NaeNae75
Platinum Member
So, as many of you know, I'm a PTSD sufferer supporting a PTSD sufferer. We've been in a pretty rough patch since the end of August. We've been together almost 7 years, and these last few months we've been trudging through. Well....I'm at a point I may need to be done for my own sake.
I would be willing to "take a break" from each other, but I don't think we would get back together if neither of us is working on our relationship. He really hurt me last night....deep down to my soul. I was a "little" hurt when it happened, but sitting here letting it sink in is making it worse. I don't even know what to do. He told me he was going to leave me again, but changed his mind during our T session. (because he had to face reality) Then he decided he wasn't going to stay at my house last night like we had planned.
I told him I thought it was wrong of him to make plans with me, then let me go to the store to get extra food for dinner, food for his son's lunch knowing the whole time he wasn't coming. So then comes the part that has me over the edge... That when he told me he wasn't staying he pointed his finger in my face and aggressively told me, "You should be grateful I'm even willing to be with you right now, so don't push me." Then he got in his car and drove off.
I spent most of my life being emotionally, physically, mentally, and sexually abused by different members of my family. I was told very often that I should be "grateful" for the BS I endured, and how other people have it worse, and how I was never good enough, and how I should "never have been born" type of stuff. Needless to say, this sort of stuff really screws with my head and emotional well being.
Then he came to the house at my daughter's request to speak with him. Apparently she told him that it isn't me putting all of them on edge, it's him and also his son's "acting up" because of the recent lack of discipline on his part since they moved out. She also told him that she isn't going to get "close" to the two of them again just to have them ripped away again. She told him she is upset they didn't stay over. She told me he responded that he's still planning on coming over on Saturday.
When they were done talking, he came in and hugged me and said, "I thought I should come say goodbye so that I don't add to my list of indiscretions right now. Goodnight". Then he kissed me on the lips then the forehead and left.
Well, I called him this morning, because today, I'm even more upset. I told him I'm extremely hurt and upset by what he said. I told him that I see that comment as very condescending....and asked what he meant by it. I told him it felt as though he feels I should worship the ground he walks on and lick the bottom of his boots while bowing down to him. He replied: "why do you always have to take something and run to the outfield with it? Why do you think that I meant that you should be happy I'm here?" I replied, "Because you verbatim said it?!" He said, "Well, I didn't mean it like that...what I meant was that the fact I didn't leave should count for something." So I told him that if I do that, he should be willing to do the same for me, instead of throwing everything in my face all of the time.
It's funny that if anyone else would say something like that to me, he would be upset with them. He gets mad at my parents all of the time for the crappy stuff they say to me. He will chastise my kids if they say something disrespectful to me. But I guess it's okay for him, and recently his son to do. I don't know what I'm doing wrong that so many people in my life seem to think it's okay to be hurtful to me. People will say it's because I'm strong or because people assume I can take anything. I guess I can, but why should I be? Why am I the official whipping post? Why is it that because I am "strong" that they think that should equal it's okay to abuse me?
So what is bothering me the most is that sense that I am unworthy of being treated well. Personally, I think he keeps blaming me for everything wrong in the world. He seems to expect me to be "perfect" while it's okay for him to treat me like a doormat. It's not okay. I'm really struggling today, more than ever for a reason to stay. I'm so tired of being the "reason" for everything bad in the world.
Am I over-reacting? That comment felt almost abusive to me, but is that just because of my own past? Does it seem abusive or over the line to anyone else? Am I just worn out and tired and that's why this seems like such a big deal? I want to be fair here....I know I'm not always rainbows and sunshine in what I say or what I do, so I don't want to make a bigger deal about this than what it might really be. I just don't know right now if I can even see the reality of anything anymore.
I will take whatever I have coming as far as comments go...good or bad.
I would be willing to "take a break" from each other, but I don't think we would get back together if neither of us is working on our relationship. He really hurt me last night....deep down to my soul. I was a "little" hurt when it happened, but sitting here letting it sink in is making it worse. I don't even know what to do. He told me he was going to leave me again, but changed his mind during our T session. (because he had to face reality) Then he decided he wasn't going to stay at my house last night like we had planned.
I told him I thought it was wrong of him to make plans with me, then let me go to the store to get extra food for dinner, food for his son's lunch knowing the whole time he wasn't coming. So then comes the part that has me over the edge... That when he told me he wasn't staying he pointed his finger in my face and aggressively told me, "You should be grateful I'm even willing to be with you right now, so don't push me." Then he got in his car and drove off.
I spent most of my life being emotionally, physically, mentally, and sexually abused by different members of my family. I was told very often that I should be "grateful" for the BS I endured, and how other people have it worse, and how I was never good enough, and how I should "never have been born" type of stuff. Needless to say, this sort of stuff really screws with my head and emotional well being.
Then he came to the house at my daughter's request to speak with him. Apparently she told him that it isn't me putting all of them on edge, it's him and also his son's "acting up" because of the recent lack of discipline on his part since they moved out. She also told him that she isn't going to get "close" to the two of them again just to have them ripped away again. She told him she is upset they didn't stay over. She told me he responded that he's still planning on coming over on Saturday.
When they were done talking, he came in and hugged me and said, "I thought I should come say goodbye so that I don't add to my list of indiscretions right now. Goodnight". Then he kissed me on the lips then the forehead and left.
Well, I called him this morning, because today, I'm even more upset. I told him I'm extremely hurt and upset by what he said. I told him that I see that comment as very condescending....and asked what he meant by it. I told him it felt as though he feels I should worship the ground he walks on and lick the bottom of his boots while bowing down to him. He replied: "why do you always have to take something and run to the outfield with it? Why do you think that I meant that you should be happy I'm here?" I replied, "Because you verbatim said it?!" He said, "Well, I didn't mean it like that...what I meant was that the fact I didn't leave should count for something." So I told him that if I do that, he should be willing to do the same for me, instead of throwing everything in my face all of the time.
It's funny that if anyone else would say something like that to me, he would be upset with them. He gets mad at my parents all of the time for the crappy stuff they say to me. He will chastise my kids if they say something disrespectful to me. But I guess it's okay for him, and recently his son to do. I don't know what I'm doing wrong that so many people in my life seem to think it's okay to be hurtful to me. People will say it's because I'm strong or because people assume I can take anything. I guess I can, but why should I be? Why am I the official whipping post? Why is it that because I am "strong" that they think that should equal it's okay to abuse me?
So what is bothering me the most is that sense that I am unworthy of being treated well. Personally, I think he keeps blaming me for everything wrong in the world. He seems to expect me to be "perfect" while it's okay for him to treat me like a doormat. It's not okay. I'm really struggling today, more than ever for a reason to stay. I'm so tired of being the "reason" for everything bad in the world.
Am I over-reacting? That comment felt almost abusive to me, but is that just because of my own past? Does it seem abusive or over the line to anyone else? Am I just worn out and tired and that's why this seems like such a big deal? I want to be fair here....I know I'm not always rainbows and sunshine in what I say or what I do, so I don't want to make a bigger deal about this than what it might really be. I just don't know right now if I can even see the reality of anything anymore.
I will take whatever I have coming as far as comments go...good or bad.
