I'm Already Triggered

[FindingMyself88]

@desiderata310 I'm not, I am just taking the max does of my meds to make me sleep.

@joeylittle I can't really call because my dad is home today but I can chat with them if needed, thanks for the idea. I finally reached out and texted one of the two people (they're a couple) who know about what happened. They are my pastors from my home town and are like parents to me. Mama G (thats what I call her) said she would call me today sometime and we could talk. So that is helping a little.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I got to talk to Mama G and that helped. We mostly just caught up since we haven't seen each other in months. I took Bristol for a 1.5 mile walk.

I have decided to go to Bristol's training class. It will give me something else to focus on hopefully. Plus I got good news today. The place where we train at does internship positions for people considering going into dog training, which I am. Ive been accepted for an interview, which should be sometime this week. The internship will be unpaid but once it is finished it can lead to a job.

Just trying to keep distracted.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Well class went good, or better than last week anyways. My trainer did have to tell me to breathe at one point so I got on the ground and loved on Bristol, it helped me and her.

Then I got home and all hell breaks loose! First off one of our hamsters died :(. We think it broke its back. Then my mom gets home and is so f***ing dramatic! Her boss hurt her feelings at work today and so now she's all wanting to quit and crying and yada yada yada. This happens with every job she gets! Then my dad is feeding into it. I let her talk for a bit then I tell her she needs to quit thinking about it and being the "caretaker" that I am I tried to distract her. I went outside with her and I told her "Lets make a deal, while I am out here we don't talk about your work." This was for her and for me. But she KEPT bringing it up.

I finally can't take it so I say "Do not ask what, because I don't want to say. But something pretty crappy (used other word) happened to me a year ago today and all week I've been dreading this day. I've had flashbacks, panic attacks, and memories I didn't want to have. But I have tried my best to distract myself! I didn't want to go to class, but I did. Sometimes we have to distract ourselves or else it just makes things worse." She has the nerves to say "Was the 'thing' because you quit talking to me about this time last year?"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ACTUALLY that was in April of last year and that was a GOOD thing! I went 2 months with limited contact with her. Not every damn thing is about her!!!!! As calmly as I could I say "No, that was in April. It has nothing to do with you. But I do not want to share." Once I say this, she goes back to talking about herself and crying. I finally just say "Mom, I cannot give you any emotional support." and get up and leave.

yeah I didn't want to talk about it, but could she not be respectful and see that maybe I didn't need to be loaded up with all her crap?! I am not surprised, but I am REALLY angry. I don't normally curse. Even if I had told her I was raped she would make it about her! I hate her, I SO hate her!

 

[ButterflyBean]

@FindingMyself88,
It's okay to be angry! You did everything you could to get through yesterday, and it sounds like your mom made things very difficult for you. I am sorry she is incapable of providing you any support, let alone emotional; things are similar with my mom, so I can empathize. That said, I am very proud of you for going to training class! It took a lot of courage, and even though you had to step back for a few minutes, the time probably strengthens the relationship with both your trainer and Bristol, which is a great thing!

I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and that you didn't do anything wrong! I'm glad you have the support of therapy today. Try your best to release any feelings you have. If you need to breakdown and cry, it's perfectly okay. If you need to be angry, go ahead. Please let us know how it goes if you can; sending lots of gentle hugs and support.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you so much @HollyBeans27, I just got home from therapy. My T was very proud of how I handled everything overall, especially my mom. She said I had every right to be mad, but I handled my mom very well. She actually did this small little happy dance in her seat lol..only my T! But I realized that 6 months ago, I would've just taken my mom's crap with no thought to my own well being. I would've ended up dissociating and panicking.

As for the flashback, we think we know why I had it. When we did EMDR before we really only processed when he woke me up and the guilt I had for not locking my bedroom door (i shared apartment with 2 roommates). I think I dissociated during the actual rape and my T thinks it is just not popping up because I am now able to deal with it. She could tell I had great discomfort just talking about the flashback, so we are waiting until next week to set up the treatment phase for doing EMDR on this part. We won't start EMDR until after Thanksgiving probably. Because of my head injury we really take it slow and set up the treatment plan first. So aside from that we kept it light and talked about the positives. I show her a video I took today of Bristol learning a new task. She has known for a month how to retrieve my medicine if I have a panic attack or a vertigo spell. Today she started learning how to open the fridge door so she can learn to bring me something to drink with my medicine. I tend to really go overtime with Bristol's training when I have tough spots..

Thank you for checking in with me, it really means a lot!