I'm Not Going To Make It Through The Winter

[Jade-]

I realize that "no sense of having a future, or, the belief that ones future will be very limited" is a symptom of ptsd. But for the past month, I have got it in my head that I'm not going to make it through the winter.

I believe it so much that I have already told my husband, my kids, my sister and my T. I want to make it through the winter, but I really don't believe I will. I'm not suicidal, I don't plan on harming myself, I don't want my life to end. I just feel this is going to be my last winter alive. I don't know how my life will end, whether it's going to be a car accident, a fire, drowning, whatever, I just feel it will end.

This brings up alot of different emotions inside of me. On one hand, I'm thinking it will finally be over. I won't have to struggle and fight anymore. Everyone that cares about me will be upset, but they will be fine in time. Maybe they will even be happier with me gone. I wonder what they will do, what kind of funeral I will have, who will go(if anyone), etc.

On the other hand, I feel really sad. There are so many things I wanted to do with my life, so many things I wanted to experience. So many things I regret and would like to make up for. I wanted to be a grandma to lots of little ones. I wanted to see my sons straighten their lives up. I wanted to grow old with my husband. I wanted to finish remodeling my house. So many things I wanted and wished for that won't happen.

I hate feeling this will be my last winter. I don't know how to change what I feel. If I do make it through, I will know it's just a symptom and it will be easier to deal with should it arise again. If not, well then, I was right.....

Since it's supposedly a symptom of ptsd, can anyone relate or share what they have thought/felt?

 

[bluecat]

Hi Jadebear,

I don't know your story, but could this be a flashback? Could these feelings be a memory and you interpretting them as a premonition that is taking place now? I've had things like that happen and it sounds similar. Maybe focus with your T on solving the puzzle of where its coming from, nothing materializes out of thin air, not feelings, not PTSD symptoms, and especially not premonitions, everything has some cause. Maybe its a flashback, maybe you're having some suppressed guilt over being alive, it could have many reasons.

I sincerely believe and hope you will be here next summer it would be sad without you around : )

Best of luck getting to the bottom of this,

Bluecat

 

[Jade-]

Thanks bluecat. I was hoping others would relate since "no sense of having a future, or, the belief that ones future will be very limited" is supposed to be a symptom. Now I just feel like I sound psychotic for starting this thread.

You could be right though in what you said. Maybe it does have something to do with the things I have experienced. IDK. All I know is feeling this way sucks.

 

[James B.]

Have had this pervasive and distinct kind of feeling twice in my life. Once in the late 80's and once a few years ago. Both times it proved to be some pretty major change came about, but not the end.

 

[Cthulhu]

I always thought I would die before becoming 30 years old. Since my childhood. Well, now I'm 29 and my birthday's not THAT far away any more, but I don't really actually have this feeling. More only a memory of it. I think, we'll see and I hope for you that it is just a false pemonition.

 

[bluecat]

I totally hear you, it does suck. I agree that it looks very much like a PTSD symptom, but just because its a symptom, doesn't mean the feelings behind it can be dismissed. Its probably better if you try understanding it than trying to suppress it or get rid of it. Your posts are NOT psychotic and your feelings are just as important as everyone else's : )

hugs your way and post on,

Bluecat

 

[seedling]

I don't think you're psychotic either. I think it's something else bubbling to the surface, something important. Pay attention to it and see what comes with it.

All of the future things you want to do sound very positive and wonderful. Reach for them.

 

[Jade-]

Hopefully you guys are right and I will make it through the winter. I, however believe differently.

 

[amethist]

Hi Jadebear

I am not sure how I can explain this but I will give it a go, it may help you see things a bit differently.

Three years ago this coming December, my husband was, as he called it "Rock Bottom", he wanted out. He could see no future, no escape from his world of pain, nothing looked good anymore. At the time no one was taking much notice of how bad he felt, how he could not see to the next hour never mind the next day. It took me 3 hours to talk him out of escaping his life that day, and a few more times since, no help from anyone, no one wanted to know. He now has some help and his therapist, along with his medication and a few other ways to help, he is now making great progress, though he too cannot always see it.

Now almost 3 years later, he is looking forward to the future, our future together. Seeing his grandchildren grow up, moving to a quiet coastal village, hopefully sometime next year. Getting the dog he wants to walk on the beach, and so much more.

He is a different man to who he was, but now sees that he can go on, he can love me, and learn to become strong again, as hard as it is some days.

So from not being able to see to the next hour, to now looking forward to next year and beyond, is amazing to me.

Keep going Jadebear, make small goals. One for today, then one for tomorrow, then 2 days later then 3 and so on.

Amethist

 

[Jade-]

Thanks amethist. I'm glad your husband was able to turn himself around and is doing much better. I'm glad he's a different man than he used to be.

I'm not hopeless, I'm not feeling like I want to end my life or anything. I don't know why I don't think I will make it through the winter. It's not a wish, it' not something I want to happen either. It is just something that I know.

 

[jude]

Jadebear, if it helps at all I want you to know that I have had the same feeling off and on. I just know something is going to happen and I am going to die. I do not know where it comes from or why some of us get this feeling. It is part of the ptsd. You just hang in there. Fight that feeling and don't give it power. Keep telling yourself it is not true and just part of this disorder. I know you will be ok and you will get through this. Keep hanging in there and I wish you the best!

 

[Jade-]

Thanks jude. It's actually good to have someone else say they get the same feelings.

I wish I hadn't started this thread....seems like all I post anymore is stupid shit like this. Every week I have yet another psycho, depressing complaint or dilemma. Maybe I should just stop posting altogether.