I'm just whining - feeling like I'm at my breaking point

[somerandomguy]

I'm sorry Muttly. :hug: But it's gonna be OK.

 

[ladee]

And you keep trying to do the right thing, it just didn't work out THIS time. Doesn't mean all you learned about what to do to refinance the house is lost.

I know you feel very defeated right now. But it's not going to be this way forever and ever. Tho that's what it feels like. Proud of you for trying. That's all any of us can do. Don't give up on yourself. You are working very hard to fix this situation in your life. Don't give up.

 

[Muttly]

@ladee Thank you for sharing your story. I've been repeating "don't kill yourself over money" quite a bit.

@Abstract I am sorry you are also dealing with an ED flare up. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

@somerandomguy my friends do joke that I have the worst luck ever. It helps to hear someone say that I've had some bad luck. makes e think it's not all me messing up.

///

more stupid whiny crap from me... I told myself since the refinance is not going to happen, I'd give myself a break from trying to figure this crap out. except my brain won't stop. And today is a "I hate myself" day. it's just pouring out of me. today being dead sounds so much like the right option. Don't worry, I'm not going to rush out and do it. And yeah, I think about "don't kill yoursel over finances" but then I think about killing myself because I'm stupidly incompetent. I think about killing myself so I am not a drag on my friends and society. I think about killing myself because I am so incredibly tired

and all that just makes me hate myself more. around and around it goes.

I am no-contact with all of my family. my best friend has become my family. I was going to go there for thanksgiving, but I canceled it to figure all this out. I missed it last year because of my knee injury. thanksgiving is the one holiday that I've built up new traditions and have a sense of family around. And yeah, some other friends will probably invite me or something... but I don't know. if you have no family you'll understand. it's just a lonely, awkward feeling. and then comes december when my ptsd is at it's worst.

I'm just so tired of everything

whine whine whine. saying all this... thinking all this is just so freaking pathetic

 

[ladee]

What you are doing is talking about your situation and how tired and pointless life feels sometimes. That is NOT whining.

Whining would be,'I have this whole huge amount of money and don't know what to do with it... ', lol... I know it's not funny. But if you look realisticly at the economy, single women trying to make ends meet, having no family support, if it was me sharing, you would not see me as the things you described. Flip that mirror!!!

You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear!!! Have you ever heard that old school saying??? And glad the 'don't kill your self over money' is going thru your head... !!!

I don't do holidays, and am no contact with my family too. But I enjoy the solitude while everyone is together,eventually getting pissed off about something. But I do understand. Maybe by the time TurkeyDay rolls around, you'll change your mind and go to dinner... who knows how you will feel in a few weeks.

Just hang in here for awhile, and thanks for the update. Even if THINGS don't get better, YOU will. When you look back and see how hard you worked, how tired you were and you kept moving forward anyway... Shitty things happen to good people. It sucks. And it's not fair. But here you are, still trying , and trying to work things out. Give yourself some 'attagirls' .. act as if you mean it when you say it...

Sending tender hugs for you to know you are being heard!! :hug:'s

 

[GinaB]

I don't feel like you're whining. These are very real, very hard things and a lot going on at the same time. Stop apologizing and just lean on your friends or us here for a bit. I understand financial stress and strain and that takes a huge toll on everything. I don't know how much debt you have but please look into Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace class. It's a 9 week class that is all over the country. I listen to his podcast and a many people call in with their victory stories after getting on his plan and paying off huge debts. The stories are truly inspirational because there's always someone with a worse story than yours! I also understand being in a tough job environment. Have been in many. You can either stay stuck or every day take baby steps to bettering the situation. For me just applying for other jobs gave me a feeling of power that I wasn't going to be stuck, that they did not control my future. You sound like a hard worker so I believe you will come out on top of all of this. Praying for you...

 

[Abstract]

Im back on track thanks muttly. Hope you will be soon too. It spounds like feeling less isolated may help a bit. What could you do to get some sense of connection?

 

[Ronin]

thanksgiving is the one holiday that I've built up new traditions and have a sense of family around.

Can you do any of that on your own? /
Can you have them over and share with them in some other form while not physically present?
(Was thinking some times, vid calls can be blazes of connection and laughter and being with the person(s) while not able to really come, so if that might not help any.)

Kudos on having done all that work, Muttly, and finding some peace.
One bad year? Does not take away all of that.
One time not attending? Does not spoil a relationship.
Does not make the work insignificant.

It is just one bad time, or not even bad time, a time things did not work. Just happens. And is not your fault.

 

[Muttly]

I thought I was pulling myself up out of my dysregulation but the las couple days I've completely crashed. I don't even know what to do at this point.

 

[somerandomguy]

Lots and lots and lots of self-care?

 

[Ronin]

Ok, what is most causing issues right now?

What changed since the time you were able to regulate / why does it feel like right now, no chance?

 

[ladee]

Unfortunelty , it's like that sometimes. Not to discourage you, but to let you know you are not doing anything wrong, or not working to change things. Sometimes it's a little lesson we need to learn on that slippery slope. Don't give up on yourself. If you can do it for a few days, now you know you can!!

Maybe starting to have a little trust in yourself might help. You are far from down for the count. It's just the nature of the PTSD beast. It sucks and we all hate it.. just hang on... I know it's exhausting and seems pointless, but just hang on...

Tender hugs of understanding, if you accept. :hug:'s

 

[Muttly]

@Ronin I am not even sure? one of our insiders who causes us the most distress has been out a ton. was out all last night so not sure hhow much real sleep we got. why she been out, dunno.