Im not ok

[Madmaninabox]

It feels so good to say that to someone. I'm not ok!
my T basically told me that I have gone as far with her as I can and she is sending me to a trauma specific place. And I'm scared of going over my trauma again with a new person, and I have borderline personality disorder so I'm feeling super abandoned by my T. (Even though I know that's not logical)

And now im kinda in limbo i don't have anyone to talk to, tell a spot opens up.
And this week had a newish memory come up of when I was being molest I was in the shower and I dropped something I bent over to pick it up and when I did the water hit my side. I literally felt his hands on me. Soft but terrifying. Also were I live it is back to school time, my trauma happened at school so it's a triggering time of year in general. I know this was a bad decision but I started to self harm. Everything was just to overwhelming. I haven't self harmed for over a year before this but I have self harmed almost every day this week.

And I have had so many suicidal thoughts. I'm not sure of exactly what to do because I have borderline and I'm not sure if I'm having them because I actually want to die or if I just want people to see how much pain I'm in. So I don't know if I should call a hot line or what.
Also my mom and dad's anniversary is coming up and my mom said last year all she wanted for me for their anniversary was for me not to be in the hospital. Like I said though this is a really tough time of year for me.

Thanks for reading ?

 

[Ronin]

Could you look at this as not your T abandoning you but the contrary... giving you the best care possible with locating you a new professional, so being with you each step of that process, even if in spirit?

(How much contact are you having meantime, if any?)

Do you know any memory techniques for sealing memories away? Because those memories will still be there later, you dont need to relive it now.
Theres something for memory containment in DBT afaik, though Id have to look that up/someone more well versed in DBT can prolly link to better.

What helps to stop self harming, or minimize it? Since you did this before, leads me to think you got this, just need more support.

Calling a hotline for suicidal ideation is in every case a GOOD idea.
Do not wait till it gets worse, or anything.
They work at that hotline exactly so things dont get worse from here. Having these ideas is bad nuff. Deserves care, too.

Even more so the stressors are still piling up, and youre not even through the worst of it yet.

 

[Madmaninabox]

Could you look at this as not your T abandoning you but the contrary... giving you the best care possible with locating you a new professional, so being with you each step of that process, even if in spirit?

(How much contact are you having meantime, if any?)

That's a really good way of looking at this.
Also that I don't need to relive it now. Is a really good point. I will be able to work through it soon hopefully and it will hopefully not have this control on me.

I just wast sure how bad suicidal ideation had to be before calling a hotline so I have been putting it off.

 

[Muttly]

I am sorry you are not ok. Talking here is a good idea. Calling the hotline is also ok. It doesn't matter if your suicidal thoughts are for attention. If so, what that says is you need someone to hear you and the hotline can be an option.

I wish I had more concrete advice to give. I did want you to know that you were heard. I hope a spot opens up soon

 

[ButterflyBean]

In the US, UK, and Canada, you can text the Crisis Text Line for support of any kind, not just suicidal thoughts. They can help if you are suicidal of course, but they have a vast amount of resources to connect you with ongoing support. I hear you’re pain, and you are worthy!

 

[Gs172003]

That's a really good way of looking at this.
Also that I don't need to relive it now. Is a really good point. I will be able to work through it soon hopefully and it will hopefully not have this control on me.

I just wast sure how bad suicidal ideation had to be before calling a hotline so I have been putting it off.

As a mother that just had a daughter that made a suicide attempt less than two weeks ago call. Don't wait until you are however bad you think you need to be. Call.

 

[pam4him]

So sorry for the tough situation. I would hope you have discovered some good coping mechanisms with the former therapist that could help you through this time. Some ideas might be journaling to "talk" yourself through the memories. Deep breathing through the panic attacks - breathe in through your nose for slow count of 5, hold it for 5, then let it out through your mouth for a slow count of 5. Listen to calming music, punch a pillow or scream into it, hold a stuffed toy. Use what works for you. Hang in there, you can do this. You have a purpose for being here, but have to get through this to find that purpose. Prayers for peace and wisdom.