I'm A Total Failure.

[Lucycat]

obstreperous

I love that word. Don't get a chance to use it much!

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thanks everyone for your encouragement and advice.. I've read them all but right now am still not in the mindset to really reply. I was already not feeling good and had had 3 panic attacks before I got the news about school on Friday. It put me into such a deep depression that I have now gone 42 hours with nothing to eat, and didn't get out of the bed but once yesterday to take Bristol out (my stepdad took her out for me the other times). I am forcing myself to be up this morning.

I talked to my advisor and he said there is nothing he can really do since the financial aid isn't in his office. He did give me someone's number that would hopefully be able to help me. I am going to try to call tomorrow, hopefully I will be in the right mindset to make the call.

Thank you again for your support, I will try to make a real reply later….

 

[scout86]

Good luck! I had an experience once that might give you hope. (It taught me a lot, that's for sure.)

At one point during college, I had enrolled in summer school and was counting on being able to go. Something in the financial aid process got screwed up, the money "wasn't available" and the financial aid office said, even though they knew the money would be available eventually, they wouldn't let me register.

I was standing in the hallway, outside the Dean of the College's office (not really aware of that) raving about the injustice of it all. The Dean heard me and came out of his office to ask what was up. He then invited me back in to his office, called the financial aid office and told them he had a student with a problem and HE thought they could fix it. They did. Immediately. Holy cow, who knew?

I've taken that incident as a sign that there are a lot of "unfixable" things that can really be fixed, if you can find the right advocate. I'm not really likely to take "no" for an answer, until I've pursued things as far up the chain of command as I possibly can.

You've had a lot going on in your life. That's why this is so much different than high school. (Remember the stress cup!) You're doing the best you can, under the circumstances. If you can't re-enroll full time, right now, maybe you can find a part time job and take (or retake) a class or 2 to pull up your GPA. Your first priority has to be getting yourself where you need to be, mentally. The rest will follow, just maybe on a different time table than you thought.

Hang in there and keep us posted!

 

[Friday]

To know: Any W on your transcripts is wrong. It needs to read M or MW. Some professors don't know that, and just fill out a W.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Well it's official. Unless I can come up with some outside sources to pay for at least a semester or 2 of school, I cannot return to my university. They said the extension I had was all they could give, even if it was a medical withdrawal. I don't know what to think, I am honestly in shock…. I need my T but she is out of town :([DOUBLEPOST=1405973812,1405973633][/DOUBLEPOST]Just to clarify, sorry I am in a very bad state right now. I talked to the top of Financial Aid and a student engagement advocate. Both said the same thing. They've had this happen before...

 

[FindingMyself88]

I'm sorry I just need to get this stuff out of my head.

I feel like PTSD has ruined my life. This is not where I thought I would be. Everyone looks so highly of me and all I see is dirt and failure. I tried for so long to be strong and now I feel like I just crumbled. Everyone has always said I was going to do amazing things, and now look at me. I can't go out alone, I can't manage to stay in school, somedays I can't get out of bed. Im too young to feel this way. I've never had a life. never had a childhood, couldn't enjoy the teenage years and now the college years. Im so far behind my friends. Everyone my age is finishing school and getting married, having kids. Look at me. I don't have a job, can't get back into the school I want for now and have no hopes of dating right now. I want a start over, i hate my life. I have no idea where to go from here… Will I ever be able to just enjoy life? Will I ever know what it means not to be haunted by the past?

My parents say either take a semester off or take some electives at a community college. They're probably right. There IS a way around this even if it takes longer than I wanted. It's just the fact that so much of my life has been ruined by PTSD. I'm so tired of hurting….

 

[KwanYingirl]

Boy, that really sucks. A year goes by so fast now that I'm old enough to have a lot of years to look back on. As difficult as it is to have PTSD you still have the respect of all those people that talk you up. You have a disability not NO ability. I don't know where you live so I can't advise on alternate funding sources. Let's assume you don't attend the University for a year. If you take some classes at community college will the credits transfer? That's probably not the point anyway.

