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I'm dating a much older man: it seems like a really decent relationship but i don't expect to last

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but there's always a point where you can exercise free wil

I could question your logic on this all night.

By default, if you can't think clearly? It impairs decisive ability.
If you can't decide well? You're not deciding freely (as in taking all known factors into account and with full knowledge of what you're agreeing to.)

By the way, what's your guarantee YOU are the one deciding freely? Especially since you're so stuck up in comparisons to someone so close wrapped in the situation that is in HIS interest if you hate her.

Looks to me you're rather busy looking for someone else to blame for the whole mess, instead of cleaning the mess up and getting out of it, before it spirals even worse than it is already.
 
foreveralone2099, by overlooking any need to be responsible in a relationship is not good. When you are involved with another, you look out for them, as they, you. If my mate was doing something that is innately wrong, it is my place to suggest, at least, an alternative to him that rights the wrong thinking. If not, then I am, in essence, an accessory to his maladaptive thinking. His thinking and actions also affect me, if we remain in a relationship. To step back and watch your 'mentor' debase his own character and you refrain from any concern about it, claiming you are not responsible, means you are simply using him as he is you, with no true respect for yourselves or your situation. Not healthy.
 
It’s heartbreaking to see how badly you think of yourself and others. Do you blame yourself for the abuse you suffered as well?

Are you in therapy? If not, what’s holding you back?

it's not my fault that people are abusive to me but it's my fault if i don't learn to negotiate those situations successfully. if i stay in a relationship despite knowing that it is toxic, if i make less-than-optimal decisions in terms of reporting and prosecuting the people who victimize me, this is my fault. i need to be smart and strong. i can't help that people hurt me as a child, all i can do is try to fix myself and make the best of the cards i've been dealt.

if i am constantly quitting jobs because my bosses are bullying me and not treating me with respect, *I* am the common denominator, and have to craft a solution to make sure the pattern doesn't continue. i need to learn from the past and not make the same mistakes again.

victimhood is a real phenomenon but crafting an identity around it isn't useful moving forward.

have been in therapy from time to time, sadly my best counselor was a man and didn't understand that certain dynamics i was dealing with were in fact sexuallly abusive. it's hard to find someone who is any good. i shop around from time to time but i usually don't get what i need and am happy to let a relationship die out when it clearly isn't working to my benefit.
 
When you are involved with another, you look out for them, as they, you. If my mate was doing something that is innately wrong, it is my place to suggest, at least, an alternative to him that rights the wrong thinking..

I've done so and he's listened and he'll make his own decision. That's the extent of my leverage here. I agree it's less than ideal.
 
It sounds like you have a need to be in control, which most of us can understand. There are therapists out there who are good. Sometimes one needs to drop their guard and let the therapist go beyond the "safe" zones we have set up. To bail because they don't meet one's need, repeatedly, says you have a trust issue and only trust yourself. It is good to know that you think you know what you need and want, but from this situation and your insistence on how good it is for you and how you have lifted yourself up to some lofty standards, (as in your comparison with the other woman who has been abused.) says, that you are of a reality check. And we are trying to help you see the that imbalance. We are not trying to be mean. Some of us are scared for you. Because of your faux strength and "responsible" thinking, you are setting yourself for some deep much. I hope you can step back and see how unhealthy this relationship is. Having good sex and someone to talk to is not the making of a healthy relationship. This man is a user of needy women.
 
Having good sex and someone to talk to is not the making of a healthy relationship

but it's one of them. i don't feel that i'm communicating clearly with the other posters here. this

To bail because they don't meet one's need, repeatedly, says you have a trust issue and only trust yourself

for example, is not the dynamic at stake. i think it's easy for someone who isn't there to make a lot of assumptions about what they think is going on.

a lot of counselors don't want to address issues with me or can't see that i even have a problem in the first place, although i tell them i have a history of abuse. even you guys, who haven't engaged with me outside this forum can see that some of my behaviors are maladaptive. that's not rocket science. my counselor isn't doing her job.
 
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