I'm New So Hi

[Philippa]

As per usual I have stumbled across a support network many years after I probably needed one th emost but didn't reach out, or went to one support group and didn't talk the whole time...which was fine. I still managed to absorb what others were saying and found that comforting to be able to relate to that.

I have been recovering from sexual assault about 8 years ago, and just your basic ongoing emotional invalidation and negation...neglect and abandonment mainly from parents, who don't know how to get their needs met in healthy ways and who were abused themselves.

I'm not one of these people who feel sad about older people being abandoned in retirement homes...though I used to be. I understand entirely why some people choose to leave them to rot, having been on the receiving end of heinous crimes and abuse...they deserve it, that's how I feel now. I have no pity for people like that, unless they truly did nothing and their kids are just assholes.
Anyway, I've been on my own for years now..y.about 9 years, recovering without friends...by choice, though admittedly, it would have been helpful to have had friends after I was assaulted...support would have taken the edge off somewhat...but I managed. I ended up homeless, after dad hit me for getting angry about having been sexually assaulted...and now of course...10 years later, he realizes what he did and feels terribly guilty...like that helps.

But I'm in too good a mood to bring myself down relaying all this depressing crap to you all. I'm sure many of you have experienced much worse things, for much longer than me...though I do not discount my own experiences. Trauma is trauma, and different people can cope better with different levels of trauma. That's what I think anyway.

So, I hope to continue my healing journey with the help of peoples kindness and compassion here...and I hope I can help in any way, by showing the empathy I still somehow have a connection with.

 

[shadowchaser]

Doesn't matter if it's one time or a thousand. Trauma is hard to deal with. Hopefully you can make some friends on here. If nothing else a safe place to get support when you need it.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks so much for your reply shadowchaser.

I think I need to correct something I said in my first post about having no friends. That's not strictly true anymore, as I have managed to find some really wonderful and supportive friends both online and in real life, and I cherish them, although it's hard sometimes, since we all have so many issues it seems.

I'm definately in a better place than I was for many years. I've managed to pull myself out of clinical depression, and have made progress recovering from the assault...actually, there was more than one, the most recent was at the beginning of this year...and I've only just started feeling really angry about that one.

A guy I stupidly had sex with after not knowing him for very long, suddenly started choking and spitting on me and covering my mouth so no one could hear...as it was at a festival where lots of people wander around at night...it's a camping ground. I definately didn't give consent to that, but it was tricky because I did consent to the sex part...just not what he did while the sex was going on.

Anyway, I went to the cops, but they couldn't really do anything except put his name in the computer in case he does it to someone else...which is something I guess. My male 'friend' prompted me to do this...except he kinda did the same thing to me a few months before, but I didn't really acknowledge it for what it was, as we had a 'friends with benefits' relationship going on...but he didn't ask for permission, and I kinda just went along with it because it was a new thing.

I now realise it was pretty much the same thing as this other guy did...and have held my 'friend' accountable for his actions recently , which he did apologise for, but still makes excuses saying "the lines got blurred". I'm having trouble leaving him as he has been a source of comfort for me for the last year or more, as I've been on my own in a new city...but he's just as emotionally invalidating as my father is and I know it's harmful for me to still hang out with him...but somehow I still go back there...for cuddles.

I am starting to draw healthier friends to me, who study to be counsellors, and whom I feel free to be myself, unlike with him, where I feel constricted and cannot ever just feel the way I'm feeling or he'll tell me to "lighten up" or "smile" or that I have no sense of humor for not laughing when he tells me I'm "ditzy" or call him on telling me I'm nothing. He's basically a mean guy who isn't very happy in this trauma stuff...yay!

Anyway, it feels good to just be able to type it out and have it witnessed by people I don't know very well. My female friend here where I live has been supportive but I've been judging myself, so it's good to know there are others who have been through similar stuff here.

 

[Philippa]

Sorry, my computer keeps deleting whole sentences and I don't notice til after I've posted.

I meant to say about my 'friend' in the last paragraph that he is basically an unhappy person who takes his stuff out on me. He was molested and also has PTSD, so it is another reason why it has been hard to just cut contact with him, as I feel like he is the only person I've met so far who actually knows what I've been going through.

 

[shadowchaser]

There are others. Hey a whole site full of em. But I wouldn't hang around this guy. Abuse in the past is no excuse to abuse in the future. Honestly are you going to go force someone because of what happened to you? Then don't let anyone use that as an excuse with you.

 

[Philippa]

I feel the same way, and I don't. I just say "no, it wasn't a case of the lines being blurred, it was you thinking you can do whatever you want without my permission or consent, which is what this other guy thought too, so how does that make you any different"? He has adapted his behavior since...and is nicer for a while...then reverts...so, yeah, I know I need to lose him, it's just very challenging to do it, for me...but yeah, now I've got access to more people who do understand, I guess I don't need him. It's more an ego thing I think...he needs me too...I just don't want to be needed by him.

Thanks, I know it's up to me to change it...and I feel like I have one foot in the door of a new life, with my other foot dragging along and still in the past life.

 

[shadowchaser]

I held onto an emotional abuser for a while. Its hard to let go. Evert time you try to go they either say or do something to prove how much they need you. But what they need is help you can't give them. And staying only makes it worse for both sides.

 

[Philippa]

That's TOTALLY it! He'll be mean and horrible and then as soon as it looks like I'm gonna say adios, he turns around and starts complimenting me, showing me he cares, offering to help me move house (the latest) and I know it's because he needs me, it's self-interest.

You're right though. He needs help I can't give him...and he needs to get it from a proffessional. He has money to now.

 

[shadowchaser]

Then you know what to do. Gotta cut the strings girl and start moving forward without him.

 

[Philippa]

Yep. gee, I'm so glad I found you all. Thanks for being here.

 

[shadowchaser]

Well I don't go out that often and I live with someone who is more interested in video games than talking... so yep it took a whole chunk of time out of my do nothing schedule lol.

 

[Philippa]

Well I'm grateful you took time out of your busy schedule(; It sounds pretty rough and hectic...take it easy!(;