I'm A Jerk

[scout86]

I agree with @FridayJones , The trainer has shown some questionable judgement before this. Actually, now that I've thought about it, I agree with the REST of what Friday said too.

Sorry your friend wasn't more of a friend! (I'm kind of hung up on this fantasy about you and the dog meeting really nice people in the future. Humor me?)

 

[desiderata310]

@The Albatross This morning I wanted to salvage the 'friendship'. It's the only one I have.. had... whatever...
Over the course of the day I realized I was hanging on to a 'friend' who really kind of doesn't deserve the title.
Of course, I was still a jerk in the way I nuked the friendship. calmer heads should have prevailed and I should have just quit communicating. But as I tend to do, I am a people pleaser. I hate hurting someone else so much that I will actually take responsibility for things that aren't my fault.
In this case, it was my fault. I said a lot of harsh things because I was hurting and furious.

I didn't say it made sense, just that I did it.

Re: The Dog?
It was actually two unprovoked attacks. The other dogs were just waylaid and confused. One was at a dog park after my dog had already decided he liked everyone. The second was at a Home Depot under the close eye and control of the trainer.

Truth is it's been mishandled from the beginning. No sense in pointing fingers. I'll take that blame. Wipe it up. Find the guy a really good stable home where he won't be under constant pressure and stop.
Full Stop.
No more looking for trainers, dogs or anything.
It is what it is. If I can't function, then well, I guess I just can't function. Maybe the next course really IS to medicate and continue to just live my hermit lifestyle. It works. Mostly.

 

[Justmehere]

My friend responded with words of encouragement. To which I decided to pick a fight and nuke the friendship. Because, you know, that seemed more appropriate at the time.

I do this all the time...

Re: The Dog.

DAMN. That sucks. It really does.

For me, one of the most painful things about the process of wrestling with PTSD is when I start to get my hopes up about something that just maybe might help, and it doesn't work out. It is brutally painful. It tends to leave me in a state of total loss of hope.

I don't have any words of advice, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. :hug:

 

[desiderata310]

My therapist texted me a while ago.
Asked if I was really ok.

I told him, if "I amreally honest, no.
But it's easier to lie to myself right now."

I can't let it matter. If I let it matter I WILL break down. I WILL come unglued. I just have to shore it up and push on.
Dog will be happy elsewhere. He will be a great pet for someone.

And my ex-friend? Well, *shrug*
I am a really bad judge of character.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Kind of one of those things that pretty much end a dog's chance at service work and the trainer said she was having problems controlling him so I would have problems with him as well. So that kind of washes him out as an ESA as well. If I can't handle him, no matter how many times he wakes me from and comforts me out of a nightmare, he's not going to be able to live with me.

@desiderata310 I am laughing my ass off. Bear with me here while I ramble and snort. Take the dog home for a day and a night. Sounds like you are already made for each other. Were you able to spend time with the dog by yourself? Without others, and the "trainer", and why can't she control the dog? And why did she bring it to you if she could not control it?

What were the steps to this point? Had you ever met the dog before? How long had she trained the dog? Under what conditions were you and the dog introduced? When did you have time to get to know each other before introducing other dogs? Too loaded if all done at the same time or in a short period of time. I'm not that social myself and having expectations and handlers and others thrown into the melee, I'd get snappy. Does not mean I am not a good person, a reasonable person, an adaptable person. Or dog.

Dogs are very sensitive and attuned to oh, metaphysical realms sometimes. Scrappy is fine, I call it doganailty. Ask to have the dog for a day or two just the two of you. Option to bail out if you and your potential best pal on a first date agree to disagree.

 

[desiderata310]

@Changeling
It's ok.
I've actually cried a LOT at this today. Actually, the damn broke in therapy today and I bawled.
You're welcome to laugh at it, I suppose. I did put it out here for everyone to see and comment on.

 

[joeylittle]

The whole situation is just rough as hell, @desiderata310. I'm going to back-up @FridayJones and say, try another trainer first.

I know they don't grow on trees (trainers), but it's actually worth it to get a second opinion. If you're at all like me, you will want to pull the band-aid off now and not go through the pain of a second trainer. But - if you can let yourself find another one - it will 1), help the dog be more re-homeable should you need to let him go, because he's getting more socialization time no matter what just by living with you. And 2), it's like getting a second opinion on a major medical diagnosis. The trainer actually should have recommended some other trainers so that you could go and do that. It's the ethical thing to do (the trainer, not you).

Just my two cents. But mostly, bad news sucks, and I'm sending you a lot of empathy right now.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@desiderata310 I am the ass here. Please accept my apology. Not my intention at all to dismiss the the huge disappointment, frustration, feeling that nothing good can happen. It was Irish humor, black humor. Not funny or meant to be funny. Dealing with my useless Dr.s all week. Finally got one that was willing to prescribe. She did not want to discuss the failure of the other Drs in their practice that failed me and cause huge suffering and harm. For instance, home in foreclosure short sale. Broke foot and ankle preparing for inspection. Potential buyers wanted me to stay on for a few months and purchase a lot of the furniture and rugs. 10 days before closing and 2 weeks post surfer (5 pins, plate, non weight bearing for 4 months) they changed their minds to days before closing. One weekend to move and sell, and nowhere to live with a cast and a dog. Dr. I need anxiety meds NOW. No. Last scrip was 4 months prior for 10! pills. I have never had a substance abuse problem. Just NO. Told that I needed to learn how to manage my stress better. So my laughing my ass off comment was these f-ing experts. They seem to have no clue how they make a bad situation so much worse, the magnitude of their uselessness. Dr insisted that I had to come in even though I had seen her a month before, PCP for surgery ok. No meds then either at request. Friend had to drive me to Dr. wait for 45 mins for appointment, 1/2 hour to useless form filling on the level of my MDD, and why the SSRI's were less than helpful. Nothing more they could offer me. Meanwhile foot and ankle are swelling and in extreme pain and discomfort. Dr noticed my toes looked kinda like sausages. REALLY? WOW you really have keen medical insight, thanks for wasting my time, money and making me even more f'd-up.

