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I'm dating a much older man: it seems like a really decent relationship but i don't expect to last

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I apologize if you took my horror at the idea of hurting someone as vulnerable as someone with dementia is, as rudeness. Maybe I was a little rude. That doesn't change where I stand. I can offer emotional support to the OP as a sufferer, but I can not support the OP's destructive behaviors.
 
was hoping for some insight, "there is an experience imbalance" is a good insight, I've thought of that too. "this is playing off your personal insecurities," is another. i'm willing to accept that. the value judgments aren't so useful however. it doesn't boil down exactly to, "this guy is using you," because that's too simplistic.
You're right, it is too simplistic; it doesn't take into account that you are also using the guy. So, you're using him for affection, support, connection, acceptance. He's using you for...could be many different things, hard to know - and it probably doesn't matter. People use each other all of the time. It's only ever a question of whether you are engaging in something that is doing you damage, neutral-impact, or bringing you a benefit. And those are a spectrum.

Relationships can impact us slowly, over time. If right now you are in a place where you wish he'd tell the other woman, but him not telling her isn't a deal-breaker for you - that's fine. What you need to ask yourself is, 'when will it start to really bother me?' Can you trust yourself to get out before that happens? That might be worth thinking about. How will you know it's turned into a problem for you?

By accepting that you are a secret he is keeping, you are allowing yourself to be marginalized. You're accepting that you are on the sidelines of this guy's life. It's hard for me to imagine that is going to be good for you in the long term. It seems to me like the time would be better spent in learning how to give some affection and acceptance to yourself - and sometimes in order to do that, we need to learn to be OK with being alone.

Being alone sucks. Don't get me wrong.

But so long as this affair is feeding your search for acceptance, you won't need to find it anywhere else. It's a temporary solution to a much deeper problem.

If you got what you were initially looking for - an experience with a guy where he wasn't a rapey sociopath - that's great. It's very possible that you should now be moving on with your life, instead of getting caught up in the dynamics of being the other woman. Those don't usually play out very well.
 
I say this under the cover of anonymity as I’m still trying to get out of my most recent “friend with a married guy” situation. And yes, I’m kicking myself HARD for falling for this shit once again. Being the “good friend” they turn to while their relationship is shit, used in this way, but only a place holder and not valued for who I am.

Yes, I have made many friends online, mainly on worldwide friend finder type sites.

And you are probably sitting there saying “but the situations are different, you are just looking for friends”....

But no.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, ALL married/taken guys who troll for women outside of their relationship are all the same. They ALL give you the same damn sob story about being “trapped” (in one way or another) in a bad relationship. They ALL try to gain your sympathies by playing the victim. They ALL swear up down left and right that they will leave their partner when the time is right.

But, I assure you, it’s ALL a bunch of bullshit.

You are just being used as the “whatever on the side”. You mean nothing and will be thrown away on a whim.

Can you honestly say you’re ok being used as the whatever on the side? Can you honestly say that you’re ok being someone’s dirty little secret?

You wouldn’t be posting here unless there was that little voice inside of you saying this is pure shit. That’s you’re intuition. Listen to it.
 
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