I'm Scared

[nonabug5]

I have frequent flashbacks. I lose time a lot. I don't recognize myself anymore. I've ended up squatting in a corner begging not to be touched & don't remember getting there. Okay, it's PTSD, - just how do stop doing these things? I don't want to make scenes in public, so I stay home-in my room where nobody can see. People avoid me. I see a therapist who tells me I'm getting better, but it's a slow process with extreme trauma. I just want someone to tell me how to fix this. I don't know why I am doing this. Why can't I stop this?! I don't want to be crazy.
Tracie

 

[The Albatross]

We aren't crazy, we got trauma. It's a process.. and wanting to stop what you're doing is a big and necessary component of change. I try to think of flashback, memory retireval, lost time... as an opportunity to reprocess... it gets easier, we get stronger. It has it's own rhythm... for me anyways, it marches to the beat of it's own drum.... I just process it when it's over and see where the chips fall. I got more memory retrieval now... than either flashback or disassociation... but it does get better. Hang in there Tracie... glad you can share here. (((hugs for you)))

 

[mamachick]

Albatross is right-it has a way of riding itself out. When you find yourself squatting in that corner, it doesnt last forever. Its as though it is a way of self comforting. I went through a period similiar and would sit on the bathroom floor (small space felt safe). I was shaky and would cry-it was paralizing. I dont know why. One day it was over. On a couple of occassions I found myself back there but I now know its ok. Everyone has some reaction, us with trauma is a bit different. Just keep working with your therapist and remind yourselt that you are not crazy

 

[nonabug5]

Thank you for the support. I know the basic instinct is to survive. Despite the frustration, I have that. I just am having the hardest time adjusting to the unknown. I don't recognize myself. It helps knowing that others have been through it and still have their basic sanity. I hope I can keep mine. Just needed to connect & know that this is survivable. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

[Helliepig]

I get flashbacks that are still partially dissociated so it's like suddenly coming to and realising you've been somewhere but weren't aware you'd gone! It happened profoundly the other day at the swimming pool while waiting for my little boy to get changed, it lasted longer than normal and I almost panicked as it was like "jamais vu" (the opposite of deja vu) - I couldn't work out where I was at all for several seconds.

Some days I just don't recognise myself, I look in the mirror but the me I see isn't me somehow, I have to touch things to feel real. I get lots of depersonailsation too.

This is happening less and less as I process stuff. But then the stuff coming up from the past feels surreal and wierd in a different way - memories from a different me, a world away, full of anxiety and feelings that are nonsensical.

This stuff used to make me panic but knowing what it is really helps - "here I go again".