I'm Nothing

[Stickler]

...My ex guy was angry at me because I was supposed to be his reward for 4 & 1/2 years of good behavior?
Except his behavior had stopped being so good. In fact it was bad. He scared me. He was triggering me and feeling offended that I was triggered by him b/c he was a pedo or a wife beater.
So that was all my problem. I needed to get over that, because he'd spent so much time helping me. He wasn't abusive, even if he was looking like an abuser.
He deserved his reward. I was depriving him of his reward...Me.
How unfair of me! Abusive even! To deprive him of sexual satisfaction, reject him as a man!

I was a gold star for good behavior. A cookie.

This is the same sort of gutpunch I felt when I realized my ex-wife had told me she wanted to fix the marriage when she had already given up on it. She was just stalling for time so she could pump up her career skills, make more money so that she didn't need a free place to live from me.

She didn't even need to lie to me like that as I didn't throw her out for about a whole year after the divorce. I was trying to fix it. There was no fixing it, and she'd been lying to me about things for the whole ten year marriage that made it so.
She knew that. The whole marriage she used me being here to waltz in and out of jobs because she felt like it, too. Because she could. She didn't seem to really notice or care that her behavior terrified me, b/c I was afraid of not being able to buy meds. And dying, as I nearly did in '02, from lack of meds.

I'll take federal assistance. I just hate taking living money from my mom? And I HAVE TO GET A JOB.

But I feel a sort of numb dread at the idea of working again. I stopped being able to pay bills in 2002? So realizing I've been working full time when sometimes rather direly sick ( like, bronchitis for a couple months, low grade fevers, constant fatigue that had me munching caffeine pills and pseudoephedrine...weekly migraines, et cetera) and going insane and going to college and not paying bills...It's yet another gut punch. I mean...f*ck me, that was hard.

And what do I have to show for it? NOTHING. A car I owe $5000+ for. Half a degree. A boss so incompetent I finally quit to get away from, because I was too depressed to go get a better job and I was remembering more and even worse abuse and I still am and it is f*cking with my head.
So, not a goddamn thing.

I still have that nonsensical will to live but I am just...so beaten right now.

I am finally sitting down and realizing how much shit I have been through, and it was probably NOT a good idea to sit down for any length of time and take a good long look at this shit, because I feel defeated.
Really f*cking defeated.

I have to climb back out of this and it feels like too damn much and I can't trust anybody.

I mean, thanks for all the comments and encouragement.
I'm just looking at it and my life has been so incredibly f*cked up. I'm a goddamn abuse magnet. Even before my dad started in on me? My uncle raped me first! The f*cking neighbor orally raped me at age four!
My alter Pottymouth took her name because she thought guys were going potty in her mouth. That our daddy liked using us for a toilet. That he was peeing in us.

That's what we thought. I guess we thought semen was a special kind of pee.

 

[ladee]

When we look at the whole picture, I don't think any of us feel any self worth. That is why I have to break it down in tiny pieces that I can handle... it might be less than others can, fine, they are not living my life. I am. One thing that I have learned from being here only a short while, is that others hold up a mirror of what THEY see in me.... and it is my responsibility to at least look at what they see. No one here is going to lie to me, there is no point in that. They have their own struggles.... but I have to let some of you believe in me, I have to let some of you say good things about me.. and I need to know others care, whether I do that day or not.... You matter to me .... You matter to others. depression is a bitch that owns my soul sometimes, but even she can't keep the truth out.... sending you hugs if you accept them.....

 

[corvidae]

i can really identify with that, ladee: "depression is a bitch that owns my soul sometimes, but even she can't keep the truth out." oh, yes. OK, your entire reply actually.

Stickler, you don't have to fix all the things all at once; you don't have to take all the classes or earn all the grades or do all the therapy/healing work or all of anything in an instant. piece by piece, bit by bit, is how it goes. breathe and focus; it looks like you've got support here no matter what route you choose.

 

[Stickler]

Clarification: ex is NOT a pedophile or an abuser and claims to have never hit a woman.
I strongly suspect he never has hit a woman and is telling the truth.
But he still scared the hell out of me, triggered me.

Yes, my triggers and fears are my reactions to manage and are not rational.
Nevertheless, telling me I'm being illogical, invalidating me and taking it personally did not work so well.

No, I never really trusted him, I seem to be permanently not able to trust. I told him that. He became enraged because I still didn't trust him.
:banghead:

 

[ladee]

I knew that @Stickler, I had read you enough on chat to know those were your feelings... and I am sorry that he treated you the way he did.... he had been with you long enough to know better... so many ways it could have been handled, with love, for starters, but you are hurt and I do understand. I've been married three times, no more for me, but I am not young either. But the betrayal and abandonment, I can't do it anymore... but not being able to fully trust.... I totally understand that too.... I am just sorry he hurt you so bad in so many ways.... but I still deny that YOU are nothing..... I may not word things like I would like to sometimes, but you are very valuable to me. I read you.
I see how you love and support others, your sense of humor and your sadness.... that sounds like a whole person to me, not 'nothing'.....

 

[Deleted member 28403]

:hug: Reading this, you are definitely not nothing