying to control me and keep me from progressing, to keep me locked up so to speak. It is hard for me to trust that anyone truly loves and cares for me when I have had so many experiences of abuse and loss of control. He doesn't really understand PTSD and has said a couple of times that he thinks I am bipolar, which I know I am not, but I understand this assumption. I become angry and scared for reasons he doesn't understand. He is going to accompany me to my next therapy session so we can get some help dealing with the effects of PTSD on relationships.
It's kind of amazing that I am even able to talk about these things with him. Being open and honest about my past and my feelings about it has never been a strength of mine. Whenever I have become this close to a person, I have always freaked out and run away out of fear and panic. I am determined not to do that this time.
My username comes from Pippi Longstocking, my lifelong fictional heroine and role model. I admired her strength and fearlessness as a child and still do.
Thank you for providing this space. I look forward to getting to know all of you.
