Im Conflicted!

[lostforgottensoul]

You said, "The only way ive ever known how to connect to people is through sex...its the only thing im good at,..." Correction... "I am aware that previously the only way I've ever known how to connect to people is through sex. I'm aware now that there are other ways, I need to learn and endeavor to practice them til they become normalized skill sets"?????????????

Sorry Alba, I just saw this. Its a learning experience. I suppose i can say, the only way i know how to connect to another right now is through sex, but i am learning as a baby learns to walk, by falling, im learning by making mistakes and learning from them.

I did cool down our conversation (not only that but learned his age and recevieved a picture....................which came in last Thurs during my therapist's apointment........lets just say that i refered to him, to my therapist...affectionally as "old guy".......... lol)

Anyway, after i did, he took a 3 day break at the same time that i reached out to him and a thread on the other site before cutting for the first time in my life and it was met by silence along with him wanting to take a break which sent me tailspinning which was the worst one yet...for 3 days (before knowing age & before my therapist apointment).

He told me why he did that tonight and said he now knows me better than what he knew then and offered to 'be with me' in messages if i wanted to cut or if i was cutting. But right after, before the knowledge of his age and picture, it seemed my '12 yr old emotions' and 'gitty little school girl' feelings went away or 'grew up' and after i learned of his age and saw his picture i told my therapist "ok...maybe NOT a possible future relationship but still a friend" and so since its been a lot better. Im not say no sex talk, my therapist says i probably wont be able to have no sex talk for a while, he just wanted me to back off the crazy forceful seduction.

That doesnt care about age, or even sometimes gender. My "job" was my "job" and still in my head as what i "must do" but im trying...

A little better?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I can only pray for you.

I wouldnt turn that down. Like I said, I respect your belief, as well as every religon. But raised as I was, it isnt my belief, thats all.

Might want to take some time, if you havent, to read my entire, full detailed, graphic, no holes story as my first post of my diary in diaries members.

After that, if you cant understand and respect where I am...then thats your issue.

 

[Stickler]

This is my pre-coffee opinion and can be taken therefore as highly biased?
That forum mod dude has serious issues of his own.
If he was triggered, he should have brought it up immediately.

My own gut feeling is not to trust this dude. But then again I have HUGE trust issues...:p

I don't want you getting all scorched over this guy who seems to have plenty of his own issues? If he flips out, please don't blame yourself too much, ok?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If he was triggered, he should have brought it up immediately.

He didnt want to because he didnt want to hurt me over an issue that was his.

He does have BPD as well so we both have a lot of the same issues, nut has just worked a lot more through the mindfulness stuff than me.

Did I mention he is in his 60s? So a possible future relationship is out. That would be weird...me, 35 next month and him in his 60s.

He hikes up mountians though and he still works as a freelance PC tech though technically retired.

My own gut feeling is not to trust this dude. But then again I have HUGE trust issues

Ah, he's ok. So far since my last tailspin which included his backing away for a few days, our friendship has changed for the better. He was there in messages for me after i had that stupid 'dog thing' nightmare again...which seems to freakin haunt me...last Thurs after my therapist apointment and he hung out w/ me in messages til 6am EST so that would be 2am his time on the other coast.

He lets me share, whatever. Ive told him more stuff then ive ever put here and he seems to just take it in. He doesnt seem trigger by any of it.

I also dont thing he will be trigger again. He has abandonment issue as well, though doesnt seem as extreme as mine, he was thinking that i was going be like a past person he knew but knows better now.

He's a friend and one I need at the moment....and one that was in a cult in the 80s so he seems to understand the 'programming' stuff and w/ massive knowledge of mindfulness, its all helping.

Thank you for being concerned! :hug: That means a lot!