PTSD has interfered with your pursuit of happiness. What can I say? I have always underachieved due to the effects of it. I get sad, mad it's not fair damnit. I didn't get my Bachelors degree until I was 46. At least you have a diagnosis at a young age. You'll learn skills to cope with it if you try and you'll graduate maybe a little later than your peers, but not lots of years.

How about taking this time to work on staying grounded and stable. It will serve your greater good. I know how disappointed you are and I just feel so sad for you. Try to treat yourself with kindness. Before you know it, it will be a year from now.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I live in Alabama. Yeah but a lot of those people don't know how bad I am failing right now, I try to hold up a strong front. I am going to meet with my advisor to make sure the credits will transfer, but they won't help the GPA that's in question. As far as my university goes, I have 2 GPAs: overall (all college credits combined) and internal (just the GPA earned at Uni). The internal GPA is what is below standard. So while it will help me keep going and getting closer, it won't help the fact that I have to come up with around $4,500 to pay for a semester of university.

I think a lot of the grief and feelings are coming up from emdr. I am going to print out my post above and take it to my T when I see her next week (God I would give ANYTHING to see or talk to her today!).

 

[scout86]

I think a lot of the grief and feelings are coming up from emdr.

That makes a lot of sense. Although, you have every right to be disappointed and frustrated with the way things have gone at school too.

Is it an option to find some kind of part time job and retake one or 2 of the classes you got low grades in, rather than do a semester as a full time student? That way you could work on the GPA but maybe still allow yourself the time to deal with therapy?

I went through a stretch (well a couple of stretches) where my grades were horrible. Some of them anyway. I wanted to go on and study veterinary medicine, but my grades weren't good enough to get in. I retook several classes one or 2 at a time, while I was working. It actually wasn't the coursework that was the problem, it was a combination of the instructors and the way my brain reacts sometimes. (Which would be PTSD related, I just didn't credit that at the time.) It was easier to get things straightened out in small doses. Since I couldn't get financial aid, it also allowed me to earn the money to pay for the classes.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Yeah, I just think this school issue was icing on the cake. Plus it doesn't help that I don't have any insurance right now and so I can't take my depression medicine, well one of them.

I am trying to find as needed jobs like dog sitting/walking. Due to my random headaches and need of Bristol, it is just impossible to hold down even a part time job right now. When I get headaches, they literally put me in bed for the rest of the day(s).

I am hoping to retake one of the classes. The other two that flunked my GPA were incredibly hard and actually I found out AFTER the fact that they were NOT needed. I had an idiot of an advisor before I changed. Had I not taken those classes, I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't have a great GPA, but I wouldn't be out of school.

A big issue about not being able to attend University this semester is I can't get my insurance back, plus I loose my doctor and psychiatrist. My doctor does work at another clinic that I am going to ask her about. I don't trust doctors easily and I am rather attached to her. If I can't see her, I'm just going to ask her to write me scripts for the time of the semester and not see anyone. I am just as upset about the possibility of loosing her as I am not being in school.

 

[KwanYingirl]

How's Alabamas Medicaid program? Do you think you could qualify for that temporarily til you're back in school full time? Some doctors won't accept it anyway. I know the day is coming that I'll be on Medicaid and I know the docs I have now won't accept it.

I got a Tree loan when I was in school 15 years ago. They're only or were for $4,000. And you can't defer them if you get too sick to work. It costs me $42/month. And there's always Voc Rehab every state is different but they might be able to help you with funding and meds. Department of Vocational Rehabilitation. They were very generous to me on NH not so much in ME. They paid my whole tuition to learn to be an Electrologist and set me up with all the equipment plus a years worth of rent when I opened my practice.

I haven't healed much since then and only work part time but it makes me feel worthwhile.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@KwanYingirl I will look into those! The thing about loans though is my credit sucks due to my parents using it and abused it. They got cell phones in my name and then quit paying them. Plus my medical bills from when I haven't had insurance. I owe easily $30,000 if not more.

Do you have to be on disability for voc rehab?