I'm Already Triggered

[FindingMyself88]

Tomorrow is the day... the one year anniversary of being raped. I've dreaded this day for a few weeks. On top of it my birthday is exactly one week after and hasn't been great in years, but was incredibly horrid last year due to the rape. Very few people know. I've been trying to stay busy, but it keeps coming up. I had made plans to go to the humane society tomorrow but my dad's truck is messed up so we are having to share my car and I don't have the gas to go.

One of my ex boyfriends has been texting me for about a month. It's been okay. He actually apologized and to be honest, I panicked and made things way worse at the end of our relationship. Things were going good until just a few minutes ago. I fell asleep on him last night due to migraine which has ironically been worse this week as well as my vertigo spells. So I texted him this morning explaining and he said "I figured something like that, or a frisky fella came over." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has no clue what is going on so he could not know that would trigger me, but oh my god!! Instant panic attack and flashback, I am still shaking. My dad is yelling at me to help clean the house because we have the internet company coming Tuesday to change our internet. Bristol needs to go for a walk.. I really just want to lay in bed and cry. Some of you know I don't cry, so that is huge. Bristol has interrupted this post like 3 times, she knows something is wrong with me.

My T said I wouldn't have anymore flashbacks from the rape because we finished EMDR on it and I haven't until today. So did I do something wrong? I am a complete mess and just want this to be over! :'(

 

[desiderata310]

nope. nothing you did. I would say this all sounds par for the course.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Yes, all what you stated is normal. You may have worked through it before, but anniversaries are always difficult and will bring back memories. It sounds like you're being flooded, which is not a fun place to be at all. If you don't have therapy in the next few days, I suggest reaching out to your therapist. Maybe even if you do because if today is already hard, I think she would want to provide you with the most support possible tomorrow.

Also, please don't be ashamed for needing extra support during the next few days; if your therapist knows the anniversary is tomorrow, chances are she may very well be expecting you to have a difficult time and that you need to reach out for help. The best advice I can give you is to find something soothing, curl up with your dog, and let yourself cry as much as you need to. Keep writing if It helps. You can do this, gentle safe hugs!

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thanks @HollyBeans27 . She does know the anniversary is tomorrow and we talked about i the past 2 weeks. I had planned to stay busy, but now with the car issues that plan has gone out the window. Plus I've had worse vertigo spells and migraines. I'm suppose to have a training class tomorrow night but I don't know if I can make myself go... but then again my parents don't know about the rape and so I can't just lay around without them asking why.

My therapist doesn't work on Mondays, but we do have a session set up on Tuesday like normal.

My T said I would have the memories and grief to deal with but she said with the EMDR I shouldn't have any flashbacks. Granted it was only 1 so far versus the many I had before EMDR...

I just want tomorrow to be over with!

 

[desiderata310]

Deep breaths there, lady. You've got this.

May I very respectfully ask why your parents don't know about the rape?

It's ok! Really. I am 41 and I've not told my mom about the things that have happened to me either but it just seems that since you are living with them itight illicit more compassion which you are in need of right now.

Bristol's got your back as does your therapist and we do too. Give you therapist a call and tell her you had a flashback. This isn't a perfect science, she will want to know that you has a flashback and might have a plan to help with that

 

[FindingMyself88]

I just don't trust my mom not to tell everyone. When she found out I had PTSD she told so many people. Plus she makes everything about her and would turn even this to be about her and I just can't handle that. I've only told 2 other people (aside from online here) besides my therapist.

I can't call my therapist because she doesn't work until Tuesday and I see her on Tuesday... I just really want to take a bunch of medicine and sleep but Im afraid of that too :(.

 

[ButterflyBean]

You're welcome! I'm glad I could normalize things for you. I'm also happy to hear that you have a session on Tuesday; it will be much needed, and I am sure your therapist will want to be there for you. What is her policy about outside contact? If you can't and/or don't feel comfortable calling her, can you send a text or email saying that you're having a really difficult time? You don't have to ask for anything, that way it's her choice whether or not to respond to you. If she does, she will probably ask you something that you can respond to. That way, it shouldn't feel as if you're crossing a boundary because she is the one who set it. Hang in there!

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thats the thing, I don't have any way of contacting her..

 

[desiderata310]

Well, Poop! Yep, I totally get the reasoning behind not telling your mom. That is completely inappropriate of her. *sigh*

I'm sorry there is no way to contact your therapist. I guess even an email is out of the question? I just hate the idea of not even having a line you can call after hours. Perhaps you can call a crisis line and talk to someone for a bit?

Either way, keep talking...errr.. posting, and be kind to yourself. This is sucky but not insurmountable. We've all got yer back

 

[FindingMyself88]

Yeah, that's the way my mom is. I am honestly thankful she is working tomorrow so I won't have to deal with her.

Nope, I have nothing. It's a non profit. She has told me before to contact crisis line, but I just get frustrated with those. They always say the same thing of what normally calms me down. If those worked I wouldn't be contacting them.

Thanks. I took some of my heavier medications earlier and slept for a bit. I might keep doing that through tomorrow....

 

[desiderata310]

Just be careful @FindingMyself88 Don't take too much of anything.

 

[joeylittle]

@FindingMyself88, can you try calling RAINN instead of a basic crisis line? Might be better, if you need someone to talk with. Sending you lots of good thoughts. Also, sometimes when I know I can't get to my therapist, I write him a really long letter. It grounds me, somehow.