I'm feeling suicidal a bit

[Changing4Best]

I'm Bipolar as well as CPTSD, also have one serious suicide attempt in my past. So this is dangerous to be thinking these thoughts at all.

I am paying for my cremation, and when it is completed, then the thought has been there that I would want to "go." Life is too tough sometimes, as I have a chronic physical illness also, called Lyme Disease (which you get from a tick bite). I have had it 4 times, the first 2 times it was not diagnosed or treated properly, so it became chronic.

There are few good Dr.s in this area, so I don't have a Dr. to treat the physical illness, and the CDC has recently denied that it is a chronic condition, which makes getting treatment for it darned near impossible, as I am poor and cannot afford to pay for my own treatments, as insurance now has won that battle with the CDC, making it something that "does not exist" and therefore, "does not need to be treated."

All my life, since 1990, I have been treated for it with high dose long duration antibiotics periodically. I am on antibiotics now, for a sinus infection. The 1st one they gave me didn't even work, so I had to go back to the Dr. to get another stronger antibiotic. I think it is working, but slowly....

Back to the depression. I hate being sick. I hate being Bipolar. I HATE being CPTSD. Life sucks and I want "out." But then I think of my niece and nephew. They love me and need me. Then I think of my pets, they need me. If I died, it would probably take quite some time for my remains to be found. In the meantime, my pets would die, which causes me to stop and think, at least.

I have friends. I have a job. My client needs me.

But *I* don't need me. I don't want me. I hate emotions. I hate feeling depressed. I hate life.

I don't have a plan. I don't want to have a plan. Thankfully.

I just wish life were not so HARD!!! I am exhausted. Yet I must go on....

Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring, if you do.

 

[Stitchin]

Hi there
I know how you feel, I also think about ending it all often. But every once in awhile I find that I am grateful to be alive.
Just wanted to say hey and tell you I do care, and I understand.
(Hugs)

 

[Teasel]

I am sorry you're feeling suicidal @SheilaKathy

Glad you don't have a plan.

Glad too you have reasons to stay around X

 

[Deleted member 41765]

I care @SheilaKathy and it hurts to read what you are going through. You've been so patient and thoughtful with me regarding my friends murder, so supportive and loving. While I want to say that you can add to your list the many here who need you, I also intimately know the feelings you've expressed and there are times that yes, I hate me, hate feeling, hate feeling trapped etc. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. Holding out a cyber-hand...

 

[Ivi]

Life is hard and sometimes it's easy to find yourself overwhelmed but you have people and furbabies who love you dearly and would miss you.
I know you're in pain. And I know it's hard. But you have come so far.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Oh I care too. Thank you for being so honest about how you really feel. I wish to make it all better for you but I can't make it all better for me either. Know this you are not alone never ever. Just pm me anytime and I will answer and try to comfort you! Love, Jade.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, I dragged myself out of bed this morning, ate, took pills, went back to bed and staed there until 10 mins before I had to leave for work. Then I dragged myself out of bed, went to work, did the least amount of anything I could do, just being there and enduring and then came home. I rested for awhile, but really am too restless to stay in bed for long, if I am not sleeping and I don't often sleep during the day.

I appreciate all your feedback. I'm alive. I cannot say much more about myself than that. I'm not doing anything to harm myself, doing the least I can do to take care of myself, but doing that at least. It matters that all of you care, so thanks.

 

[Gadgie]

I think we all go through spells like that, I connected with your post while I was actually reading it. As I went through all that every day last week, that's why I understood your post.

Thankfully it only lasts a few days for me, but some folk suffer from that for a lot longer, and it's not a nice experience to go through. What happens with me is, I go all latheric and have no incentive or drive to do anything, I won't shave for days, and all I want to do is sleep, and shut myself away from the world.

So, you are not alone, hang in there, it will pass in time, good luck and keep smiling.

 

[Changing4Best]

I wrote my therapist and told her. I also asked her if she has any videos or advice for me. So far she has not replied, even though FB said she was online. Sometimes, though, when it says that, the person is not really available.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

I am glad you reached out to her and yes, the fb online/offline status cannot always be relied on for hundreds of reasons. She will get back to you, I'm sure, as soon as she is able.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am kind of feeling hopeless today because my niece has been bitten by a deer tick and is refusing to go to the Dr. I know I cannot make her do anything she does not want to do. She drives me crazy sometimes. She spent about $200 the other day getting her hair done, but now she cannot even face the fact that most likely she has been exposed to Lyme Disease and do the responsible thing and go to the Dr. Instead, she is "on my way out the door." which means the discussion on her going to the Dr. is "closed." She has OCD and the last time she dealt with a small insect getting into her apartment, she threw out 100s of $s of cloths, went crazy cleaning everything, and now she is more afraid of her OCD than she is of getting Lyme Disease, so she is in denial, even though what she has described to me about the bug that bit her, is obviously a deer tick (one that can very likely carry the Disease). So I am afraid for her, but there is nothing I can do!

On top of that, I am just feeling down again. I tried doing something therapeutic, like coloring in my coloring book, but cannot keep focused. I know I need to see my psychiatrist and probably get put onto an antidepressant, but I hate taking more meds, and the last one made me so tired in the mornings, even tho I was taking it at bedtime. Every time I start a medicine I have not had before, I have to have someone sit with me, because of the time my heart stopped when I took ceroquel. Just in case I should have another allergic reaction again, I have to have someone available to call 911, just in case. Since I live alone, I have to bother someone to do this. It is embarrassing and when I am depressed, asking for any kind of help is very difficult.

So I am dreading all that I have to do to handle this depression, but if I don't, SI could take over, and.... we don't want that. Also, there are some antidepressants that cause SI, so I am scared. I could go back onto the one that makes me sleepy in the mornings, but that has already even been happening with the depression, so who knows if in fact the medicine didn't even cause that in the first place. I am just so confused....

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I agree with you @SheilaKathy so important to have doc check out tic bit for lyme and rocky mountain spotted fever, etc. Also I have run the gamut of rx drugs re depression symptoms however I'm not feeling depressed and now am able to feel the anger/rage within me for so much lost life due to 30+yr. misdiagnosis, and so much more.

When my thyroxine (thyroid hormone is low) I struggle so much with feeling depressed because brain/body system is slowed down; right now @SheilaKathy I have been tested and have too much thyroxine in my system which causes me brain to fire more rapidly and all bodily systems to run faster so I feel in my head like a hamster on a treadmill the opposite of the depressive state. I know how you feel about anti-depressants causing side effects and adverse reactions so please as I know you will be - be cautious. I wish I could stay up with you to make sure you don't stop breathing and hope if you're put on rx that does this you will have friend to help you. You know I deal with sadness, some days deep sadness yet so far it has not traveled down into depression, as of yet (post EMDR). Keeping my fingers crossed.

@SheilaKathy have you ever had your thyroid hormone (T.S.H.= thyroid stimulating hormone blood test) checked because thyroid can fail with people in their 40's on and can cause serious depression and other debilitating symptoms up on top of ptsd depression i.e. confusion, etc. So hope you'll have it checked next time you see primary doc. When I've been depressed I stay confused so I get how you feel. Also understand how you feel about taking more meds, I hate the side effects but when I need to I will.

I want you to know that I truly care.