My Bella is not a service dog per se. I found her stray on the street. Best gift I have ever received. It just is her nature to be constantly aware of me, my needs, she helps me out of flashbacks and night, insisting she needs to go out. She is low maintinence, yet full personality.

Also, I think I am confused about how the dog came into you life. Through the trainer? or did you find a dog and bring it to the trainer? Please accept my apology Desiderata. I want to work in the vet field, healing and training. Read voraciously on all dog related I can get my hands on. I particularly was impressed by the Monks of New Skete dog breeding, raising and training methods. Some info on uTube, and books at library. Service dog training started in Santa Rosa CA, by Bergin. She has a University there that trains the trainers worldwide. Somewhere I found her dod selection criteria. Disposition, etc. The monks go into this in great detail with the testing they do on the pups. Let me know if there is any research I can do to help. I love to learn.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@desiderata310 What area of the country do you live in, so I can try to find an appropriate trainer. Please don't give up on this. It is very likely it is not the dog. Let me help, I feel so useless it would help me to and learning more about the field I work in is always a health outlet.

 

[desiderata310]

@Changeling
Lots of history with me trying to find a dog, coming to terms with dealing with this, etc.

This was a long shot at a shelter. I KNOW was a long shot but this dog, when I met him was damn near perfect.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/day-of-the-dog-part-il.51919/#post-828119

He knew all sorts of basic commands right out of the gate. Was not a surrender.

In any case, the trainer is free. The friend of a friend who loves to train and has trained service animals in the past. She's doing it because she WANTS to do it. I don't have the money to drop on a trainer. I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

As it is, I have to come up with 1300.00 just to have a service dog in my apartment to make the land lady happy.

I live in central coast CA.(think the most remote part of central coast and you'd find me)

The trainer... she's vetting the dog. She came to the shelter when I found him and did an initial vetting process.

I'm frustrated. I'm sleep deprived. I've even pissed off my therapist at this point.

And... there's the f*cking water works again.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@desiderata310 Thanks for talking to me :oops:. I'm guessing lost coast area. Used to ride motorcycles and been overt every of the beaten path road I could find. Lovely area.

By Law in CA landlords are required to allow service animals, including those for mental/emotional disability.

http://www.serviceanimalregistryofcalifornia.com/

Can a landlord charge an extra pet deposit to a tenant with a service animal, guide dog, or emotional support companion animal?
Posted on May 22, 2014


Q: Can a landlord charge an extra pet deposit to a tenant with a service animal, guide dog, or emotional support companion animal?

A: If you have a rental property that has a “no pets” policy, yet a tenant has made a reasonable accommodation request to have an assistance animal, you may not charge extra rent or get an additional deposit from the tenant, even if it was in order to protect the property from future expenses. Regardless of what kind of assistance animal the tenant has — a companion cat or dog, a therapy animal, or a service dog — under the fair housing laws, it is not considered a pet, but is a part of the disabled tenant’s medical or psychiatric treatment. You cannot change a disabled tenant additional rent or a higher security deposit because they have an assistance animal.

Charging an extra fee or deposit imposes an unreasonable burden for tenants with disabilities who need assistance animals, and it places a financial burden on something necessary for their full use and enjoyment of their apartment that non-disabled tenants do not have to bear.

You can still hold tenants with assistance animals liable for any damage the animal causes, however, just like you hold non-disabled tenants for any damages to the property that they might cause. If you are concerned that the security deposit will not be enough to cover the potential damage, consider charging a higher security deposit for all tenants, regardless of whether they have a service or assistance animal.


From NOLO:
Policy 5: Consider Charging a Pet Fee
Many landlords routinely impose a "pet fee," in addition to the normal security deposit, reasoning that pets typically cause added wear and tear to an apartment. Think carefully before implementing such a policy, for these reasons:

• A fee might not be legal. In some states, such as California, landlords cannot charge more than a specified sum as a deposit. This sum covers the total of all types of deposits. So, if the total amount of the deposits that you charge to all tenants has reached the maximum, you cannot charge a pet deposit on top of that.
• A fee might not be a good idea. Setting aside a certain sum as a deposit to cover pet damage isn't always practical. Suppose a pet is well-behaved but the tenant who owns the pet is a slob. If part of the deposit is marked for pet damage only, you might not be able to use that money to clean up the tenant's mess. Often, it's better to impose a non-specific deposit.
• A fee might be unreasonably high. If you decide to impose a specified pet deposit, keep it reasonable, such as $200 to $300 per year. Otherwise, if your tenant challenges it, a judge may not enforce it.

Finally, do not impose a pet deposit or fee for a tenant who keeps a service or companion animal. Such animals aren't pets -- they are animals needed to accommodate a disability.

:ninja::D

 

[desiderata310]

Thanks @Changeling
I wasn't mad. Honest. Just feeling really miserable.