I'm Ok Until I'm Not

[Deleted member 1860]

Fun Stuff.

I didn't realize how well I was actually doing until I suddenly wasn't anymore. My sleep is bad, the shockwaves of anxiety won't stop, and I just want to run and hide again.

All I want is a friend who will hug me and make me feel OK. Pathetic, I know. It goes against all of my anti-emotional BS stance. I hate feeling like I need people. And, most of the time I'm ok without anyone to support me. I can't even tell you the last time I had an *actual* friend. Its just these rare, once in a blue moon moments that pop up where I feel like I need someone. And I HATE it. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling like a selfish twat for not being able to take care of my own needs. I hate feeling like such a loser.

Its only 1pm and I'm calling it a day. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and be OK again.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Pathetic, I know. It goes against all of my anti-emotional BS stance.

This made me laugh, not because it's funny but because I see myself. I am very much like this in real life. On the forum I dare being a bit more full of "emotional BS". It's easier on here, because people don't know who I am. So I still feel protected.

I'm going to say this, even though you may hate it, just feeling stuff doesn't make you a loser. Or pathetic. It doesn't make you weaker, even if you think so. Fact is that you went through all the other bs and you survived, and that makes you a strong person, even if you can feel fear and anxiety. Strength isn't defined by building walls around you, but by who you are.

#end of emotional supportive speech.
Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Solara, there is truely nothing wrong in wanting a friend. It's not pathetic.

It actually makes me sad for you, when you are rejecting care like that. I can see why you'd be closed off like that, but I see nothing pathetic in that. I want you to feel better, recently you've been more stressed on forums and it's visible... Though you probably got me on ignore list, I still care about you.

Well, hopefully you get to your feel-ok state again. Hugs if you accept and good luck :hug:

 

[Kefira]

I can't say it better than Radise, but I will send you a :hug: if you want it and tell you I can empathize. I've just started to have close friends again after 6 years where I just couldn't. And those six years I was normally fine but had some really lonely moments. Isolation can take a toll, especially when you're already down.

I hope tomorrow is better Solara. Be kind to yourself, sometimes you just need to be your own friend even thought it's not what you want.
And Radise is completely right: none of this makes you weak or pathetic. And even if most of the time you don't want to express your deepest emotions here, everybody needs that space once in a while.

 

[Nam]

I'm like this a lot. Accepting people's love is hard for me. It means that I have to confront what I actually need. And I don't want to need anybody. But that's really not true. Everyone needs someone. We are social creatures that are totally dependent when born. When the people that we trust are our abusers, it makes a huge rift in what we think our needs are. So we go along in life thinking we need no one so that no one can hurt us, but then there's this empty spot that nags.

The fact that you want a friend to give you a hug is progress. Lots of progress. It means you've accepted that you are lovable. I have friends that I only call on when I need them. It feels really selfish...but it's actually symbiotic. I don't create much drama, but when I need someone, I really do. And that's the trade-off. I don't create much drama. One of my friends is great at this. She and I meet about four times a year. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we just watch tv. Other times we are stuffing our faces with really good cake. It doesn't have to be a huge effort. You just need to make it known upfront what you are like. The hugs will come freely if you want them...but the feeling ok part has to come from you.

 

[Jane.l]

It's not pathetic or selfish. I know what you are saying but everyone needs some reassurance from time to time. Sometimes I just need someone to say 'it's going to be ok' even if I don't totally believe it, I need to know someone believes it. You wouldn't think that's selfish would you? It's easy for us to beat ourselves up about every need, want, emotion. Give yourself a chance, it's going to be ok.

 

[darrenS]

i know exactly how you Feel Solara, i tend not to tell anyone whats going on and slowly but surely hit the wall, i have no friends here in MD and yes it gets lonely and of course i crave a good hug and want someone to tell me it will be okay.Sadly only i can tell myself that, in fact i must as the slide will only become worse. I do tend to enjoy my solitude but yes in these moments it would be nice to have a decent friend. I hope when you wake up that you have been charged with a good outlook and am able to see past these times. Things will change for the better , i suppose its just belief and patience, thats what i tell myself anyway

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Well @Solara consider me a friend. You can have a :hug:whenever you want :)

 

[LuckyDuck]

I'm in the same boat. Forcing myself to do the regilar stuff I usually do is having me run to my computer to game and unwind. The whole "you don't know it until it's there" I get, too. Last job I had I thought I wasn't ready for. Now, going through interviews, I'm so not in the right place for it. But still, one foot foreward after another as long as I can stand. Then, building myself up for the next time. I hope you get some sort of calm in this storm.

 

[Ronin]

This thread, right here. You've come to the right party, now let's all be friends for that little while it takes to keep it together, or pull back up from falling apart.

 

[gone]

So sorry to hear you're feeling like crap @Solara. Those feelings all suck. I hope a big, deep sleep washes them back out to sea.

Meanwhile, you're not pathetic. We're social animals and need support from others of our kind, no matter how we fight it. I hope all these messages of support help you today. :hug:

 

[Frogs88]

I get it. I have friends, good friends. Friends who only see me during the good times. I keep the bad from them. Seven years on and i've only just told them about my PTSD. They've stuck with me, they ask me what I need, but still I keep the bad from them. It's unfortunate, with PTSD it's like you've been hurt and you don't trust anybody enough to let them near you when you're hurting again.

Sending you an international thought hug.