I'm Reluctant To Go To Therapy, Afraid Of What I'll Find Out

[Blueridge]

I've been meaning to see a trauma therapist about my PTSD. Throughout my childhood, I experienced dissociation, anxiety and depression. I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I still continue to experience all of these things but I've been ignoring it out of fear.

I specifically remember feeling very spaced out as a young child, around 5 years old. This "detached" feeling keeps resurfacing. The problem is that the only traumatic incident I remember had happened to me way later, at 14. It was physical abuse and I felt myself go into a panic attack and then detach from my body. I was abused physically many times as a child, but to this day at the age of 20, this is the only memory of physical abuse I can recall that causes me to cry and dissociate like I'm reliving it all over again.

I've been putting off seeing a therapist because I'm scared of what I don't remember. If I've been dealing with dissociation and PTSD pretty much my entire life, what else could've happened? And how will I know it really happened and my mind's not just creating false memories? Could some people share their experiences with trauma therapy to reassure me that going would be the right thing?

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Oh man.... that's really hard! No wonder you're afraid to dig down. I would imagine it feels a lot safer to just keep that closet door locked.

I do think that you already know the answers to most of your questions. Only based on what you're saying, my opinion is that your mind has blocked out what it couldn't and can't deal with. A young child is vulnerable and very impressionable. Your mind went into protection mode and has buried the memories so they can't hurt you. - only works for so long. Could be years.

At 14, we're much more able to process and remember things. Have them effect us in traumatic ways. Identify it for what it is. I would guess that's what's happening.

There are some really great trauma therapists out there who will carefully walk with you in a way that you feel safe. They're trained to deal with this. There are lots of coping tools that will be amazing once you learn them - there are threads right here that you could look at.

I would certainly encourage you to go. Deal with what you do remember. What you don't can be addressed when you're ready.

 

[EveHarrington]

Pretty much 99.9999999% of the time the mind does not create false memories unless they are planted by someone else. It seems like those false memory syndrome people had quite an effect! Turns out they were total frauds trying to make everyone believe their daughter had false memories and that they themselves weren't abusive. Gotta love it, right?

 

[Gs172003]

Link Removed

"What these studies consistently show is that

• human memory is greatly resistant to tampering
• when a "false memory" is successfully created, people have low confidence in it
• false and true memories can be distinguished at a neurological level
• and even under extreme duress, all memories are not equally subject to meddling.

So let's stop perpetuating the myth that human memory is as fragile as a butterfly and as malleable as clay."

And any therapist that puts ideas in your head isn't a good counselor any way

 

[lostforgottensoul]

And how will I know it really happened and my mind's not just creating false memories?

Well, I can share a half false memory I had if it helps. I had the action right. Whom did it was missing. And the person I filled in was the most logical lining up with the remainder memories of the time frame but the person was wrong.

This is something I filled in alone and i did see it as a memory but out of all of my memories, I'd say that was the most unstable. The way this was fixed by my therapist. We were talking about memories in the time frame, of what I remembered and of any new memories we talked about a ton more.

Eventually my head filed in the right person.

I didn't have the memory by myself and the entire memory wasn't false. Meaning it wasn't a memory that I just always knew but it was a new memory that came with therapy and I actively filled in the blanks myself. And to make it truth we talked a lit about the new memories as they came which then worked out the truth of the memory (filled in correct person and remembered as normal).

So the half false menory wasn't just there, something I filled in myself, and worked out with therapy. If not for therapy I wouldn't have now clear crisp memory.