Super Afraid Of What Might Happen

[Mariah]

I've been suffering with PTSD for awhile now. I can't remember when exactly it started, about a year ago. It's a result of the gruesome car accident I was in August of 2013. I've been going to therapy, getting out a little bit more, not much. Trying to make positive changes in my life. Sometimes I feel as though I am moving too fast (literally moving too fast means going to the store) and become vastly overwhelmed and shut down. My anxiety is so severe I can barely talk to people, let alone have a relationship. I've been single for awhile and I liked it because I don't feel like I need to worry about a guy while I'm just trying to hold myself together. But recently an old friend of mine keeps asking me out on dates. Today he wanted to take me to lunch, a movie, AND dinner. He's a nice guy and everything but I don't feel like I'm emotionally okay enough to nurture a relationship. I feel like I should explain all of this to him. Maybe he will run away screaming, maybe he will want to help me through it. But both of those scenarios terrify me. I don't want to be rejected for my emotional instability but I also don't want to weigh him down with all my tears and anxiety and panic and fear. I want to be a happy, lively girlfriend. Not the girlfriend who cries everyday because of something that happened well over a year ago. I have no trust anymore. No desire for intimacy. No hunger for adventure. Or new experiences. I just want to shut down, cry, eat chocolate, and never, ever put myself out there or take a risk again. And I know that isn't healthy, so I'm trying. I feel so much shame. I never thought I could feel so much shame. I feel like all of my crappy experiences could have been avoided. If I had made better choices. I feel stupid and sooo, soo ashamed. I definitely don't feel secure enough for a relationship. But what if I would be passing up a great opportunity? I want to talk to him about it but I'm so nervous. He will either run for the hills or get set on "fixing" me. I don't like either of those things. I like to focus on myself, and not rely on others to help rebuild myself. What if he becomes a great part of my recovery and then down the road we break up? What will that do to me? I'm so confused and afraid. So lost. I've also been abused by a boyfriend, and have been sexually assaulted on multiple occasions. That definitely does not help. Somebody please give me a miracle resolve all answer? )x Tired of being like this. Tired of hurting. It is exhausting.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It sounds like you aren't ready for a relationship yet. I'd advise focusing on yourself, as the moment you get involved with someone, it tends to be ALL about "us". Really, not conducive to healing as healing takes a lot of time and energy. PTSD is a very difficult thing for a supporter to deal with, and if you are in a bad place right now, I'd say that right now is not the time to get together with this guy.

Are you in therapy right now?

 

[Mariah]

Yeah I am seeing a PTSD specialist. I just started a few weeks ago though.

 

[illusionist]

I think you have answered your own question regarding relationship...you know you are not ready. That's good you are aware of it. Focus on your healing , you have things to work through to get yourself in a place where you can give a relationship a better chance of being healthy. A great opportunity isn't so if it has a high chance of giving you further turmoil in your life right now...Relationships do kick up all sorts of emotions in us, not always good ones and we need to learn the skills of coping with them first.

 

[Mariah]

Yeah, you guys are right. Like I said, I can barely walk into a store. Hooooow am I supposed to manage a relationship. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. I just told him I need to talk to him tonight. I'm already getting super emotional and tense and panicky. Ughh noooo this is going to suck. This is why I avoid people.